Lived Experience Forum

[Bast]

The horror prevails, there is nothing at all to hang onto. So many times I think about just lettng go, the dark slimy cliff is reaaly not worth hanging onto any more. I simply do not know the reason to keep on going. It is way too hard and I cannot deal with much more. I am so afraid of letting it show. The conciliation is getting closer, I will have to prepare. I have endeavoured to seal the 5 months of work torture in order to keep on functioing. 

I do not want to take the lid off  - too much pain and fear will be devastating. And yet I keep on going, I just do not understand why. I am doing better, or I was, the new meds seem to be rocking me downwards again - at least the standard payback for improvement has eased - gotta love anxiety.

I just want peace, a good place to work and an OK life - surely not too much to ask for. I have been for an inberview for a counselling role and did OK, I have another 2 interviews to go - what the+++

I am now writing this with baby girl stomping on my head, she is just so beautiful and has been my rescue ever since she was only a little wonder cat at 4 weeks of age. It is so wonderful to save a life.

I so much miss Bast - we are so lost without him. Odin is lovely and now weighs in at a healthy 6kg. I think my new meds are actually making me feel sadder or is it the imminent hearing that is really the cause. I am uncertain, however the timing suggests the meds. I just want my doona to be my friend and to be allowed to cry with TB.

With much love and thoughts

Bast (in loving memory) and Odin

[BambiFawn]

Hey @Bast, I feel for you sweetie .  I've been there and most of us here have.  Hope you get some more smooches from your cat and feel better soon.

.  

[Former-Member]

Hi @Bast

The way you are feeling presently is typical of how new meds make us feel at first, worse, until they are fully in our system. Then they can start working their magic. Hang in there. It can be rough going at first.

I can resonate with what you said about just wanting peace and an okay life. I felt that way for so long -- now after many years of long suffering change is happening and the tide is starting to turn. I nearly gave up, so glad I did not. Hang in there my friend as tomorrow is a new day. Hold onto hope.

Hoping you receive good news on the counselling job and all turns out okay with the conciliation. Please let us know how it all goes. Sending a warm hug 🤗 

[Queenie]

Hello @Bast, I'm sorry to hear you have a bit of a pressure cooker of feelings and emotion building up, especially with the conciliation hearing being imminent. This alone would be enough to knock even the strongest person off their stable platform, let alone adding in the mixture of new medications. I've found new medications often have the horrible side effect of making you feel worse before you feel better, strange isn't it? 

Your baby Wonder Cat and Odin sound just so lovely. Cats are so intelligent, they know when we need them the most. I am glad they are your rescue. 

Sending you warmth and gentle thoughts. Be kind to yourself.

Q 

[utopia]

@Bast. I too sunk liw into depression and anxiety waiting for my conciliation hearing. It really wears you down. Considering the circumstances, you are doing really well.
Keep your focus on what needs doing and what you enjoy - looking after Odin and your other babies. They will help see you through this tough time.

[Bast]

@utopia@Queenie@Former-Member@BambiFawn@Former-Member@Faith-and-Hope

Hi all

Many thanks for hearing/reading me. Your responses are keeping me going as is my ability to write. I am now surfing the scum, flotsam and jetsom in my mind because of the work abuse and what I will have to face at conciliation. I honestly want to drown rather than think about it, talk about it or have anything to do with the pollution. 

I am so afraid of having to do this. And yes maybe the meds are rocking my world, however I am certain that somehow contending with everything that I have submerged is utterly terrrifying. It is so much akin to break or make and I am scared.

I know that I am fortunate in so many ways - and it it Ok to express emotions (sound client therapeutic emphasis) It is so horrid that my sadness is growing again so like a suffocating starfish.

I also know that no matter what I am feeling there is no escape.

The HB is needing me again as his Fa loses his grip, I will always try to help - he acknowedleges this when necessary. Why - I provide therapy all day and come home and provide more. 

I simply do not know what to do. I care, however it is subsumed. 

I know that I will have to address this although I have the why bothers big time. 

Baby girl will always be loved, as will everyone else.

Regards and thank you (Bast in loving memory) and Odin

[Former-Member]

Hi @Bast - You can rise above the chaos. The conciliation will be difficult but ultimately necessary to allow you to move on. As one who has been through the process being prepared will make everything so much easier. Document everything including writing down word for word what you need to communicate. If you have the words in front of you backed up by documented evidence you'll find it so much easier to articulate. Just remember to take your time and pause before saying anything. There's no rush. I'm happy to help you out in any way I can. You know you have the support and best wishes of others so please take that on board and use the power of truth to your advantage. You need to do this to move on - being stuck in limbo is no way to live and people need to be held to account for their behaviour. Take care and know that you've got my support and the support of everyone here.

[utopia]

@Bast. You can get through this tough period. Once the conciliation hearing is done - the weight will be lifted off your shoulders.
Thinking of you.

[Bast]

@utopia@Former-Member

Hi I am in so many ways relieved by your support and understanding of how difficult this is. And you are both so right I need to contend with it in order to make it stop and recover from the workp;ace abuse that hangs around my neck. Dugga I have certainly adopted your advice, preparation is everything. I have set aside next Saturday to work through the nightmare and horror. I am just so frightened of facing it and the resulting psychological issues. I have managed to deny and submerge throughout this year. The word "truth"really matters to me as I have briefly scanned some of the reports. It is amazing that this organsiation was so supportive and caring. NOT. 

It is helpful and useful that the manager has recyled another report regarding the 6 people who have been targeted, I am now an ATSI worker according to his documentation. I worked with her, adored her and knew exactly what she was also experiencing - all 6 have disclosed the same maltreatment. She was the only person who had the guts to stand up for another - as a result targeted.

Pathetic really when you actually think about it. When HR is so far up the A.....  that the report actually states the same. 

I know that the reviewing and reporting will be chalenging and as per your advice I will prepare an evidenced based report in advance - I have pretty well everything in hard copy, emails and dates included. 

I know I have to get to the point of self belief and "just bring it on"far out this is hard. All I want to do is hide and continue with my special friendship with my doona and TB. 

Maybe I will take them with me to the hearing - a good look!

I have fought for my privacy throughout all of the PH employment and consistantly experienced denigration and discrimination due to my MH - this is not OK

I am although going to be fighting with an autocratic organsiation, the policies never ever matched the reality.

Please continue to support me - I so appreciate it and need it.

Regards and thank you

Bast (in loving memory) and Odin

[utopia]

@Bast. Of course you have my full support. Always. Yes policies in workplaces that are meant to protect workers, are not worth the paper they are written on. Unfortunately a few of us have learnt this the hard way.
But you stick to your guns. You fight their lies. Their mistreatment. Don't give up. It will all be over soon and then you can start afresh.