Lived Experience Forum

[August]

Hello everyone.

For a number of years now I have lived with PTSD and BPD. I'm at the point in my recovery journey where I can see the BPD in my behaviours and understand where it's coming from. For a long time I didn't realise there was anything wrong, and then I didn't know what was actually me and what was the BPD in the way I behaved.

My romantic relationship is tumultuous because of me. I struggle to control and regulate my emotions in response to things, I get stupidly angry at my partner over nothing things (I create arguments over nothing), I push him away and pull him back. We live far apart, and when he leaves from visiting me I have a lot of trouble handling it and I pick fights because of it. I know that I'm doing all these things, I now can understand why and where they are coming from - the BPD. I know that I am really hard to be in a relationship with and it makes me feel so horrible. 

But at the same time, I feel like he doesn't try to help me. I feel like there are ways to approach me when these things happen that would help me calm down or make me feel better. He doesn't seem interested in learning about BPD. He tells me he knows about it all, but I feel like he doesn't understand it at all, nor does he even try to. It's like he doesn't get that this isn't me, these things aren't me. Then the stupid thing is that the more I feel like he doesn't understand or try to understand, the angrier I get. 

For example, he was visiting me over the past week and left on Friday. As soon as he left I was a mess, and I had this completely irrational nagging anxious fear deep in the pit of my stomach that I'd somehow made him lose interest in me and he wouldn't come back again (thanks a lot for that, BPD). This wasn't based on anything in reality - we'd had a really lovely time while he was here. All I needed him to tell me things were fine and he loved me. So I tried to explain this feeling to him (via text) and told him I needed some reassurance that it was just in my head and that things were okay. He didn't give me the reassurance I needed. Instead all he said was 'We are okay aren't we?".

And I basically just exploded (which is the anger part of my BPD). If he understood me and BPD, if he got the reason behind my stupid irrational fear, why couldn't he just give me some actual reassurance instead of a question basically asking for reassurance from me? And why couldn't he reassure me - why couldn't he tell me things were fine, did this mean they actually aren't fine and my anxious feeling was right??? This then deteriorated into an argument, and I was so angry. Basically he now thinks that anything he says just isn't good enough for me and he does everything wrong, and that I'm unfair... that I can't just say something disruptive like I did and just expect the 'right' answer from him without considering the effect of what I say has. Literally all I wanted from him was reassurance that he loved me and everything was completely okay, nothing had changed and how he felt hadn't changed, and now I've caused a massive argument all over something completely stupid and I feel so worthless.

So, I guess my questions are how do you approach a partner and ask them to try and help you? How do I do it without coming across like I'm trying to shirk personal responsibility for my behaviour and blame it on the BPD? How do I get him to understand that I do require constant reassurance and that I also need him to approach me in different ways than he sometimes does? How do I get him to understand that it isn't me and I need his help?

Thank you.

[Appleblossom]

Dear @August Welcome to the forums.

I have had to wait a long time before I got straight answers to straight questions, or help after a request. I am not sure how to help you, yet the fear of abandonment is huge for me too, so I just keep reaching out.I also am used to being a loner and finding things to do.

It is great you can reflect on behaviours and your relationships and learning about PTSD and BPD. I am pretty sure I have them both but not strictly diagnosed.

People often have very different personal styles .. some are more intense .. your partner might have a more laid back way of expressing himself ... but still deeply care. Some people might feel smothered by a behaviour and others reassured ... we are all learning about interpersonal dynamics .. its an ongoing process.

[-karma-]

Hi @August

I'm currently reading the buddha and the borderline by Kiera Van Gelder,an American woman with a BPD diagnosis.

She asks her partner to be very involved in her treatment, he acts like sounding board for her and they have weekly check ins. From memory he attends a DBT group for partners and family.

It's an interesting read as she comes to self realisation, and asking for the help she needs.

Credit to her, she puts in the hard yards also.

I found it at my local library 

[Incarise1982]

I have the same issues he just does not care if he did he will make an effort but they never do my family does not care as well everyone is so busy indulging in there own lives they havent even got the time to give you a hug i just light up a candle make a nice bath take my meds and go to sleep i still enjoy my studies and have kids that i must take care of just today we had so much fun it was warm and we had water fights in the back yard that made me happy find what you love the most in life and go for it

[Cherpieus]

Unfortunately I've learned the hard way recenty that you can't rely on a partner to help you.

I tried explaining how my Depression was effecting me and it caused the biggest rift between my husband and I. 

Never again will I talk to him about it. In essence he doesn't want to know because he can't fix it or me. 

So my answer is you can't get your partner to help you and the more you try the worse it will be. Forums like this are my only help.

[August]

Thanks everyone for reading and also for giving your input. I really, seriously appreciate it that people take time out to respond to me. 

I think it just gets to me a lot because I'm in a really bad place right now. Things for me tend to be quite cyclical and I've just had about a year of being good and getting through my studies successfully and functioning really well, but I can see all the warning signs and behaviours of a crash and a big, big low creeping in and I just wish he could support me right now.

I'm not sure if I'm replying properly so hopefully this is okay! 

@Cherpieus That's basically what I feel happens in my relationship too - the more I try the worse it seems to be. It's just a big,vicious cycle. I'm sorry it's the same for you. It's hard to be in an environment where you feel there isn't much support especially when you really need it. Are you okay? Do you find forums helpful?

@Incarise1982 Oh, that's a pretty good way to deal with it! I'm so jealous... do you know how much I wish I had a bath!! haha. I'd give anything to be able to light up the candles, drop a bath bomb in and just enjoy it. It sounds like you have the ability to make the most out of the small, positive, everyday things (like your water fight!) that you encounter throughout the day, that's a really good skill to have.

@-karma- That actually sounds like a really interesting read and something that I should look into. I'll check my local library for it, thank you for the suggestion! I was on a waiting list for DBT a while ago but I never ended up going. I should really look into that again and maybe ask my partner if he wants to be involved in any way.

@Appleblossom It's true, everyone does have different interpersonal styles. I recognise that, and I know my partner's style but it still infuriates me that he doesn't seem to care enough to actually try and proactively help me. I don't know, it probably frustrates me too much and I think I do dwell on it too much. It's just hard knowing my own behaviours and what the BPD especially influences, and knowing what could be done to help from another person yet not getting that help.

[Anon1981]

Hi August

I am also diagnosed with BPD, PTSD and chronic depression while appreaing to live a "normal" life. At 34, I have two failed marriages and an additional two abandoned engagements behind me, so maybe I'm not the ideal person to give advice(!) but....

I have been in my current relationship for about a year and it's the first time I've ever felt properly supported but, at the same time, like I'm a real person of value. My boyfriend will never really understand how I think (and I'm not sure I will either!) but he will always, always ask as much as he can to get the picture. Our relationship is far from perfect though and we've recently decided to live apart for a period as I could tell the stress of worrying about me 24/7 was too much for him.

To be honest, I think it's largely been a matter of luck that, after many years, I happen to have met an extraordinarily generous and patient person. However I also continue to work hard on communication from my side. I think the key has been to learn to properly describe my feelings but without letting the current emotion feed off the fact that I'm talking about it and therefore get bigger. I'm not sure if that makes much sense...!

My best friend is also BPD and she has huge problems with always being attracted to men (well, boys) who are not at all equipped to respond to her needs... so, even though she's gained a lot of insight and skills form DBT, her boyfriends are just not able to respond appropriately. But then... rather than see that the problem is that the other person is just not a good fit, she tries to explain herself more and more and ends up coming across as really hard work.

In my opinion, having BPD is a pretty shit experience most of the time, especially when you're still learning how all the assumptions you've always made about what other people think are not neccessarily right. But that's a key thing to remember - all the assumptions you make about what other people think are not neccessarily right. Your boyfriend going home is not an indication that he's going cold on you - your mind may tell you that it is very loudly but it's not. I understand your want/need for reassurance but part of the shit thing about this condition is that, for relationships to work, we have to practice retraining the patterns in our mind that lead to incorrect conclusions.

One thing that I think works in our favour is that we can get a sense very early on in relationships - romantic, platonic and professional - whether someone is going to be responsive to our needs or not. If they are, we will of course give everything we can in return and it makes for a very fulfilling interaction. But many people just have not had the experience to conceptualise where we're coming from and/or can't muster up the motivation to take on the huge task of trying to learn. That's hard to accept but, in my personal experience, pushing them harder never worked.

I hope there is something in here that you find useful and that it's not all too negative! 

All the best.

[Cherpieus]

Hi,

Sorry I didn't see your question earlier... I've only just worked out how to get back to previous subject threads :).

I am ok. Things are improving for me with some new medication.

The forums are very helpful because it's the only place I reveal what's happening for me and I get a lot of encouragement reading about what others are going through.

The other day I was desparate for some reassurance from my husband and was tempted to ask for it... but I held back and I think that was best because it seems the more 'needy' I appear the worse things are between us.

How are thing with you?

Cherpieus