anRe: A long rave

[Zoe7]

Wow that is some tough stuff to hear @eth but it is also good that you have that strong bond with your brother and he is able to talk to you about these things. That certainly does not make it easier to hear but everyone has their own version of things and knowing your brother's gives you insight both into how he has been affected as well as filling in some gaps for you. Really tough stuff eth so be kind to yourself now 

[Sophie1]

@eth  please be kind and gentle to yourself that's a massive information load to take in ... my mum is BPD and she will never remember things the same way the rest of us do ... esp the difficult rage times .. my partner told me to go easier on her for this and have some more compassion - my partner thought it was unfair to expect mum to remember it any other way as chemicals and brains and memories are not really in our control like that - she did the best she could and loves me now and that's all that matters ... we all do the best we can ... thinking of it like this helped me to forgive her and let go of stupidness of expexting her to see it any other way than the way she experienced - she can't really imagine it any other way - for her the emotions were off the scale during those episodes and it's like we were in totally different worlds in those times 

in my utopia world mum would take a level of responsibility  and apologise for the hurtful things she did and said in those rages and that she wasn't aware of herself and didn't mean them ... hearing that would mean the world to me - but it will never happen - she laid those memories down in concrete and they set in her brains mould - I don't think she would ever believe the words even if she said them 

I am coming to terms with that and it really is just reality of not sharing a brain ha ha - so maybe that's ok 

[Former-Member]

Hi @eth thinking of you and sending love 💕 

[eth]

Thanks all for replying so thoughtfully @Appleblossom @Zoe7 @Sophie1 @Former-Member 

I've taken a prn and will go lie down for a bit shortly.  Just want some time out from it all.  Thanks so much for understanding @Sophie1  Believe me I have apologised, taken responsibity, and conceded to the others' memories over and over through the years.  It just floored me to have so much 'new' information to process in one hit.  Makes me very sad about what I put my brother through.  I guess I've been more focussed on reconciliation with my adult child than anyone else.

I'll be back later this afternoon.

[Former-Member]

I hope you enjoy your rest @eth and feel stronger later 💜

[Zoe7]

That is understamdable @eth Take the time now you need for yourself because despite all this new information and your brother's feelings and experiences you also need to look after you now Ho. Hugs and hugs 

[frog]

Hey @eth I'm a day behind at least but wanted to say that I'm glad your new psych seems promising. I was really interested in what she said about: even the ideation can create trauma in us. I'd never considered that, but I think there's something in it. I'm not keen to ruminate, but worth acknowledging.

[Adge]

Hi everyone.

I just received an RAC Severe (Red) Weather Alert.

Heavy rain, Hail, & damaging Winds - it's coming in about 30 minutes time.

I can hear the Thunder already....

Wish me Luck...

Hail is very Rare here, I might add - I've not seen any Hail in about 15 years.

Adge

[eth]

Hi and good morning @Adge @Mazarita @frog @Zoe7 @Former-Member  and anyone else passing by here today.

Hello all of you who've tagged me over the last few days @Angels333 @MDT @Shaz51 @Judi9877 @Sans911 @Maggie @Former-Member @Molliex @Appleblossom @frog @Eve7 @Sophie1 

and hello also to @CheerBear @greenpea @TAB @Exoplanet @Faith-and-Hope @outlander @Snowie @NatureLover @Former-Member @saltandpepper @Former-Member @Gazza75 @BlueBay @Owlunar  and anyone here I've missed tagging - sorry if I have.

I've been absent for a few days again as I've been swamped by off-line challenges and had a bit of a delayed reaction to some very hard conversations with my brother, whose backyard I live in.  Partly about more details and stories of things I did or didn't do when I was extremely unwell.  Some of which I have absolutely no recollection of and some of which happened when I was in manic psychosis and immense post-trauma reaction periods so my memories are partly of delusions that were very real for me at the time and very patchy due to repeated shocks.  Very hard to hear.  Lots of shame, guilt and sadness for what I put my family through.  And in the midst of all those feelings the need to listen attentively and validate my brother's experiences.   Both my psychologist and one of my support workers were extremely supportive.  So many mixed feelings about it all.  One of the things bro said is that he doesn't want me to be doing therapy about those times without knowing the truth and effects of my behaviour and events.  Still struggling to integrate this new information with what I already knew about.  Back to feeling like I'm carrying a bag full of jumbled jigsaw pieces and don't even have them all - and it's about a 3 year period that's 20 years ago.  Somewhat re-traumatised by the new information according to my psychologist.  I feel like I could write way more here, but haven't the energy atm to do so.

So sorry if I haven't got back to you in a timely manner.   I have seen all your posts and am following and supporting you where I can.

I will be going to the farm tomorrow for the weekend so won't be around to do the Saturday Soiree - all welcome!!  if anyone else is able to get it started that would be much appreciated.

Take care and stay safe everyone xoxo

[NatureLover]

Sorry to hear that you've been re-traumatised, @eth  😞

I hope you enjoy your time away and are refreshed.