Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Bluebird15]

Hi all,
I'm so sorry I haven't checked in for a couple of months, but I think of this community often..
Am also sorry if I'm in the wrong 'spot' - if so, maybe someone can re-direct me ? I'm not a full time carer but I'm a sister with a brother who I care for who has major depression and has been confiding in me more and more. Some of you already know my story from previous posts..
My gosh, early this morning I came off a 3 hour phone call to him. He's on such a low. It's been triggered by his appointment with his psychiatrist and compounded by a disagreement with my dad.
I wish so much that he'd speak with a psychologist. I'm a 'listening ear' but hen he's like this, I can only offer basic advice - I don't have the skills or training for more.
I know he knows that but he probably just venting but the amount of stuff he was telling me was mind blowing and overwhelming. Negative stuff from past, present and future.
I have been trying (along with his psych ) to get him to talk to a professional but of course he's just not keen.
He's 'off' his phych as he challenges him and he does not like that. Psych has a very direct manner and as my brother says, not much empathy. Surely there are ways to encourage someone to expand their life without making, as my brother puts it, guilty, pathetic, like a burden on others and the list goes on...
He's envious of my life as his is just so opposite. I'm blessed with a great life but it hurts when I ge tells me how 'sick' he feels when he hears that we are going on a family holiday or anything. I usually don't tell him highlights of my life for fear of making him feel bad...

My brain is scrambled as he's off loaded to me . I don't know how else to help. He doesn't see much hope for his future. He's angry and defeated.
He's in a lot of physical pain too due to chronic illness.

I know my priority is my own kids and husband but I can't help but want to help even if it's offering a ear to listen but this negativity is starting to really affect me.

So sorry for rambling however I have found the responses from the lovely people from this community really helpful in the past.

From Bluebird

[Former-Member]

I wish I had a sister like you bluebird.I have severe depression and can't deal with the past,present or future.As someone who has been through "help",I suggest your brother finds the right help for himself.I cannot tell you how many times I have trusted myself to "professionals"who are useless to me.I saw a psychologist last week who I have made the decision not to return to.My psychologist challenges my thoughts,but there is judgementalism in it as well,which can do more harm than good.

I have no answers for you as how you describe your brother ,in many ways you describe me.I can't stand to hear what others have got,their good fortune etc,I am angry and defeated,full of hopelessness and this week strong SC thoughts.

However,as someone who cares for a elderly mother who gets me down,because you put the responsibility on yourself II can understand how it affects you.All I can say is try to be there but don't give up time for you and your family as looking after yourself is important.There is only so much you can do and I have struggled with depression for a long time.It's not for me but there are groups such as GROW or maybe there are other forms of mental health assistance around you.Maybe find some interest or hobbies for your brother as too much time on our hands can be detrimental.

[Bluebird15]

Hi Li1,
Firstly, thanks so much for taking the time to respond to my post and for your insight.

I am saddened to read about how you're feeling and the 'help' you've seeked so far hasn't been the right fit for you. I admire anyone who suffers from depression to take the hard step to seek help. As I'm finding out- it's not always easy.

Yes, when I wrote my original post, I was exhausted and upset from my brother's phone call. I realise that there is not always an answer, however getting support and insight from here was been valuable to me.

I just feel so helpless and so sad for his situation and my parents situation who care for him. He believes he can't handle any work and hasn't worked for years. Ok the positive side, when he feels ok mentally , physically he is very good with fixing things/computers etc.
yes, we are trying hard to get him to one of those groups. He is reluctant.
Do you mind if I ask you why they aren't for you?

You deserve a medal for caring for your mum, and struggling with depression.
Again, thanks so much for responding .

Take care,
Bluebird
Ps. That's a cute cat pic!

[Former-Member]

Bluebird

I have been unemployed for four to five years,long story but I was one who never missed a day's work until I had issues in life which made me very tired,didn't know what I had and it got worse.I got help in 2013 and there are many times when I wish I didn't because life got worse,not better and you believe the crap these so called professionals put in your head that things will be "OK",I no longer believe that.Last week the psychologist said I do nothing to change my life.I nearly choked,I sold the family farm on the encouragement of a mental health nurse, and nothing went right,and my life got worse.I realise this isn't help.I don't like groups for several reasons,I like to go out and not have the stigma of mental illness,besides this group I am a private person these days,and I avoid people I know due to being ashamed and don't like person questions such as where are you working".At the moment,the depression I have is making me very withdrawn, haven't gone shopping this week because of my state and don't want to see anyone.

I can understand,the pressure of my mother gets to me.If your brother doesn't want to go to these groups,respect his decision.One thing I know about myself is if I'm going to do anything,I have to want to do it.Im being made to go to a job provider after a 10 month process of medical certificates.If they make me do anything like volunteering,I will be forced off it.I don't want to do it.They would had been better off letting me stay on medical certificates with me still applying for jobs than putting this pressure on me that I know I can't take.Your brother is lucky to have your parents and you.I am thinking of starting my own cleaning business,is there any way your brother can-do the same?Maybe the Men's Shed?,where he can feel normal.I could think of nothing worse than going to a group with 20 other sad sacks like me.I think you need to feel normal.I left a mental health nurse after 3 years because the doctor read back his notes of how I "lacked intimate relationships",I heard this from a doctor previously ,he must had wrote it on every session.Being a Freudian w***** isn't help and I will never get over how it hurt me when I put my trust into this so called professional.I thought a lot of him,now he disgust me and I feel I was conned.Try to look at your brother's situation from a holistic perspective.I no longer have faith in the counseling process.Your brother's best treatment is the support of his family and his attributes such as fixing things.At the end of the day your actions are genuine,these professionals only care about their Ego's and pay packet.

[Appleblossom]

@Bluebird15 Just echo @Former-Member that your actions are genuine .. and that really counts.. but do a bit of research so that you dont suffer burn out or compassion fatigue.

I hear you too @Former-Member 

In my understanding a KEY component of a therapuetic relationship .. is to build up that trust FIRST ... thought challenging only really works  .. if trust is established and maintained. Its not a thoughtless egoistic goto .. when a MH worker cant be bothered to consider context full and empathise ..

No easy answers in this field .. it is tough

[Bluebird15]

Hi @Former-Member,
Thanks again for sharing your experiences.
I guess I'm placing a lot of hope on the counselling process, as it seems like this option is all we have.
It feels like we just getting dead ends when trying to help him.
My parents can't support him forever - they are in their 70's. He is well aware of this has has sent his anxiety into overdrive when his psych brings this up. I live 2 hours away from them and it's not like I can pitch in.

Again I'm sorry to read about your circumstances lately - wishing you the very best .
BB

[Bluebird15]

Hi Appleblossom
Thank you for your post. You're right- no easy answers.
I wonder if their are any true stories out there of people benefitting from counselling after a strong reluctance to go at all.
I'm trying to keep the faith with it all.

Thanks so much again
BB

[Former-Member]

Thanks for your feedback Appleblossum and Bluebird15. I think I'm just sick of the hopelessness of it all.I don't want to explain myself to anyone anymore,it's for nothing but being vulnerable to another idiot.Can feel for your situation Bluebird15 with aging parents.Sometimes there is only so much anyone can do.

[Determined]

Hi @Bluebird15

I believe that my wife has benefited greatly from counselling but more importantly group classes. Problem is she can't always see the benefit. All she can see is the travel and the $. In our case it has been a case of persevere and eventually something clicks. 

I have often felt frustrated that my wife isn't 'trying harder' or following through on strategies from therapy sessions but the reality is that she is trying and doing the best she can. All I can do is encourage her to keep trying and be there for her. It would be so much harder for you being so far away and having your own family to look after. Most importantly your immediate family must come first you can't do both effectively and remain well yourself, someone will always end up feeling left out and cheated 😞 (my experience)

The last time we saw success for my wife it was half way through a second back to back 6 or 8 week course (group class) before I noticed a glimpse of my darling returning. By the the end of that course she was doing really well, so well in fact we ended up with another baby (surprise ) the hardest part is that she could not see the benefit then of even now on reflection even though we had 2 fantastic years (things are not good at the moment 😞 )  

the hard part for my darling is always getting started and persevering.  For me, supporting and encouraging without it being perceived as controlling or forcing her to do something this only results in pushbacks and further lack of interest.

Themost important thing I have found (for me as well as my wife) is don't be afraid to find a new councillor if it is not working. My wife stuck with someone for far too long before  changing and I gave up and refused to talk to anyone after the first tosser upset me. (My issues are around being a carer and burnout around trying to do too much for too many people and nothing for my self, my wife has BPD and major depression) the biggy for me is remaining ovjective and giving it a faid go first before writing someone off as useless.

I trust this has been of some help for you and that things improve for you soon. Happy to answer any questions. I realy feel for you at the moment as I have been in a position of having to support a family member (parent) at the cost of my own family. Family is family though and we do what we think is right at the time so I admire you for seeking help to get through this 😊

All the best

[Bluebird15]

Hello @Determined,

Firstly, I'd like to thank you immensely for your response.
I really needed to hear a positive story about the help one has seeked out.
And after seeing how hard it is for someone to make that decision - credit to your wife for sticking at it.
I don't know if my brother will ever go. I know I can't make him, and I don't know how much encouraging he'll handle until he starts to dig his heels in.
I guess I'm in the midst of coming to terms with a lot at the moment. I'm trying to learn some acceptance about the whole situation but I'm really struggling.
I just want to help where I can and take some of the stress off my parents (who, by the way,are absolute troopers) but I really feel for them and worry for their well being too.
I know there are no easy answers here.

How do you keep your feeling and emotions in check? You've got a young child too (or more?) . How do you stay 'present' with them when you're worrying about your loved one??

I was so glad to read your wife benefited from therapy. I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch though.

Once again, a big 'thank you' for taking the time to respond.
Wishing you all the best.
BB.