Lived Experience Forum

[CapnWannabe]

G'day all..

I find myself wondering if someone who has never suffered from depression can experience a single event that throws them into the very depths of it.

I started a different thread about 18 months ago regarding the loss of my relationship.  Two years later and I still can't move on.  I went to a friend's 50th the other day, and naturally had a few drinks.  Suddenly I was feeling overwhelmed, and had an emotional breakdown.  Why?!?  Why do I still feel this way about her?  Why can't I get her out of my head?  Why do I keep dreaming about her.....which is scary - invariably I wake up in a cold sweat.  Why do I miss her so much?

She's recently moved away to take care of a family member, and more than likely will never be in my city again, yet I just can't let her go.

Why?!?

[Appleblossom]

Hello @CapnWannabe 

Welcome back.

Wish it was not the way, but often people we meet are in our heads for a long time.  I know a naturopath whose approach is to squeeze out junk foods with good healthy foods.  I wonder if that is an approach to letting go of old relationships.   Not so much new people, cos we cannot control people, but focus on new and healthy activities ....interests .... and any people that may come along with all that.

Getting a little drunk and having an emotional experience might actually be a good thing and a way of releasing pent up pain.  You dont need to overthink it.  It actually shows you care.  I am a bit over my children's gorgeous granpa who moves onto new spouses within a year of the death of the previous one.  Just does not seem enough time to fully grieve if he had been genuine. Emotional life is not all under our control or even completely rational.  Learning about attachment theory has helped me understand myself and my weird attachment behaviours.  We are all different but the human need of attachment is so wired into our very survival that it is core, even when we are adult.

Longing, yearning and desire are natural parts of being human.

[wellwellwellnez]

I'm a bit of a romantic, when it comes to these things. I think, if we do truly let go, how can we call it love. Love is more than a feeling to me. Pretty sure that's the way it's supposed to be.

I'm gonna cut and paste parts of "The Symposium" now. It's drinking party of ancient philospher's giving their best versions and most drunken versions of, what love?

Aristophanes draws an engaging myth that suggests that we were once all twice the people we are now, but that our threat to the gods prompted Zeus to cut us in half. Ever since, we have wandered the earth looking for our other half in order to rejoin with it and become whole

Agathon follows up Aristophanes, and gives a rhetorically elaborate speech that identifies Love as young, beautiful, sensitive, and wise. He also sees Love as responsible for implanting all the virtues in us.

In order to correct him, Socrates relates what he was once told by a wise woman named Diotima. According to Diotima, Love is not a god at all, but is rather a spirit that mediates between people and the objects of their desire. Love is neither wise nor beautiful, but is rather the desire for wisdom and beauty.

[CapnWannabe]

"I think, if we do truly let go, how can we call it love."

That single sentence really resonates with me.  She is the love of my life.  The one I have waited for, for so long.

But it is not to be, and that tears me apart.

[HenryX]

Hello @CapnWannabe , @Appleblossom  and @wellwellwellnez 

I like the thoughts and reflections that you have each offered.

Thank you.

To my children, I have said that I have not loved any one of them less when another was born. I have been married twice, with negative outcomes both times, from my perspective.

Yet, for much of my life I have felt as though I needed to separate that part of me, that was the love for their mother from me, toward her, and the memory of that past love, received by me from her, and place that portion of me into a separate area or space in my mind.

Maybe it is the feeling that someone else no longer holds precious, the love that we believed that the other person once had for us.

Interestingly, your discussion here raises the issues of past or remaining love again for me. In no way, do I say that be-grudgingly. I am, I believe, much older than you, and I can say that there still exists a portion of that love and care, that I felt a long time ago.

Needless to say, my children are an ever existing reminder of that precious space. However, I have over a period of time, come to see them as precious individuals in their own rite, whose presence, whether in my mind or physical space, I cherish.

I do believe that I understand the thoughts and sentiments that you have expressed @CapnWannabe . I acknowledge and respect them.

I would be pleased, if at any time you would like, if you felt comfortable doing so, to talk about the feelings and thoughts that we may have in common, or even differently. In any discussion, I assure you of my care and respect.

With My Very Best Wishes

@HenryX 

[wellwellwellnez]

You know, I've been thinking of better advice for you and it's made me reflect on my own history with intimacy. You may well be doing better than I am. Not that I'm saying it's a competition. I'm saying it's a real problem in the world these days.

So no, you're not alone. And yes, we are alone as a species these days. Good news is, I'm seeing a rising healthy awareness of it. I don't have the answers on this one. (And, I love to pretend that I have answers.)

Thanks for stirring these questions in me. I've been running from them a bit. Hearts matters matter.

[Rhye]

Hey there @CapnWannabe,

It can be really tough to move on from someone we love, and at times it can tip over into grief that becomes complicated and/or difficult to bounce back from. Do you have any professional support you can access to help guide you through your emotions around this loss?

Rhye 🌞

[CapnWannabe]

Hi @Rhye 

I did see a psychologist after the break up.  He didn't help..

[Rhye]

Hi @CapnWannabe,

Just checking in to see how you're going this week 

I noticed you mentioned that you were previously seeing a psychologist who you didn't find to be much of a help, so I'm wondering whether you have a GP that you trust that you might be able to talk through things with and get their advice on trusted professionals in your local area. Finding a trusted therapist was one of the most important things I did in my recovery. I know it's not the whole answer, but it helps to have someone walk beside you to piece everything back together.

[CapnWannabe]

@Rhye 

I have a family GP, who referred me to the psychologist.

I don't think that's the way to go for me.  I worry that if I stop thinking about her, stop getting emotional about her, then I will have lost everything....if that makes any sense.