Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Faith-and-Hope]

hi @querentxyz

Even though you don't feel that you performed well in the interview, you are still sounding far more relaxed and calm, which is great .....

You have listed a lot of positives there .  Way to go ! 😊

[querentxyz]

Thanks Faith-and-Hope!!!! Yeah I am feeling a lot better now than I was a week or two ago!

I got a call today to say that I didn't get a job, but the recruiter said that although they had given it to someone else, that she had no doubt that I was more than capable of performing the role, and she would like to hold on to my details in case anything comes up in the next couple of months. She sounded genuinely regretful about not being able to offer me work. This has been a really positive experience. Group interviews are totally weird, I have never been in one before! But I would definitely handle it more confidently next time!

My previous workplace has an open door for me to go back whenever I want, my former manager there said I am very missed. I would rather go forward... but I don't think I have the energy to apply for a lot more jobs at the moment. Plus I am slowly running out of money... I may just go back to the former workplace until I finish my degree and I qualify for industry certification. I'll see what happens.

Last night I went to visit Mum to watch Origin 2 and we had a great evening! I was expecting her to be ranting angrily but I was amazed by how well she was doing! She said she had been for another counselling session. I am really pleased about this as in the past she has done a LOT better when having regular counselling. She was doing some angry ranting, but it was MUCH reduced, more like the way people without anger problems talk about their struggles. I was so impressed!!! She said that she wants me to have my own life in future, living in a place of my own, and that she wanted me to be able to see that she can manage her life and she will be fine living alone in future. Wow! I'm not sure if that's possible or not, but after last night it really seemed possible. She has said on another recent occasion that I have done a lot for her in my life, and that she wants me to have my own life in future.

Also, the cat was really excited and happy to see me, and that was really great! It was great to catch up with the cat and to know that she didn't forget me and we are still friends!

What I really want for Mum is for her to be BETTER than OK. I'm not leaving Mum living alone just because I can, and just because she will be OK. I feel like we have been through way too much hard work for that. The days surrounding when Mum was scheduled a few years ago were some of the most difficult days of my life, and I made a very very intense effort around those days to get her back into medical care of people who I felt confident would actually be able to take care of her competently. I was awake for like three days or something, making phone calls and just sitting up at night in case she woke up and freaked out. But that's just a part of the journey. I don't want to stop at self-sufficiency. I want to push and encourage Mum to have a good experience of life in her later years. It is a financial issue, it is an independent living issue, and it is a range of things to do with living in comfortable housing.

Part of the experience that Mum has been through with her recovery has involved legal proceedings against Church authorities. Part of Mum's problem is her inability to utter her perpetrator's name. She has a powerful psychological gag in place. She was also conditioned by the perpetrator regarding the word "secret" and ideas about secrecy; she has a terror of secrecy that compromises healthy relationship boundaries even though she believes in privacy. The intial legal proceedings, some years ago, further added to the problems with a silence order on Mum (which has now been declared inappropriate and obsolete). She is writing a memoir in order to share her experiences and to communicate the outcomes of her abuse to the public, but it is also about publicising the name of the person who perpetrated assaults on her, who remains interred in "consecrated ground" despite the exposure of the crimes. She needs my help to write this book. She has been trying for years but she has regularly set fire to her efforts. But now I have created a new system for her to make progress with this and she is actually succeeding in writing this material. She knows that it can never make her "normal" to do this, but she wants to do it for other reasons that are slightly more complex.

I want to help Mum with her dyscalculia, which is very related to her experiences of violence in childhood. I have been making computer tutorials for her to do, and her computer literacy is improving. But what I want to do is for her to be able to do simple mathematics. There are a lot of resources I have found that can help people with dyscalculia but I have not had time to engage with them yet and to get Mum working with numbers, but I'm sure she can do it.

It's not just about getting from day to day, it's about more than that. When she dies, I want her to die knowing that she was not entirely defeated, that she achieved despite the horrendous things that were done to her. I want her to die feeling that life turned out OK, there was redemption, all of her suffering was not all for nothing, she was able to get her voice back and use her voice, she was not silenced and the crimes done on her were not forgotten. The idea that she would die without achieving those things is not acceptable to me. I have my own goals in life, things that are part of my own sense of my own self and things that I want to achieve for my self and my beliefs about my place in the world, in order to make my own life meaingful to me. But I also feel that if I can help Mum with these matters that are so important to her, that I will have achieved something important with my life, that I will have helped to make something right that was wrong in the world, that I will have helped to make the world just a little bit more just and fair place.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Wow @querentxyz

So much going on there ...... so much to report ...... and so positive for the main part  ❣

You must be walking on air.

Say hello to your cat from me 😊

The most poignant part of what you have written is the last long paragraph ...... that is so beautiful, intense, and I think necessary for both of you.  What a tragic circumstance, and you are both finding a way to turn it into something powerful - answering back with a loud voice to say that none of this was okay, and you have made something of it, and yourselves in the process ......

I hope for your continued journey healing, more happiness along the way, and the continuing sense of achievement in this task.

💜🌷

[querentxyz]

Feels weird. I am just really used to doing everything for Mum. It was a huge surprise to visit her and discover that she is not having a meltdown in my absence and that her emotions seemed so under control, because I am so used to her yelling and crying. I don't think I have ever seen her so comfortable and at ease. After we watched the footy she was like "Well, I'm going to bed now! Good night!" and I heard her snoring after about ten minutes. She has had a pattern of bad sleep in the past so it was really weird that she fell asleep so easily. It seems like I really could have my own life in future. It makes me feel a bit dazed because things have been a certain way for so long that I had got used to planning my life around her but now I think, maybe it won't really be necessary. Maybe we had come further than I thought without my notice. Then you realise that suddenly, there's all this other stuff I could do. I had really stopped thinking that I would be able to have my own life, I had gotten used to stealing time for myself. Maybe I won't be stealing time as much anymore in future.

[Faith-and-Hope]

That sounds quite awesome @querentxyz ❣

[querentxyz]

While I'm here it's like I'm discovering who I am!

I realised how much I love music, writing and drawing. I learned piano for 12 years and I knew how much I loved it, but this is a different sort of thing... I realise that it's all who I am, I realise how important it is to me. I have a piano accordion that was recently given to me by an uncle, and I have been sort of meaning to play it... but now I realise that it is really important that I play it. Its not just a hobby, it's something that I have to do. When I get a new job and some money I think I might get some singing lessons. I actually love singing.

I realised that for me when I'm writing, drawing, singing, or making music, I think it's similar for me to what people who are religious feel when they are communing with their divine in prayer or worship. I guess in a way that I lose myself, but not in a terrifying way, more in a way of oneness, of being part of something bigger than myself... and I realise that it is just the joy of my life to do this. I can't really put it aside, I really need to pursue it. I mean, not as paid employment or as a career... but as the thing that makes me who I am and gives my life meaning.

When my aunt was dying she told me about how when she went surfing. I was so surprised, I could not believe it! My aunt was a country girl, and something of a beauty queen, and I never would have imagined her on a surf board! She asked me, would I like to go surfing one day? But I know what she means now... you have to really "seize the day", you have to get out and "do things". Life is short and you have to try to reach out for the magic of your dreams, or else you really could lose yourself, but in the bad way. That's just what I think

[Faith-and-Hope]

That is awesome @querentxyz ❣

What a difference a couple of weeks out on your own have made, not only for you, but also for your mother ..... she may have realised that she had become so emotionally dependent on you that it was keeping you from developing your own life ..... it can happen so slowly and sneakily ..... without that being the intended outcome.

And you can, and do, still love and support each other this way too.

🌷

[Janna]

I'd like to begin by saying that you supporting your mother through the highs and lows of her problems is commendable.  Not everyone has the capacity to do this.  From what I understand your mother is an adult survivor of childhood trauma and abuse and has been diagnosed with PTSD and bipolar.  Childhood trauma and abuse usually manifests itself in what many clinicians call Complex-PTSD (C-PTSD), the symptoms of which are very similar to PTSD.  I am familiar with this because I myself have been diagnosed with C-PTSD due to a childhood that involved repeated trauma and abuse for many years.  As an adult I have had issues with emotional dysregulation, substance abuse and anxiety/panic attacks.  I've worked long and hard with a psychologist for several years in addressing these issues and am happy to say that I am now in a healthy psychological/emotional place.  One of the organisations that helped me was the Blue Knot Foundation (formely known as ASCA - Adult Survivors of Childhood Abuse).  They have a telephone counselling service that not only serves victims, but relatives/friends of victims. Their knowledge on the subject of complex trauma is second to none and their website also has some great resources.  Just thought I'd share this with you incase you were not aware of them.  Here is the link http://www.blueknot.org.au

There are also some great books dedicated to the effects of trauma on individuals that you may wish to read to increase your knowledge and understanding.  The two I can highly recommend are Complex PTSD - From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker and fundamentally anything written by Professor Bessel Van der Kolk.  You can also find further info via these websites:  http://pete-walker.com  and http://www.traumacenter.org/about/about_bessel.php  

Even though you are not the victim, you are being impacted by someone who is suffering with the effects of past trauma and understanding of the subject will help you better understand your mother.  Not sure if your mother would be open to reading, but Pete Walker's book would be of great benefit to her.  

So happy to hear that you are finding some solace via your creative pursuits.  Creativity is a great way of self-caring, self-soothing and increasing self-awareness.  Keep up the great work and all the best.

Janna ❤️

[querentxyz]

Dear @Janna

Thank you very much for your message and your understanding,

I would like to tell you how special you are for persisting with your journey in these things and I would like to say that I think that words like "hero" and "champion" are the most appropriate words to describe people who persist in moving past these difficulties. And I would like to congratulate you on your achievements and the place that you have reached, and I want to express my hope that you will enjoy your life and that your being will thrive.

Thank you for directing me towards those resources. Yes, what you have said rings very true. Part of what I am going through right now with my self is a redefinition of who I am not just as my self but also as a person who is relating to someone who has been through these things. At the moment, my process is slightly all over the place! I know all the things that I need to do, but I don't know exactly where to start! So your suggestions of resources is kind of like when someone is going through a very hard time, and their neighbour cooks dinner for them and leaves it outside their front door. Except it is better than that, but that is my best way of putting it.

Thank you very much ❤️

[querentxyz]

I just want to say that I am very grateful for all of the help, sympathy, and support expressed towards me by members of this forum. Thank you so much! It is so difficult to get out of bed, every single day. Sometimes it seems like the world is just full of people who are cruel! Then when you come to a place like this you realise that there are big hearted people in this world who are truly kind, and it gives you heart to keep doing what you need to do. What would our world be, without people like you.