Lived Experience Forum

[Swinners]

So it all started with my parents separation with i was at voarding school. Came as a total shock as i wasnt at home to see the signs.
Then i was taken out of my last year at school and moved from north qld to canberra.
In the following 5 years i had a serious car accident were i was cm from death. my cousin , grandfather and a friend passed away. I developed a serious drug addiction i still battle today. I was arrested and fired from 3 jobs. Had a serious workplace accident were a work mate was nearly crashes if i was not there to save him. As a result i had shoulder surgery and now cant do any of the activities i use to love like motocross golf and drums.
The only thing keeping me alive at the moment is my partner of 5 years who had always been there for me.

How can i find happiness when it is physically not possible for me? I think about suicide more often than id like to mention. I can't remember the last time i was not in pain (physical or mentally)

I feel like im only here to keep other people happy and not myself.

I have tried about 4 types of anti depressed medications of the last 2 years with no real success
Ive try concelling multiple times even hypnotherapy which i felt only made me angry with myself.

What do i do? I feel like im sinking fast with no way out

[Princessmolly]

Wow @Swinners you certainly have been through the wringer in the last 6 years. I dont even know what to say to you except that life is just plain shit and unfair sometimes....and that the saying seems to be true "bad things do often happen to good people".
I too often feel like i am here just for the benefit of others...and that its unfair and selfish of them to expect that of me.
Do you have any positive outlets for your stress like the gym, bushwalking, going to see bands, listening to good music, volubteet work etc?
I hope things improve for you soon. Never give up. You are so important to so many people and thats because YOU are a good person. You are somebody's everything x

[suzanne]

Hi @Swinners, welcome to the Forums.  It certainly sounds like you're up against it.  What's great is that it seems like you've continued to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and try again.  Not everyone can do that.  You've also actively sought out treatment although it sounds like that's not worked out for you yet.  It can take a long time to find the right people and approaches. 

I think that hope is really critical in this situation.  There needs to be a reason to feel hopeful that things will get better.  That you'll be able to manage the pain and to find moments of happiness (because that's all any of us have really).  That you and your partner will continue to find happiness with eachother. 

So, looking at each of the challenges you face, from the physical to the psychological, can you think of a next step?  Something you can do to make your situation better.  No matter how slight the change is.  Because hope comes from those steps.  The actions you take opening up the possibility for improvement.  Not all of those steps will pan out.  But some will.  And by developing the plan, and taking some action, you've revived your hope.  And that can help to keep you safe.

Does this make sense?