Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[skylight]

Hi,
I'm scared and desperate. I am the carrier of my husband that has severe depression. Two months ago I discovered that he cheated on me with one ex-girlfriend of more than 25 years ago. We are married for 22 years and have 3 kids together . Since we arrived in Australia he got more and more depressed, as he can't work as an engineer. He was kidnapped in our original country and since this period he was never more the same. He told me recently that got married to me only because he was afraid to be left alone. He is my life and my world however this last information destroyed me completely. I don't know what to do any more. Please, help me...

[Fancy_Pants]

Hi @skylight

Welcome to the Forums

I am so sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time. It sounds like you have been caring for your husband for quite a while? as painful as his words are (especially when you love him and have invested so much) I am just wondering if you think his words are true or intended to hurt you because he is hurting  / or feels guilty for the stress he is putting you under. None of this makes his words acceptable or less painful, just a thought. @Gabriel actually talks here about their experience with promiscuity and why it took place, and there is a very interesting thread here about wives caring for husbands and a now closed thread with some interesting thoughts called "should I stay or should i go" here 

Also wondering how you have been coping for so long? and if you have any supports for yourself? (very important)

does anyone else have any ideas? @Shaz51 @Former-Member @MrsC @artee

[Shaz51]

Hello @skylight

 sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time

My husband has clincal depression and other MI and he has said a lot of things which i am sure he doesn`t mean to say

 I have cryed, I have thought why me , I can`t take it anymore

but I love him and it is not him it is the MI, the depression that is doing this

what do you do for "me Time"

you need to care for yourself to look after others my friend

how are you today @skylight

[skylight]

Hi,

I know that his depression could be talking on his behalf but when you are emotionally involved it is really hard do not believe that his words are not true.

And yes, I have been visiting a counsellor however 45 minutes sections are not much of a help.  There are too many things to be said and explained and I always have to stop my sections in the middle of my cry! which makes me fell even worse than what I was before. I need someone to listen to my entire history of life before taking conclusions. My life is not trivial as I would like to be. 

I lost my father to cancer when 4 years old and my mum got married again 4 years late but I never had a father figure in my life... I dated my husband for 5 years before getting married and after 3 years into our marrige we discovered that he had a benign brain tumor which was affecting his sexual libido. This was medically treated and he got better. One year after we had our first son, which was born prematurally but health. When my son was 3 months old, we were kidnapped on the road. They took my husband with them and only after 3 days in captivity and a big payment for my husband's life, they finally freedom him. I thought I would never see him again! One year after, we decided to leave the country and went to North America. He developed depression over there when I decided to go back to my country to finish my PhD (it took me 3 months to finish). When I arrived back, he had lost 20 kg and thought he had cancer. Although he was never the same again, the depression medication was helping. After a couple of winters there and one more kid, I received an invitation to come to Australia which I accepted because of him (he loves summer and hates winter). However, he felt really back in depression when we arrived at the airport in Australia. The GP gave us new medication, but I don't think it the best for him, as he lost his motivation...He started with counselling but also is not changing much after 10 setions.

I'm not sure what I can do to help him...

PS: Thanks a lot for taking your time to read this post. it means a lot to me!

Skylight

[skylight]

Hi Shaz51,
How do you deal with this situation? What are the strategies you take to calm yourself? Do you have "me Time"?
I don't have much of "me Time"as I don't have family in the country, I work full time and I have 3 kids waiting for me to get back home to help with homework and to do the house chores...

[CherryBomb]

Hi @skylight,

Welcome the Forums. It's nice to meet you. I just thought that I'd mention @Shaz51 for you to get her attention. If you want to call out to a specific member just type th '@' symbol and type their name. This will send them an email notification.

In the mean time, you may want to check out this thread.  @Shaz51 has written about how she's going to care for herself this year. Perhaps @Shaz51 can call out to you in that thread so you can have the conversation there? 

[Shaz51]

Hello @skylight

You wrote How do you deal with this situation-- it has taken me awhile @skylight, i am still learning

I have found being on the Sane forum very helpful  , talking and sharing and starting threads of my own

You wrote ,Do you have "me Time"?
I don't have much of "me Time"--I don`t have much of Me Time too , I also have 4 stepchildren who are all adults now but also busy with husband and we are self employed as hubby can`t hold a job

But I am finding that a little me time is better for me -- like a cuppa under the trees or on the front steps

I read magazines not books , that way i can up it down and pick it up

what do you do to relax  my friend xx

[Shaz51]

Oh @CherryBomb

I'm scared and desperate. I am the carer of my husband that has severe depression. by @skylight

and then it changed to

Re: Introduce yourself here

    don`t know what happened here

[ Edited ]