Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[summer]

Hi @BlueBay,

Sorry to hear your story. I understand how feel about your mother in law. I am Vietnam and our cultural similar with your husband background. We don't live seperate with them even after married. Please be strong and hope thing will doing well.

[BlueBay]

It's been a month this Friday that my MIL is in a nursing home.  Her dementia is not good at all, seems very confused and agitated.  

I find that I struggle when I go in and see her, always leaving with tears.  My husband, I feel is struggling but he never says anything.  He justs says 'its for the best'.  But he never sits and actually talks to me about how he is feeling with all of this.

I guess we are all grieving that she is no longer at home with us.  I think the kids are adjusting okay, it doesn't seem to bother them so much.  They do visit but not regularly as they work and one is at uni.

It is a huge responsibility to visit each weekend.  I don't go during the week as I work but hubby goes in when he finishes work.  But I know that he prefers to go in with someone and not on his own.  I feel that now our weekends are taken up on driving 45mins to see her and then staying for a while then driving back home.  

It's such a huge burden but it is not nice to say things like this.  I guess it's just hard to deal with.

[Appleblossom]

I think you have probably done a lot for your MIL and are more expressive with your feelings than your hubby.  Its probably best that he is taking it calmly but is a devoted enough son to visit regularly.  The degree of regularity is up to you.  It wouldnt hurt if sometimes it was fortnightly and you spent alternate weekends at home. Of course we like company when doing tough things, but he can probably cope as you have stood beside him a lot. Assert and meet your own needs too.

I visited my mother fortnightly, sometimes weekly when I could manage it.  I wasnt confident of driving and she was an hour drive.  She also had me stay over a few nights, which I liked.  It was just quiet and cosy and we help hands through the night.  You can only do what you can honestly do.  Feeling forced in family doesnt always generate the best outcomes.