Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Dots]

Hi again - I'm concerned that if I post something here about how I'm feeling right now, someone suffering from the illness will feel guilty/responsible. So let me preface this with, I love all my children with all my heart. It's not black and white but my frustrations are embedded with love and support and my thoughts are just that, thoughts; some welcome and helpful, some not, and everything in between.

My daughter has very strong abandonment issues. Real to her. Suffocating to me. She is working with her psyche on this, but in the meantime, she wants to be with me 24/7. I constantly put my life on hold and if I respectfully say I just need 20 minutes, it can be met with cries of "you have no idea". That's what happened when she made her attempt. I said I just need 20 minutes.

I'm so scared. Scared she'll rarely leave my side. Scared she'll attempt again when I go back to work. Scared she'd rather see me slave to the house and her needs, than an independent, strong-minded, loving mother.

Wish me luck. And any advice about returning to work, I work 3 days, will be appreciated.

Thanks for listening

[Former-Member]

Hi @Dots

It is so very difficult when our loved ones attempt, when they come home 24/7 suicide watch is draining. I understand your fear, I was terrified leaving my husband in his own after his attempt. A mother leaving a daughter after an epileptic fit would probably have similar feelings.

Living in fear is not sustainable for our own sanity. It is so very important to get your own support through this (as it is for all the family - not just the primary patient). I felt ill equipped as to what to do when he was discharged, I feel stronger because of the support and psych education I now have, but cannot say how this would translate in a crisis.

Be ever so gentle with yourself, it is very hard to come to terms with the fact that our loved ones do have a potentially terminal disorder. Because of the way this occurs in mental illness, that it is behavioural, we often think of it differently or more preventable than with what happens if a patient has another illness. An attempt is not our fault; it is an effect of this disorder.

Darcy

[Determined]

@Dots

I can relate to so much of what you are saying,  I really trust things go smoothly for you when you go back to work.

I am heading back to university studies and work next week so have similar concerns. 

[Dots]

Thanks Darcy

I know - we don't have much of a support network. My husband is looking for ways for him to be home more.

I just never thought she would make an attempt. She's been battling depression all her teenage years and I took a year off work to look after her. I then went back 3 days/week which gives me some flexibility which is great. And I feel so lucky to have that. I thought we had everything in place, and it was the one time when I said I needed 20 minutes to myself. That's what I'm trying to come to terms with.

I've just pulled out of my uni research - something I was loving.

Good luck with yours. And good luck with your return to work.

Thanks for listening

[Former-Member]

@Dots

Coming to terms with an attempt is difficult. I will tag you in a 'Topic Tuesday' thread about this.

Seeing a psychologist to get some support for ourselves is often helpful. Your GP will be able to do an assessment to see if you qualify for 10 medicare rebateable sessions.

Caregiver guilt for taking time out to attend to our own needs is a common feeling among carers. It took me far too long to learn that we must take care of ourselves mentally, socially, physically and spiritually. Like most carers, I struggle with doing this but have made a start and am coping a lot better.

The BPD foundation may be a good place to get help - they provide support and advice for carers

https://bpdfoundation.org.au/carers.php


Carers Australia can be a good starting point for some - they offer some free counseling and can often direct you to appropriate help.

http://www.carersaustralia.com.au/about-us/contact/

There is a little diy online course put out by the Qld govt + others that might help too

http://mhr4c.com.au

Darcy

[Former-Member]

@Dots

The Topic Tuesday is closed so I cannot tag you. If you go to the 'special events' tab you will find it there with a last post date of 28 November 'Supporting someone after a suicide attempt' I will warn you it is an emotional read.

There is also a thread from 2017 about supporting someone with BPD.

There is a session coming up soon on personality disorders too - this is in March - you will find the info in the special events thread too.

Darcy

[Former-Member]

Hi @Dots

Sorry for the late reply. Just wanted you to know that I have been through what you have with my daughter also and yes, we are getting through it.

My daughter is 21 (22 years old in April) and had a near fatal attempt mid last year. She was diagnosed whilst in hospital with Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD and bi-polar. This was triggered by sexual assault and she has been struggling since 15 years of age. She was also in a very abusive relationship that triggered her despair and suicide attempt.

My daughter is much improved now. She has her set backs but is stronger. This has only happened recently and it was a long struggle that I felt I would never get through at times. I thought things would never change as it was so against the odds - but I never lost hope entirely. So yes, there is a light at the end of the tunnel that flickers now and then giving us all hope and helping us to move forward. My daughter handles life better as she addresses her issues more, sought some counselling and copes better now instead of self medicating. She is getting there.

I hope this has helped a little and that you and your family are doing okay.

[Grasshopper3]

@Dots

I see you have made lots of 'friends' on here, really good to see.

You will get through this bit, and the sun will shine for you and your daughter, and when it does, enjoy it!

It will happen, just wait and see.

Lots of love,

Grasshopper3

[Dots]

Thanks - I just want to feel light again.

And I want my daughter to enjoy the small and everyday. And manage the highs and lows, and and and....

Thanks for listening x

[Determined]

Hi @Dots

Just wanted to check in and see how you are going...

Really hoping things are stable for you and your family at the moment. 

'And I want my daughter to enjoy the small and everyday. And manage the highs and lows, and and and....'

This is something I realy want for my darling also so can relate ti that emotion...