Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[NotSoCrayCray]

Hi guys.

So I havnt posted in a few weeks and in the mean time, things have gone to hell. 

Just some back story, my missus has severe PTSD from things that happened to her growing up. She has problems deling with or controling her emotions and anger. 

My Wifes family got her to go visit them in QLD and she has returned a different person. For years they have tried to convince her that im some how out to do her harm and it seems they have managed to do it. Shes SUDDENLY gone all cold and is demanding I leave. If I didnt know her so well, id suspect shes cheating, but something is going on here thats made her just snap over night.

Ive been trying for over a week to sort it out, she says theres nothing wrong with out relationship, but she doesnt want to do it any more and doesnt know why. She wont talk to her counciler and cant give me an explinatrion for her sudden change of heart.

Now really if this is what she wants, then I guess theres nothing I can do, but out livers are so intertwined, I dont know how to handle it. Ive sup[ported her for 8 years, we have properties together ect. If this isnt serious, I cant be rearranging our lives because shes having a bad few weeks. We have a large amount of assets and debit thats all in my goddam name and a house free and clear thats in her name...

Ive already changed bedrroms, I probably shouldnt have as this seems to have finalised it.

And of course, im now concerned about my mental health, it was already starting to show signs of wear and tear. I had become more angry and defensive, but now Im a mess. I constantly want to cry and every thing she says has an air of nastieness in it that just breaks my heart and im completely freaking out about the financial ramifications and what happens to our dogs.

I really dont know what to do here or if i should do anything at all.

Some advice would be really good right now. Im not doing to well...

Thanks

NSCC.

NOTE: Second time posted. Apparently I broke some guideline.

[Martie]

Hi there, I'm not posting with any authority at all on your situation but reaching out to you as a fellow human being. What you're going through sounds awful and I know what it's like to live with someone whose behaviour can be unpredictable and you just can't figure out what's going on in their head.

My advice would be give her space. Don't make any drastic decisions ie. with property etc but give it some time and see whether she softens any. If you push her or cause conflict I would imagine it will only make things worse? In my own situation moods and behavious can change in the blink of an eye and you are left reeling from the impact. You also need to have a good think about what is right for you in this situation?

Yes, it's very hard to walk away; but as you've recognised this is affecting your mental health as well. I hope you have some family/friends who have your best interests at heart? I always hate being told to look after myself but it is true and good advice.

I wish you well and hope things improve soon for you both.

[NotSoCrayCray]

Yes this is exactly it. Its all so sudden and im having problems delaing with it especially after her years of unintentional abuse. I can see im not as strong as I used to be. Once apon a time this wouldnt have bothered me so much but right now im a complete mess. 

I dont have any friends to talk to anymore. She has driven most of them away with her behaviour and I cant talk to my family because I dont want them to think bad of her. Ive always made excuses for how she is and let her get away with some bad behaviour because of her issues. Even now I cant bring myself to blame HER, I blame her illness and freaky family.

When she is "ok" she is one of the kindest gentlest loving people Ive ever met, but I rarely see that side anymore. Feels like 10 years of effort gone down the drain.

Fells like im loosing everything weve worked so hard to build together, but worst of all I feel unloved! I always felt that at least she loved me even with her episodes. Now I just dont know. The only thing I have to keep me going right now is the welfare of my dogs. She would never care for them if something happens to me so my number 1 goal is to keep them with me and happy.

[Martie]

I'm not sure if you've heard the story of the fence and the nails but this is the link: http://www.inspirationpeak.com/cgi-bin/stories.cgi?record=50

As trite as it is I recently have come to realise I am indeed the fence and the damage from those nails IS leaving its mark. We may be strong, but the relentlessness of living with someone with mental illness does wear you down.

I think you are right not to blame her but that doesn't mean you are to blame either, and you don't deserve to be her emotional punching bag.

I honestly believe deep down she knows how hurtful she is being and doesn't really feel that way, but if she is being influenced by others it must be very confusing for her. Keep calm, keep kind but stand firm on what you deserve.

Most of all - remember the fence.

[Lunar]

Hello @NotSoCrayCray,

I agree with @Martie, it sounds like your partner is not coping very well at the moment and is perhaps taking out some of her frustrations on you by pushing you away and not explaining or even knowing why. This all sounds incredibly hard, I am glad you have your dogs to be with you. It might he helpful to just focusing on coping with all of this rather than making any drastic decisions as things might settle down?

You are seeming quite burnt out from all of this, after years of caring for her and the PTSD symptoms, and now you aren't receiving much support which is something that is most important right now. The forums are great for this but are you also linked in with a psychologist or counsellor to talk to?

There are some organisatons that provide some great support for people like yourself who are a carer of someone with a mental illness. They run support groups, supply resources and programs, they also have a helpline if you just wanted to vent:

Carers Australia

1800 242 636

http://www.carersaustralia.com.au/

Mental Health Carers Australia

1300 554 660

http://www.mentalhealthcarersaustralia.org.au/

Maybe you could try calling them today if you have a chance?

Please keep sharing with us, we are here for you,

Lunar

[NotSoCrayCray]

I am indeed the fence, however this fence is starting to colapse from the weight of the nails and I fear they will never be removed. 😞 Or if they are, itll be all in 1 go and the fence will collapse.

Im trying to be strong. Im resisting my urges to talk to her, ask more questions ect

I have now talked to my mother who seems to think its good and she will get her son back, she can see that im not as happy as I used to be but doesnt understand why I even put up with this crap. Not sure I do myself so I cant blame her.

I have a list of pros and cons, a list of the stuff "I deserve" and a list of reasons/contributing factors. Even the stuff that im to "blame" for ultimatly stems back to her.

For example we dont go out as much as we used to because she gets agitated with other drivers on the road. 1 not even close call in the car and the whole day is ruined. She instantly becomes angry and abusive to me after she nearly crashes the car. Every single time!!

Then because shes all worked up from the car trip, shell cause a scene in public and attempt to force me to bend to her will. If I walk away shes prone to shout out OUCH! DONT HIT ME U C##T! in some lame attempt to get people to white knight for her. So now im reluctant to go to many places with her. Yet one of her "problems" is we dont go out as much any more.

Looking at the list, I should just bloody leave. Thinking about all this and writing these lists, I can see how poorly ive been treated for several years now and feel like ive been played for a fool. Even so, I still dont want to loose her. I want to fix this and help her. Does that seem stupid?

[Lunar]

@NotSoCrayCray, I think it's really helpful you are writing all of this and reflecting on the aspects of your relationship that have been affected by her mental health. I can understand that you are considering leaving but also want to stay and work thing's out.

Perhaps you both could try doing some couples counselling and see how that goes? But perhaps for now having some space from one another might be better until thing's cool off and you can have a relaxed and calm conversation about the future and what you both want?

[NotSoCrayCray]

Yer i think writing stuff to you guys is helping me feel a little better.

I suggested councling and got a very definite NO!! She thinks her phych is out to get her because she asks personal questions about her past in an attempt to help. These make her uncomfortable so she reacts by being defiant and not doing the exercises or meditation or whatever the psych has suggested.

I can have a relaxed conversation, however this is 1/2 her problem, she cant. Anything emotional results in an extreme display of emotions.

For example, she will stub her toe. Most people might go "ouch" and hop around for a couple of seconds. If she stubs her toe, she will drop to the ground and act like I need to call an ambulance until I calm her down.

Its hard to talk to someone like that at the best of times, let alone at the moment with emotions running high.

[Lunar]

Hello @NotSoCrayCray

How are things going for you today?

That sounds incredibly hard that your partner is being unhelpful in the sessions with her psychologist, as they are trying to help, but she must not be ready to start opening up or perhaps doesn't feel comfortable with them and may need to try someone new?

I can imagine it is hard talking to someone who is quite emotional and sensitive, it can be helpful to not react back, stay calm and reflect on how they are feeling rather than the excessive behaviour to really know why they reacted like that.

It's good that writing is helping, hope you are also looking after yourself today.

Lunar

[NotSoCrayCray]

Things are about the same, shithouse. I still cant understand the problem. I think if I just knew what was wrong I could help her and thats driving me insane. Im becoming a bit paranoid now, ive started to suspect cheating when previously I thought shes not that kind of person. I still think shes not, but the thought in the back of my mind is getting louder and louder.

IM bloody distracted and cant seem to get anything done. Im barely eating because I just dont think about it, then when I do, i start thinking about helping her and forget about getting food.

She hated her first psych so we changed to another who she liked at first. I worte the psych a letter and met her and she told me ive done a great job helping her so far and wanted my insite as to her behaviour ect. She says she likes this one but she refuses to do anything shes asked. She did at first, but once she decided she was getting "better" (and she seemed to be) she stopped.

Im trying not to react, its hard when she goes cold and nasty. 

Thing thats probably hardest is when shes ok, shes the same sweet girl she always was, but in an instant she turns nasty and those instants are happening every 5 mins or so now. Then shell be sweet as pie again till something triggers her and shes just nasty again. 

Just now she came in ashed for a hug, I gave her one. We talked about her experience during the day with the local for dealership and once she got to the part where the service manager was rude to her, she turned from being nice to being a bitch and abusing me for buying a Ford and not a Holden, then stormed out ranting about hows shes selling the BRAND NEW car we bought for her and buying some second hand Commodore and pocketing the cash...

Within 2 mins of that she came back and told me she just found out a mutual friend has died and was nice again.

Im so confused. I dunno how to handel it. 1 second its like theres nothing wrong, then the next im the biggest asshole in the world.

EDIT: Now shes already thinking about dividing asets. She keeps claiming all the brand new stuff we bought over the last couple of years and is insisting I take the old crap. Stuff I bought shes claiming she bought. The money in our houshold expense account she claims is hers (even tho I put in $945 per week and she only put in 300 per week). I plan to leave her with the house we own outright if it come to that, but shes getting petty and posessive over stuff thats not her and is OURs...

I dont want to have to go to a solicitor, but shes starting to become agressive over posessions.