I have had quite a journey with my mental health and I am incredibly proud of what I have achieved since being diagnosed with BPD. Below is an entry from a blog I started before I went overseas on a working holiday visa. I hope to inspire those who need it or who may be looking for it. I acknowledge that my journey will be very different to others and I think it is important to have our own experiences.
Just a bit of background pre 2012 which is where my post starts, I had struggled with my mental health since I was 10 and that even at that age, I felt very little self-worth. It wasn’t until 2012 (age 24) I had formally been diagnosed after being admitted to ED. My focus is to reflect on my recovery and the differences i feel from them to now. I don't write much about the experiences of when I was sturggling but of how my behaviours and emotions have changed and grown.
18 July 2017
In 2012, I thought I was destined for a pretty sad and unfulfilling life only filled with promises that would never be met. I was drowning in my mental illness…”why me?” “why do I have to be like this?” “what is the point in being here?”
The hardest part of overcoming my mental illness was telling myself that I had to stop feeling sorry for myself, pull my head out of my ass and get on with life. Instead of fighting against my mental illness, I accepted it and made a commitment to work through it. When you stop pushing against a force that is bigger than you, it suddenly isn’t a battle but something to concur. Realising this was the start of what was going to be the best time of my life so far…
2013 I walked away from a relationship that should have ended not long after it started. We brought out the worst in each other but we truly thought that we were bringing out the best. I don’t regret the experience that I had, but I know our lives would have been a lot easier had we called it quits at the first sign of warning. But everything happens for a reason. Within 6 months, I felt my self-esteem come back, I felt confident again and I didn’t feel burdened. I still had times that I felt miserable, but it was bearable and didn’t stop me from wanting more in life.
2014 was a big leap in the right direction. I went back to uni, kicked some goals at work, met my partner and the best group of people I am lucky enough to call my friends. For the first time I let go of the expectations and pressure the world puts on us (body image, marriage, kids, financial security) and I was happy with where I was in life. I rebuilt my relationship with my family and there wasn’t that tension that once pulled us apart. I felt stronger, beautiful and happy.
In 2015, I bit the bullet and decided to start coming off my medication. I had been put on meds in my early 20’s and then was put onto stronger ones during the worst of my mental illness. This brought me back to 2012 me and I was pretty miserable. It was a true test to everything I had been working towards and also a test on all of my relationships. The support I had from my family, partner, friends and work place will be something I will never forget. There were times they would just let me rant or sleep and then times they would just say “get up, get out of bed and get on with it”. This process wasn’t easy and it definitely wasn’t short. It took over a year for me to come off my meds completely and since then my quality of life has hit next level.
2016 was a massive year. I graduated from uni, was completely off my medication and made the decision to go and work overseas…solo.
I have had a rather flaky and uncommitted relationship with the idea of travel. I would constantly announce that I was going to see the world and then find any lame excuse not to do it. It was at time when all I wanted was an escape from my shitty life but I didn’t have the confidence or belief in myself to do it. It was always “I’m gonna do this..and gonna do that..” then “oh no, I don’t have enough money..Oh nah, I need to focus on my health and so on…” Even when I was given a one way ticket to go chase an ex over to the UK, I still found a reason not to do it…although that was for the best.
I remember being in a taxi on the way home from a night out with my partner when I said…”I want to go on a working holiday.” He just looked at me and said “Do it…you have to do it. Don’t let fear stop you or you’ll regret it forever”.
And here we are…and from here…who knows what will happen?
Isn’t that exciting?
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