A dark cloud continually consumes and plagues my thoughts day and night. I wake exhausted feeling I’m on the verge of going insane. My palms are sweaty, my head is oppressed and I can’t sleep. I’m taking medication every morning just to get out of bed and function. I feel numb, helpless and most of all HOPELESS. I battle this anxiety in private, not my closest friends, family or work colleagues would have any idea, or at least be aware of the extent. I want this pain to end, I want to escape and rise above it all, but I can’t see the future. I can’t make it go away. I’m mentally and physically fatigued as I cry in private day and night for the mental anguish to be removed. My thoughts drift into dark places where I grapple with ways of “escaping”, although praying for the strength not to follow through.
This was my personal and private battle in the peak of my anxiety over a 5-year period that was triggered by an event I witnessed on a flight to Bali. It flicked a switch which took me a long time to get control of and conquer. My anxiety grew from being situational (flight related) to anxiety in confined spaces, to agoraphobia and…. well…. to the point where I lived in complete gripped fear if I wasn’t at “home base”. The anxiety developed in to panic attacks which I would have to face continuously daily. I was paralysed and bounded by the mental torment. Perhaps this is you today, suffering in silence.
It came to a point where I had to make a choice. I could have very easily been totally consumed by the anxiety, fear and panic attacks. Either take action and fight it or live in a medicated cocoon for the rest of my life….. I chose to fight.
I’m writing this “testimonial” to share my story but most of all to tell others out there who may be experiencing the same, that there is HOPE for full and utter restoration and to live a life free of anxiety. I’m writing this to you now 37,000ft in the air on my second-long haul flight from Australia to USA, and I live in complete freedom of my past as it does not have to dictate your or my future. On top of this I undertake work in an underground mine and work in some of the most remote places in Australia.
Although in the pit of darkness everything seems helpless and hopeless, and I was unable to think rationally and logically, it is important to hold on to this: that there is an amazing and bright future on the other side of this “giant” in front of you. The “giant” is no more than an annoying pest, which although the symptoms may present themselves physically, it is not real and it can be controlled, it’s just annoying and uncomfortable.
I want to share some tips and thoughts that enabled me to manage and overcome my anxiety and panic attacks. I am not a trained psychologist, but rather the tips below come from my learnings and therapy as I walked through my journey of anxiety. I share these in the hope it can assist others.
Tip 1: Professional help:
I saw a professional psychologist who specialized in this area. Let’s call him “John”. John journeyed with me for 3 years of my battle and transformed my life. There is no shame in seeking professional help, forget the stigma that you might associate with it. John was able to impart logical and rational thinking when I couldn’t. Most, if not all of the following tips are from John’s well of wisdom. Find those close family or friends to confide in, don’t battle alone. Be wise with whom you trust, for me this was my amazing father, who was a constant rock during my storm.
Tip 2: Avoid Avoidance:
Don’t let the anxiety push you back into your “safe” place (which for me was home). My mantra was “avoid avoidance”. Keep facing your fears, step by step, seek out opportunities to push yourself. As you continue to conquer your anxiety / fear, the hold will reduce and instead of the event being a trigger for fear, rather the event will be a trigger for you to see how far you have come. Don't stay comfortable (in your created cocoon or routine of protection), push forward.
Tip 3: Breathing is your anchor:
There is a specific way of breathing that helps regulate the body, and with this it is physically impossible to have panic attacks. I’d recommend downloading from iTunes a gentleman called Gay Hendricks Ph. D titled “fly without fear”. The breathing practices (deep circular breathing) that he teaches can apply to any type of anxiety, but it will set you free. You can control your anxiety in any situation. The 2 “chapters” that most impacted me was “Breathing: Your Tool to Complete Freedom from Fear of Flying” and “Exercise: the reset button”.
Tip 4: Thought replacement:
Now with you breathing anchor, you can control the anxiety / panic attacks but the thoughts still come flooding in, like waves on an ocean. That’s ok, let them come, don’t beat yourself up for having them, because the more you punish yourself the worse they will get. Observe them, acknowledge them, “oh yeah there is that “trapped” fear again….”, but the key is to not let it “nest” like a bird. Observe them but don’t let them take hold. They will come and go like waves on an ocean and eventually as you continue to apply these techniques their frequency will become less and less. Remember these thoughts or physical symptoms can’t hurt you, they are not real, they are just uncomfortable and annoying. Choose to instead have a peaceful and enjoyable “event” (whatever your anxiety trigger may be – which for me was mainly flying). When those thoughts do come, replace them with something positive that makes you happy. For me this was our fondest snow adventures which I would conjure up in my imagination to offset the other thoughts.
Tip 5: Keep a list of your conquests:
Keep a list of all the things you have conquered. As you step out and avoid avoidance, make a note, even if its small. This is a reminder of how far you have come. You may feel at times that you have slipped up, or the anxiety may have got the better of you in a particular situation. It did for me many times, I had one such event where I could not board a flight and had to lie to my colleagues that I had the flu and go home as we were boarding! That’s OK! The key is to keep moving forward step by step and you will soon find yourself taking larger and larger steps and before you know it you start to live in freedom. I also wrote all the reasons I needed to push through – my kids, to enjoy travel again, live a happy and adventures life etc etc. Since writing this my family and I have relocated to America to pursue our dream of international work and living. I could never have seen this in my future a year ago. It is possible to “redirect your thinking”. Id also recommend watching Redesign my brain by Todd Sampson on abc1.
Tip 6: Rehearse how you want to experience it:
Rehearse your feared activity the way you want to experience it. For me, as mine was specifically flight related initially, I rehearsed going on a plane or underground with a sense of excitement and adventure performing how you want I wanted to experience it for 5-10 minutes per day every day for a week leading up to the event. It's about being the person you want to be. Do it the way u want to experience it. Obviously, you can apply this to any situation.
Tip 7: Break the situation up:
Break the situation up into pieces, so doesn’t seem so overwhelming. For me, if I had to do numerous flights and remote visits plus underground work in say a 3-day trip, it can all accumulate into an overwhelming mass of stuff I couldn’t face. However instead, break the trip up into pieces and face them one by one, such as – flight to site – remote travel – going underground – return remote travel – flying home. Five events handled separately.
Tip 8: its ok and no shame in medication:
I used that for a period when I needed it (properly prescribed by my Doctor) until I could get it under control. For a time after that I still carried it with me as a “security blanket” until I had the confidence to live without it.
For me, my greatest anchor was my faith in the Lord Jesus Christ. Whether you are a believer or not, the power in the tips noted above are not diminished. For me my faith provided a source of strength, provided perspective on why I may have experienced what I experienced and eventually strengthened my relationship and trust in Jesus.
There was a sermon that one of my Pastors (Matt Stevenson) preached on 9 February 2014 during our “strong and courageous” theme on “Courage beyond our fears”. It completely changed my perspective and set me on a path of freedom. It can be obtained from Edge Church (https://edgechurch.com/). I recommend getting it.
Freedom of your anxiety, may not happen immediately, it didn’t for me and that’s ok, although I believe God can work in those ways. However, for me it was a time of stripping away the focus on me and truly trusting him. I’m reminded of the story of Job. The fruit I have seen since doing that is phenomenal.
My aim was not to depend always on medication, although that may be necessary for some people. But my goal now is to live in freedom. Right now does not define your future. Just because you can't see change doesn't mean God isn't working behind the scenes.
To take some words from an amazing song ‘Oceans’ by Hillsong Church:
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now
These words resonate with me so much. We may not understand the reasons why we experience this, and we may never know, but we are not defined by our past -- we can trust God.
For those out there that also share a faith, here are some verses that bought me great comfort:
- For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” (2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV)
- So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you.” (Deuteronomy 31:6 NLT)
- I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.So, we can say with confidence, The Lord is my helper, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me? (Hebrews 13 v 5-6)
I hope my story and tips can bring some peace and comfort in your situation right now. Hold on to hope, avoid avoidance and see control and breakthrough in your anxiety. A wise person once told me that “fear tolerated is Faith contaminated”. You have the anchor now with these tips, step out and trust GOD.
Thank you for sharing you story of victory in the face on anxiety - this is such an inspiring post! You are right - even when things feel so hopeless and despairing, life can turn around - Hope can win!
