Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Shaz51]

Hello Everyone

I have been writting this is another thread and I thought I would open a new thread to see if others feel the same way and what you do

Moderators let me know if it is ok to put here xx

Love to hear from others on the forum if you experience this

My hubby has been diagnosed with lots of things and has had MI all his life

do you find things goes ok and then i start to feel confident and wanting to go forward and then everytime something always happens to upset it

-- sometimes I think is it a controlling thing ?? that he wants to be in control ??

Don`t know if I am making this up , but i have that feeling ,

[Shaz51]

Hello @Determined

you wrote is very very true my friend

you wrote

I don't know why that question is so hard to answer but here are some thoughts for what they are worth:

The key thing is that I have to make a conscious effort not to get too confident or excited when things are going well and over commit myself (something I am prone to do).

Also to remember that it is the illness not my darling that is driving the behaviour and,  
While the behaviour often seems like a control issue I'm not convinced that the motivation is to control?
(At least in our case),

I often wonder if there may be a fear that if I am invested elsewhere, as naturally happens when things are going well, that I will not be there for support, due to my previously burying myself in work as a means of coping, not only with our situation (supporting the MI) but also the loss of my father. So when things are going well and I am starting to do more for myself it becomes an issue? 

I am dealing with that theory by working at rebuilding trust in this area that my darling is the most important thing in my life and my number 1 priority. When other things pop up I have had to learn to say NO! and not spread myself too thin while balancing the fact that it is reasonalbe for me to sometimes actually do somthing for myself.     

Hope that helps 🙂

[Shaz51]

Hello @Determined, @Former-Member

I hope you didn`t mind me coping your message over here

I am trying to find the right name for the heading

what you have said is soo true , and there would be a lot of others carers feel llike us

I love what you said I am dealing with that theory by working at rebuilding trust in this area that my darling is the most important thing in my life and my number 1 priority. When other things pop up I have had to learn to say NO! and not spread myself too thin while balancing the fact that it is reasonalbe for me to sometimes actually do somthing for myself.     

My mind is going a hundred miles an hour at the moment , I want to say sooo much

have to come back and write more

[Determined]

Hi @Shaz51

Perfectly happy for you to copy it across, I was abou to do the same myself you beat me 🙂

I have included my original response below

--------------------------

Reading your comments now this is how I often feel.

People often laugh when I say that the light at the end of the tunnel is likely a train but that is how it feels. Problem is I am always looking out for the train.

Re a control thing?

At least in our case I think that my darling is so used to the turmoil in her mind that she does not know what to do if things are ok.

I feel bad for thinking this, especially as my darling is so unwell at the moment but it is hard not to be a little resentful at times when I need to be happy and smiling all of the time for things to function but if there is any chance that I may be content then everything hits the fan again. 

So to answer your question, no I don’t think you are making it up. 

[Shaz51]

will be back @Determined 

hope you and your darling are ok xx, will be thinking of you

[Determined]

Hi @Shaz51

While your mind may be racing I trust it is in a good way and that this discussion has been of some benifit for you.

Best wishes

🙂

[Determined]

---

@Shaz51 wrote:

Hello @Determined, @Former-Member

I hope you didn`t mind me coping your message over here

I am trying to find the right name for the heading

 ____________________________________________________

Hi @Shaz51 how are you today. Trusting your mind has slowed down for you.

I've been thinking about your heading and based on my situation and feelings wondered about Why I worry when things go well Or something like that.

D 

[Former-Member]

Hi @Shaz51
I am not sure that I quite understand what you are asking. Can I rephrase it and ask you to clarify if I have it right - please let me know if I have misunderstood. This is what I think you are asking:
"Do you have times when things are starting to go well and then your partner does something that sets you back again? If so do you think it is deliberate and they are doing it as a form of control?"

Darcy

[Shaz51]

good morning @Former-Member xx

very tricky in writting down what I am thinking

you wrote ---"Do you have times when things are starting to go well and then your partner does something that sets you back again? If so do you think it is deliberate and they are doing it as a form of control?"

yes @Former-Member, that is it --- it started with this feeling I kept getting , but he does something that sets himself back as well as me

I got some messages from @Appleblossom, @Faith-and-Hope, @Former-Member, @Decadian, @PeppiPatty, @Determined on the other threads about it

Love to see what others think ??

@suzanne, @NikNik, @Lunar, @Pebbles, @Shimmer

[Former-Member]

Hi @Shaz51

I personally don't think that the need to control someone else is related to mental health.

I think that life in general throws up regular challenges and we can often feel it is two steps forward and one step back.

In saying that, I personally struggle if I feel that things in my own life are out of control especially if I feel that the situation could have been avoided. This is where mental illness can be a factor which is often not deliberate but can be. An example of this is if things go down hill if meds are not taken - reasons for this can be loss of insight, patient feeling a better and thinks they can do without, they are over it etc. The feelings we have about this are quite different if we know that our partners have taken their meds and relapse.

I don't think they are controlling as such, but there are things we can do to bring some form of control into our own lives and this is by having boundaries; they confer respect when they are set with consideration for the well being of both parties in the relationship. I don't really like the term and prefer to think of them as relationship rules that protect my heart. In the example given, one of my boundaries is that if Mr Darcy agrees to take a medication, I will dispense it (as per doc instruction) and that there will only be a change made in consultation with his pdoc. This is one of two boundaries I have that are not negotiable. Mr Darcy knows that this is in his best interest and that as his wife I will support him to be the best he can be.

To be able to let go of things I cannot change and to learn acceptance has been difficult for me but has also been liberating; this is an ongoing process.

Darcy