Lived Experience Forum

[Appleblossom]

Thanks for your thoughtful reply. @Zoe7   It showed you did "listen" while reading my post.

Until last few years I have always moved away and moved on without confrontation ....

for lots of reasons ...

Both triggering ladies were teachers or in ed dept.

I did not confront the disabled ex clerical worker, but if she is rude and abrupt to me again, I will.  Just because her disability is visible (she has a limp) does not mean that she should not give consideration to other disabled people and just plain ... other people ... by the time we get old ... everyone has some weakness/disability or other ....

The bossy lady who deliberately dug and confronted me ... not sure how that will go ..  she is also loud about suicide issues ... which I have delicately side stepped ... she really needs a dummy put in her mouth ... I promised the lady who calmed me down that I would not leave the choir ... yet. 

Logging off.

[Zoe7]

I totally agree with you that having a disability does not exclude basic manners or human decency @Appleblossom One needs to also stick our own personal values and sense of justice in amongst such confrontations ...and if you can come out the other side not only sticking up for what you believe but also being able to say that your personal self-respect is in tact then you have done all you can do. The thoughts and actions are out of our control but we can state our own position and feel good that we have stuck up for what we believe. I have no doubt you will do what feels right for you - and just maybe your own self-worth will get a little lift as a result. 

[Appleblossom]

Thank you @outlander @Teej and @Zoe7 fpr suporting my posts about this.

Just took some more prn trying not to be obviously distressed as that will likely trigger my son.

Am pacing around after doing music or computer and talking out loud to those ladies ...

Ahem ... not really ladies at all ... not a patch on my grandmother, mother or sisters or anyone in my family ... yet I am the one struggling with intrusive thoughts ... and our family has suffered a lot.

Will continue to distract, be responsible and try not to drive into any walls.

I know all the mental illness in my family is all about real trauma.

[Zoe7]

These experiences are very real for you @Appleblossom and should not be compared to traumas within your family. This has been a trigger for you with your own past experiences and that is indeed very real for you. We would not in any way minimise the impact this is having on you and you do not need to do that either. What you have been confronted with in regards to these women is not okay - they are not compassionate people in any regard and you have been a little pawn in their own game - that is not at all okay.  You are allowed to be angry about this and feel that you have been treated unfairly - because you have. Those that do not listen yet push their own agenda constantly will ultimately be the losers here too because what you will maintain is you own self-respect while those women will show their true colours and others will see that too. Stay strong Apple - look after yourself and get through this in whatever way you can 

[Teej]

It always seems unfair that we are the ones with the intrusive thoughts and in distress @Appleblossom . I relate to the internal distress that has come about from others. 

I’m wondering if it’s not worth thinking about this as an exercise in values. You have strong values that I respect and I know others do too. It took a lot of courage to do what you did. It is something to be proud of. It also is about your integrity which is also pretty strong. As Brene Brown would talk about you are in the arena and bruised and battered but your integrity and self worth are still standing strong. You owe it to you and all the hard fought battles you’ve had over the years to rise strong again. Follow that passionate heart of yours and don’t let bossy people get in the way of that. I know that is so much easier said than done and I hope it is helpful and not harmful to read this post. 

Thinking of you knowing how hard the extreme emotions and distress is just now. 

💜🤗

[Former-Member]

 Hi @Appleblossom, 

I'm sorry this happened to you, the be so "triggered" by this self opinionated, arrogant woman. WTF! Who do these people think they are presuming they know better for someone else's family!? She needs to shove a sock in it and grow some manners. You were probably already so stretched just participating & worrying about your son... Feel for you so much.

You made a good point:

"Mental health issues are always the result of a long succession of unresolved issues, but not always the fault of the person who is suffering.  Usually they are trying their hardest ...

I agree, ignorant people have no idea. As Jesus said "they know not what they do" - well, I think in this case she should have known better, but maybe she is just not a 'full quid' as my dad would say.

I'm glad you got home safely & self cared with a prns. That's what they're for... And, I agree you did the right thing going back to the after party calmed down "in company" 

I've always admired you A lot regarding "self control" & perseverance out "bring to bear" in concert and social situations. You do better than me with this. 

The pics you posted are lovely, and I can see how this would be all part  of your calming self care. 

YOU'VE DONE REALLY WELL MANAGING HOW YOU DID. ITS SO HARD ON OUR OWN WHEN TRIGGERED. PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK. 

ITS GOOD FOR ME TO READ HOW YOU MANAGE, I'VE BEEN STRUGGLING WITH COLD SWEAT & NOT BREATHING PANICKING... 

YOU INSPIRE ME 💙

[Faith-and-Hope]

@Appleblossom  💛💕

[Appleblossom]

Thank you @Former-Member  your reply was heartfelt.

An early psychiatrist (in my 20s) who was into body therapy picked up that my breathing was always cut short and jagged, even tho I have consciously worked on it all my adult life.  I have swum, sung, played recorder and done many styles of mindfulness, meditation and exercise.

I bought a book in 1984 by a husband & wife team Alexander and Leslie Lowen

The Way to Vibrant Health: a Manual of Bioenergetics Exercises

Getting a little buzz of blast from the past taking it off my bookshelf to share it with you.

I shared it a lot with my husband and am sure it helped him come through the worst years of his schizophrenia.  Embodiment is Huge.  

Its old and maybe out of date. There are heaps and heaps of things like it around now.  

In old age I have developed funny somatic habits, where I tense my muscles, often bruising myself, and sometimes have facial tics, tho usually only let those out in the car while driving alone and not in public ...  people cannot cope with much.  I usually seem calm and centred cos I have done so much of that type of WORK on myself, but I allow the trauma and anxiety out in my nail biting and picking.  SO it can be obvious but does not freak out the poor normal people with delicate sensibilities .... It is my coping style.

@Faith-and-Hope Thanks Bella

@Zoe7 @Teej yes values usually does come into all interpersonal stuff. 

The true colours thing is only part of it. She was a secondary teacher so feels she knows a lot about people.  It is a sophisticated social environment with mostly top end professionals.  I do not want my life on show for casual perusal. I shared on this forum for free to try and help other people with genuine deep struggles.  My last words to her were ... "dont do it again" uttered straight and direct.  I am not usually that direct, but that does not mean I am false. I put effort into being diplomatic and appropriate.

Need to go shopping with my son for food and some tech dooverwopit.

Means so much to me to have this outlet.

[Zoe7]

@Appleblossom Sometimes that direct approach is needed - especially when you have been hurt by someone and they just do not get the effects of their words or actions. I think you did a great job in stating your views very clearly and asking directly for it to not happen again. Hopefully she will take that on board and not do it again 

[Appleblossom]

Initially she was very mouthy deliberately repeating ... "and but" ... and another argument ... very cocky ... then saying she was "bored" ... I think that took the cake ... during the singing of the last half I was very stirred up ... and anger at her brushing over my trauma which I did not want to share ... I will give her boring ... 

Sad to say I was heavy handed metaphorically.

We were singing from another Requiem, and I had offered up Our German Requiem a few years ago when my 2nd brother died.  She knows nothing of that, but I did tell I wanted her to "think about blood and guts" ... lots of it  ... I reiterated it ... so it was not nice and I was upset ... but I had 15 years of blood issues with one bro and 7 years of guts with another... I just checked fb and there is a photo of me in a crowd after the encounter standing with the lady who had been kind.  I dont look too weird, just a small head in a big group celebrating and in triumph.  Then later we sat and a man whose wife IS overprotective and magnifies the amount of disability her only child a daughter has, came over to us, complained about his wife flirting with 3 men, then said it was fair, he was talking 2 women. The teacher may have misplaced her attitude with me and should have directed it at that lady, but, anyway after my subdued (I let the other lady speak, so was brief, brusque but honest ) ... about autism . .. he said he would "talk to me again" ... whatever that means ....the subdued lighting must have hidden my tear stained face ... 

Thanks for being there and responding @Zoe7 I nearly had a car accident that night ...