Lived Experience Forum

[Zai]

Hi, I’m just feeling the need to

share while I still look for a therapist. I have BPD and my parents just visited and it caused me to go into a really intense depression. I feel guilty because I cancelled all of my work for the next week because I believed I’d be so depressed I’d be unable to get out of bed but I really can’t afford to take any time off work so today I have to try to get all the work back. I feel like I come off completely unreliable to everyone in my life. I also feel like my friends can’t really empathise with how debilitating it is to live with such severe depression. Just wondering if anyone can relate to that?
I’m looking at finding dbt therapy but I also feel like I possibly have ADHD or autism or both but my last diagnosis cost me $600 : (  

[Kyle1]

Gosh. That's quite a lot of money to receive a diagnosis. That has to sting... I can see how this would add to the urgency of not wanting to not lose work hours, @Zai 

You mentioned feeling unreliable, aswell as having friends that might not understand depression; and if anyone could relate to that? ... well, I can. 

I believe that no matter how well we envision things going, and how thoroughly we might plan ahead, or even how well intentioned we are, life has a way of wagging its ears and blowing big fat rasperries in our face!

Things will happen beyond our control.

There is an element of unpredictability to existence.

This isn't always a bad thing, either.

Though, sometimes it can be.

For me personally, it took til just a couple years ago to accept that yes: I am unreliable sometimes. "Sorry - but that's just the way it goes". I mean, I'd proven it too many times to myself to try and kid anyone else!

"I'm likely to get sick over here. I'm probably not going to do my best over there. This is me."

After decades of conditioning, and what seems like a wide load of societal expectation, it is still difficult to deal with, however. No matter how non chalant we might affirm to ourselves that a fish doesn't climb trees, life's currents can still feel so against us.

Like 600 dollars to be diagnosed. Or a lack of empathy from those closest to us...

[Former-Member]

G'day Zai, I'm sorry it sounds like you're going through a tough one atm. I also often end up taking off a lot of work, often from feeling depressed but sometimes just because I feel so overwhelmed I just feel paralyzed and it leaves me feeling even more of a burden on my friends, family, etc. And I too believe I may have undiagnosed Autism/ADHD.

I read your post while trying to distract myself from the shame that I have yet to do any work all day, despite the fact I was meant to start at ~4 hours ago and I created an account because if nothing else I can relate, and it sucks, it really sucks. I hope you can find a way forward 😕