Lived Experience Forum

[MoonGal]

Some days, like today. Even though I am content, safe, have some things to do. Have dog-company. Suddenly I find myself tearing up. I am listening to the most beautiful classical music - and just browsing forums and fb. And then wham. Knot in the chest, tight in the throat, tears in the eyes.

I wonder - should I go with this. Just feel it. Not run and hide from it? I tend to slam on the brakes. It's such a fine line, actually allowing myself to feel my feelings and worrying that if I do I will be swamped by the tsunami in here.

Do others have these feelings arising? I cry just about every day, even when i am not in a depressive state. Just cry I just want to cry for the world, for myself, for all the pain of everyone.... <sigh>

Time to do the dishes and sing I think.

[Mazarita]

Hi @MoonGal. I'm sitting here reading your post after having cried this morning. I used to cry a lot and it could go on for a long time. In those years of many tears there were wild mood swings too. These days I don't cry much. This change seems to be a combination of bipolar meds and a very much calmer life. This morning's cry has been a relief after a long time of not feeling the tears. I think in this case it's good that the river burst it banks just a bit. I agree that tears can be healing when they are not tsunamis. 

[MoonGal]

@Mazarita, I realised after I wrote this, that - the feelings, the tears actually came up because of a long post I had written this morning. I am so good at intellectualising, articulating, telling 'the story' (whatever day it is). of course, disclosing parts of my lived experience, no matter how clear I sound about it, of course that is picking scabs off psychic wounds.

Crying can be cathartic, I think (maybe?) when i put the brakes on, it is because perhaps I 'should' at that point, if I let the tidal wave go, I can come undone. Maybe 'undone' is what i need to be sometimes though... I am so done up. ha! 

I still have wild mood swings, any given day. Now I am not working I am not nearly so stressed though, its such ahuge relief not having to be 'on' , functioning, having it all together, but it also means I don't keep a tight lid on my states and I meander about, my boundaries blur. That is both a luxury and a curse.

[MoonGal]

maybe i am giving away too much of myself here....

[Appleblossom]

How long is a piece of string /// how much is it right to reveal ... are we sensitive if we cry a lot ////

are we sensitive to others or to our own states ??

Dear @MoonGal

I also have cried a lot

and intellectualised a lot

and even thought I was not a woman because I was cerebral ..

 but hey wait

I do have real feelings

I just havent indulged them in typical ways approved in patriarchal societies

I love reading your posts

so for me it is a positive

I often fell I have served up my soul to the world too

can I encourage the world to be a better place by sharing

I still try tho its probably a mad ideal

[Mazarita]

@MoonGal I don't feel like you have given too much away. But I understand that feeling. I often feel insecure about what I've written. I agree that crying can be cathartic. But my experience of it when I was crying rivers was that it seemed to be disturbing my moods and sending me into a spiral. Or perhaps it was the moods that were causing the frequency and intensity of crying? It's hard to answer these questions, isn't it? But the tears have dried up here for the most part, which may or may not be a good thing, that's probably why I felt relief from the tears this morning. I too am very 'buttoned up' in some ways these days after some wilder younger days. In my 50s, I'm not working and, like you, recognise blessing and curse aspects of this. Not sure what I'm saying really, just listening and relating to what you have written and wanting to share in return. 🙂

[MoonGal]

@Appleblossom & @Mazarita

What lovely women you are. Thank you.

I so relate, and resonate with much of what you both say.

Aren't we lucky to have a place to connect, and feel validated, valid.

Crying

the tears

fall and in falling

bring me down

until i float

and they lift me up

so i bob about

on a river of my own making.

drowning not waving in the waters of despair.

or

some days

rowing my boat on calm seas

and it is the sparkle of sunlight

refracted in the wavelets

that bring a tear to my eye

in joy

as the sun sinks on a good day.

and

we are all crying

and creating an ocean

sailing together,

masts up

sails full

of the wisdom of our years.

______________________

(c) Image and words MoonGal

[MoonGal]

@Appleblossom
"can I encourage the world to be a better place by sharing
I still try tho its probably a mad ideal"
yes...always worth trying it is love in action. And engenders Hope.

[Appleblossom]

your art is so bright and whimsical @MoonGal

def a cheery sight

Thank you

[Former-Member]

Hi @MoonGal
I don't cry and always try to put the breaks on those feelings as I'm sure it'll lead to me breaking down however irrational that is. I occasionally have let some tears out - something the psychologist is always telling me I need to do more of but have lived in a kind of ... Fear of my emotions and even challenge my right to feel stuff ... And it's hard to turn that off.

But overall rationally (lol) I think releasing tears is good for you 😉