Lived Experience Forum

[mrt01k52]

Hi All,

It's recently come up in therapy that it's taken years for me to come to terms with 'having' bipolar II. I was diagnosed 7 years ago and it's still sinking in. My father has mental health issues and he was raised with a lot of shame around it and passed that on to me. 

When I was diagnosed I lost all self-esteem, self-trust, and self-belief. I felt like I didn't know who I was anymore. What was authentic to 'self' and what was just a hypomanic whim? What did I actually want to do with my life?

I also came to the realisation, in the midst of changing jobs and the fact that disclosure of my condition at work would likely render me unemployed due to the nature of it (not that it affects my work but it's a perception/stigma); that it literally feels like I am living with AIDS. In a time where it was taboo and disclosing it likely lost you everything.

I have dated people who treated me poorly because I thought that was all I would be worth. I have also placed a dysmorphic emphasis on my looks in the hopes that they might be enough for someone to overlook this 'deal-breaking flaw'.

In hypomanic episodes, I have disclosed to partners and co-workers, sort of out of hoping for support, but now it just makes me paranoid that they will tell someone else - particularly me recent ex with whom I work. The likelihood is slim, and I try not to worry too much, but it's a lot of stress.

I recently had major surgery, broke up with my ex, and took a new job. Too much to put on my plate I admit, and I think I am a little elevated at the moment given there's a song stuck in my head, but nothing too major. I just know I need to keep it under control in my new job so that hypomanic me isn't the perceived baseline.

My therapist said she feels like I think I am alone, and probably need to find a support group or forum to connect with people sharing my experience. In the last 3 years, I have quit coffee, sugar, and alcohol and that has made a massive difference in my stability. Alcohol was the last straw and the thing that initiated and perpetuated my last two unhealthy relationships. I finally have to accept that I am not like everyone else, and never will be. I have a chronic condition that requires medication for life, somewhat extreme lifestyle adaptations and may have single-handedly ruined my dream to live overseas one day... It sucks.

But then I try to remember the people who have tried to help me see the gift it can be when it isn't being a curse; the quick wit, command of English, immense capacity for insight and self-reflection, general intelligence and creativity...is all I can think of now. Admittedly, of the people I have met who share the condition (more often then not without having being diagnosed or without admitting it), they have been amongst the most amusing and amazing people. So that's something I guess.

Can anyone else please share 'how' they live with it? Is it this horrible secret you carry around that makes it hard to know/be yourself? If not, what does that look like for you and how did you get there? How do you see things?

[Former-Member]

Hi @mrt01k52 

RE: Can anyone else please share 'how' they live with it? Is it this horrible secret you carry around that makes it hard to know/be yourself? If not, what does that look like for you and how did you get there? How do you see things?

Not the same condition or reason as you, but we are all different.

Acceptance and Judgement are hard.

Why is it a Horrible secret?

It is you. It is not horrible.

I stick with advice I was given in a church. Do not tell everyone what you are going through. They (people in or out of a church) will always have an opinion. And next week the opinion changes. For me whatever was said was wrong.

Am I keeping a horrible secret? 

I think I am protecting the part of me that is making progress. So many want to tear us down or did it "their way" Often Their way failed.

So not share why so many think they have to open up. Do you really think everyone opens up completely?

You should identify if someone needs support. Maybe they are standing alone. maybe they are being bullied.

You will find people and the right people will find you by who you are. Some cone for a Reason, Some a Season, some a Lifetime.

Keep some card close to you.

You are not alone on this forum.