Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

Just been in bed,I had to get up I'm severely distressed with emotional pain .Went for a 12 km walk tonight,kept stopping with the sick  feeling the world would be better place without me.

Haven't had it this bad for a while,but feel that after 5 years of struggling this,gone through therapy etc,it's hopeless.

I don't know how I can ever be happy and believe that there should be euthanasia for people like me.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member

It is a very frightening and extremely painful place to be in when depression hits so hard. Do you have anyone you can talk to at home about how you are feeling? Please don't hesitate to ring lifeline or similar if you continue to feel overwhelmed. We are here for you and others will jump on board eventually to help. You can talk to a @Former-Member here as well if you continue to feel worse.

I noted you said that you have not felt this bad for quite awhile. In my own experience with feeling such deep depression relapses can happen that overwhelms as it is for you now, I so feel for you - but please hold onto the hope that this intensity of pain will pass. Tomorrow you may feel a little better. In the meantime we are here for you and are listening. Sending you a warm hug 💕xx

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Former-Member,

Haven't had that level of severe  emotional distress for a few months and its a time when I just want to be put out of my misery as it's torture.

I have no one to talk to at home.Had to post it as this is the only support I have.I have been highly stressed past few days with triggers which contributed to my crisis last night.Knew on my walk yesterday,just want to disappear and had thoughts the world would be a better place without me.

Not feeling great this morning.Wish I had a physical illness because all you can think and made to think is you are self centred and weak.

Thanks for replying @Former-Member.Appreciate it.💕

[Former-Member]

Oh @Former-Member, I wish I could grab you and hold you 'till this pain all melts away. I've lived such emotional distress too, its agonising and those suicidal thoughts is your mind searching for a way to stop the pain, which is what minds do. We are the observer of the thoughts and can decide which ones to act on. I still don't know fully how i survived the years of similar distress you speak of. That emotional pain - its taken me a lifetime to know what it is, to get in touch and find relief. In steal I ran ran ran, pushed it down, tried to reason with it, get angry, blame this or that or someone so I can pluck it out... It demands attention but drains what's left of us. What I think helped me turn a corner was CREATING NEW EXPERIENCES that reset the mind and heart. Engage fully in activities that feed your soul (give something bavk and restore inner energy). For me its garden and sewing mostly. But using mindfulness techniques while you go, engage all 5 senses while you're doing it, acknowledging 5 things for each sense and when something good stands out - be self compassionate, breath in deep and let yourself heal a little by enjoying the little things, no matter how brief. Trust me, it works. We have to learn to be our own best friend you can donit, you have strength - I sense it in you. Hang in there. So glad you're here 💕

💜🐦💜🐦💜

[Bat_Girl]

Hi @Former-Member

I know it is not a generally approved of opinion, but I too believe that there should be euthanasia for people like me. Sometimes I ache for this relief/release.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so low.  For me it's a cycle of up, down, anxious and stressed and completely overwhelmed and hopeless. Sounds like you are currently in the last stage. YUK!

I wish I could offer some solution to your pain, particularly as exercise hasn't helped you. I do want to say that I understand your distress and hope that you come through to the other side soon. I try to escape the looming abyss by reading and losing myself in the drama and activity of someone else's story.

As hard as it is to accept when you're feeling this way the world would NOT be a better place without you. 

Sending you positive vibes and a virtual hug.

B_G

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Former-Member and @Bat_Girl

I do garden @Former-Member,tried to get a new life and experiences through change which as stated on this site backfired,as I can't get a job I'm in a continuous welfare cycle which feeds my depression and anxiety through low self worth,massive hopelessness isolation and no interest in others for fear of them triggering  me.

I know my triggers past two days a elderly mother who is getting more dependent, demanding and who is deteriorating in health,and feeling rejection and dishonesty from someone.I feel trapped and had it.

If you have had emotional distress,last night it was like my brain was going to explore,it's a build up of pressure and came when I just got into the bed.I have had it over the past few years with psychosis or illusion of someone telling me I'm worthless etc.

I am on the website everyday @Bat_Girl,but can't be there for anyone today.Im drained from the emotional exhaustion.The only good thing was it washed me out to sleep like a child,which is what you feel like.It regresses you back to childhood when you just need someone to calm you down,but no one is there.Did another 12km walk  this morning.Im often distressed on my walks but I know I'm stressed at the moment as well I will go out in the garden @lapses and probably read a book later which is my method of diverting bad thoughts and take a calmative to relax me tonight.

Thanks to both of you.💌

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member

I am so sorry you are feeling so bad - I know myself that something from the past can cause those terrible feelings to suddenly appear - and if I could I would hug you until this passed - but I can assure you that you are worth being here and it is a sad thing to know you feel the world would be better off without you

I mean - that you feel this way - I know your mother is fading but giving your a hard time - my mother did but I kept away and that has a sting in the tail too - I think you are caught up with that at the moment - and I know what a hard thing that is - and being estranged is no fun either

You wish you had a physical illness - wow - I know - I had a physically painful event two days before an emotionally painful event - ah yes - they gave me strong pain-killers for the accident but for the emotional pain - those pain killers did not touch that - I had an operation for the physical problem and caring for it all these years have helped it heal but the emotional pain - that hurts so much more so I get it - I understand - a physical thing can be seen and understood by others too - but an emotional thing - no one can see that - it's like you have to hide it or shut up about it

But not here - you can talk about it here

Everyone is worth their place here on earth Li1 - I am really sad that you have had a sudden falling back - or an on-rush of your emotions. As bad as they are you are entitled to feel that way though - it does not diminsh your value

I wish I could send a long long hug - alas it has to be an on-line hug

Care heaps

Dec

[Former-Member]

I'd be better off @Owlunar not existing,it's only more misery and suffering.I told my mother this afternoon I had a bad anxiety attack last night,she got the shits no empathy. I changed and washed her bedding this afternoon I do it weekly ,I was disgusted.She then asked me as usual whilst I was busy to look at her phone,I ignored her,too agitated over the lack of gratitude and understanding. It.
I'm tired @Owlunar,tonight I feel like the "joke",my Uncle said I was when I was a kid,and my life is that unfortunately.Thank you, here's the only place I can vent.💕I'm living on borrowed time.

[Appleblossom]

I hear you and also have walked in the night with tears streaming.

Are there any community supports to help your mother, so you do not have to do it all. 

The council have personal care workers etc. 

Maybe it is staying in a toxic situation that keeps your mood low.

I have thought about the euthanasia line, but it gets too tricky if others make the decisions.

Gently with yourself.

[Former-Member]

Thanks for your thoughts @Appleblossom,

We don't have help, not yet but my mother has been deteriorating over winter.Shes got something wrong with her lower lumbar spine,Dr ordered a MRI scan.She can hardly walk.The way she's going  I think in the long term she will end up in the nursing home.

My doctor wanted me to go back on antidepressants,and yes to me it's the fact that no use taking a pill when it's my environment, something I tried hard to escape but worse off than ever.

The euthanasia-when I was like that last night I just want to be put out of my misery.And yes tricky situation but should be a option in my opinion