Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[tryintokeepsane]

thank you dear for sharing your story, I admire your resilience and positive attitude despite everything you have been through. some times it is really hard to see and remember the positives specially when it gets really tough. I wish you all the best with everything in life and a well recovery for your partner.

things have been better in the past week, I had a good discussion with him about what happened and talked about what is acceptable and what is not acceptable, like you said it is not only good for him to realise but for everyone around him too if he makes these changes and becomes serious about his life.
I just really hope he has now realises how serious this is and how serious I am when I say it is not acceptable for me if he goes on using drugs whenever he wants. I don't know what I would do if he uses again. specially now that he has broken his promise after 6 months. the thing is too that he is not addicted to anything and using is just a social thing that his friends do when they are out partying, so it is hard as he doesn't see it as anything serious but I know just because he is not addicted to it and does not have withdrawal symptoms does not justify the action specially with his history of depression and anxiety.
lets see what life has in store for us in future, I guess just like you, I will too have to take it one day at a time...

[PeppiPatty]

@lep227 I apologise, I wrote you an email back because I read your story a few days ago, but mustn't have gone through. hmmmm.....it sounds like, my friend that you have been through the stormy ocean. Im reading a book by Gabor Mate on addiction.....I'm almost there on studying again............

Gabor Mate was a Gp working with persons living in the grass ground of society in Canada. He writes of drug addiction "making the pain tolerable....." Page 33 "

In the Realm of the Hungry Ghosts. writen in 2010.

You can dis what Im going to write or not. I am writing as a layperson, not as a professional....but as someone who is just interested in your story.

If I remember properly, isn't BPD about abandonment?

Can I be more forward and ask you to stop looking at him and ask you very gently and kindly if you can write about yourself?

If I remember properly, focusing on someone with abandonment issues is going to turn your cup upside down and around and around if you don't say...Okay, How am I going to be today? What can I do today to get support tour me??

[PeppiPatty]

Dear @tryintokeepsane

Thanks for your message. How are you today? 

Thinking about you from PP

[lep227]

Thanks PeppiPatty, i love your perspective on what i have written, these forums can give us such insight through others about what is going on with ourselves. Perhaps i wrote in the wrong forum section, but i really thought i was telling the story of my partner but you're absolutely right, even if i was to write about myself, at this point in time it would still be about him, rightly or 'wrongly'. Thanks for this lightbulb moment and yes...maybe i need to look at myself more but i'm the stronger one at the moment and i'm here for him. Please tell me more about BPD and abandonment, i'm trying to learn about his mental illness (eventhough i have no diagnosis).

Thanks again

[PeppiPatty]

I'lle re read your story, the story is good but it's just that you reminded me of when I purchased all these books on Psychotherapy Diagnosis......it was for study........but I had a seriously drug addicted  boyfriend too and it was a relief going to therapy and obsessing over him ......

Now I know, that was MY way of dealing with my pain over my son's illness. he was very very ill.

He is fine now.

But I didnt want to think of my son's illness nor my older son's issues....I wanted to struggle with something else. But it was and should have been and was meant to me about ME and my son's fear. My oldest son's anger.

Just to let you know, they are fine now. I have a relationship with them both. They were both in therapy when I dated this person. 

BUt at the time It was more important to spend this money on books and read about this....boyfriend's 'diagnosis,' BPD. Psychosis.

Today....... I have nothing to do with that person but I do know that he has said some things to mutual friends, about 10 years ago that I saved his life.

Thats nice. And I care about him very much. 

So, your story is very different that mine.

But what I got out of your story is this;

The most important person in this reationship is actually you. And how you decide to work out your own flexibillity and what you can cope with. 

What are your values?

Why did you begin using and why did you stop? Did you have to stop?

How will you get support?

What are your long term goals?

This is not an Australian Book but I find the book; 

Mental Health Recovery Heroes Past and Present: A handbook for mental health care staff, service users and carers

This groundbreaking new handbook examines the concept of personal recovery through the narratives of, and interviews with, people from all walks of life who have embarked on a recovery journey and thus might be considered heroes.

I joined Scribd and they have this book online in their books.

What you are choosing is difficult. How will you cope when your partner needs hospital? Can you keep on remembering your own self in this? This is the only way your relationship with your partner will survive. In that you know yourself. 

I am married to my soul mate. He also has a diagnosis and I need to always check in with myself on what I can do. So we broke up for 18 months because his way of living was not for me. It was amazing when he came back....but I still wasnt quite sure. We ened up realising that we were just meant to be together ....after 8 months of visiting each other. 

No matter what I do, I check in to see if I'm ok. It is really hard work to get into a habit of it and years and years of therapy for myself. 

This book has helped me so much. What is harder is choosing to call myself a proud consumer which means I have accessed mental health agencies in the past. 

It's really easy to run around and talk to everyone about MY Husbands diagnosis. What I have to do to keep myself in good health. 

Arent I wonderful?

But what do you think it is like for my....soul mate? Is this a soul mate type of thing to do? To discuss my husbands diagnosis??

What happens if he hears me discussing his 'diagnosis?" Will he walk away with me ....feeling loved? 

Another amazing book is by Ann Devenson," Tell me Im here." This is about her son Johnothon, a normal family, who's oldest son fell into Schizphrenia. her maothering was normal, but he was the oldest son and the trauma of the divorce when he was about 6, playing with illegal substances at 13 kick started his journey into Schizophrenia. 

The story is .....compassionate and just stays with you for ages. 

Please write again, I love learning from you too 

How are you spending your days?

PP

[lep227]

Hi PeppiPatty, thankyou for sharing that with me. I wonder too sometimes what my partner would think about me 'looking up' about his 'diagnosis'. It's alright for me to say , oh...well, he should be glad his partner is trying to learn more about his 'illness'...none of his other boyfriends have!' But is this real? Deep in my heart i believe it is BUT i must discuss this with him and until now i've been too afraid. Anyone knows that someone with BPD can fly at you with shocking bouts of anger when their emotional topsy-turvy world is invaded. I am reading books about his possible diagnosis in order to make sense of his head in my own. It is in this sense about me but indirectly benefits him because i then know how not to make his pain worse. (I also benefit as i am studying Mental Health this year so any books i read are beneficial). I am so glad your sons are well and that you are married to your soul mate and how proud are you that you saved the life of your former partner? Thats awesome. I believe you have a gift, all the people in your life have someone they can cherish who undertsands and supports them when mental health issues can be so baffling and frustrating.

My partner is coming home from rehab for his first weekend visit this Friday, its been more than two months. I am already starting to panic, what if he doesn't come? What if he wants revenge for me not visiting him at Christmas because of limits i had to put in place? OMG! Breathe deeply, que sera que sera. I am working closely with my psychologist on these issues. Wish me luck.

[PeppiPatty]

Hey @lep227

I like your message but I can sense a lot of confusion in the air for you.

The best way for you is to do what you truly feel is the best for you....I told you thinking like this is difficult 

It's checking in on your feelings......it's so much easier to focus on the one you love.

My husband is very very stressed. He has just moved in with me. All of huis stress falls on top of me every morning and I am being as truthful as I can with you.......it feels like the only time I feel comfortable is when we are about to go to bed and Im reading or doing my craft work. 

How are you going to be when he gets out?

Can you do some .......rituals around your home to get into a habit in doing?

[Puppy16]

Hi,

I am just starting out on my journey with my partner possibly being dependent on drugs - I actually don't know, but from his behaviour and paranoia and delusions, it is possible as he does have a history of drugs. However, has promised me that he is using right now. I really love him and I am hoping for an outcome like yours, really hoping! Regardless whether it is drug-induced or just a psychotic episode for whatever reason, I really hope for his sake that he will accept some treatment so that he can start enjoying life again. It's heartbreaking seeing people we love suffering so much. I just want it to be over.