A long rave

[Faith-and-Hope]

Thanks @eth ...... 💖🌷

[Adge]

[Adge]

[Mazarita]

Here today because of the depressive feelings, anxieties of mind, the generally and so familiar unhappy groundtone inside me, though it's a beautiful day.

One of the things that has been a thread of distress adding to these groundtone feelings this week, even when nothing has been bad on the outside, is an emotional outburst that happened in me suddenly during my psychologist's mindfulness/compassion course last week.

The memory of it has been bothering me mentally and emotionally every day since, and this has increased in increments each day to this day now when the memory has been really getting to me, repeatedly arising and sending distressing ripples all through my day.

The outburst was about my failure in the domestic and self-care areas of my life, those fundamental, taken-for-granted things that everyone does and is disgusted by if someone doesn't. I revealed that I have spent over a decade up until last November commonly going weeks without a shower. Also my failures over the almost six decades of my life with cooking, cleaning, materially nurturing myself or others.

It found myself suddenly almost howling with tears to reveal these truths about myself to just the one other participant in the group, a quiet withdrawn woman (psychologist already knew).  My voice was very loud and intense, depths of grief for my life that I did not know were there.

So often I either bat away that kind of thing, maybe block the thought before it continues, or deny in my mind that it has any importance. I am long known to myself as dysfunctional in so many ordinary ways. 

That session of the course last week was about heart-opening. This section was about feelings of inadequacy. It was revealing to me how deeply and painfully inadequate as a human on these basice levels, the burden I put on other people due to finding myself incapable of a regular share of domestic duties. My dependency on them.

Wondering how on earth C can stand living with someone like me. I couldn't.

So I have felt increasingly embarrassed by the largeness of my outburst at the session. I congratulate myself on keeping it short. But I was in such an intense emotional state, energetically filling up the room, that had been set up for peaceful feelings.

When my psychologist quickly tried to find ways for me to have compassion for myself, to help heal the emotions I was feeling so intensely, I was really unable to hear him. I was not yet out of the sudden intensity of my short emotional storm.

And so no closure inside me from it and I haven't been able to think of ways of having self-compassion about it since, other than I have the clinical label of bipolar, which after all is just a word. Bipolar doesn't answer my need to feel I can stand shoulder-to-shoulder and equal to my fellow humans. We all suffer.

And so my memory has been throwing up that scene again and again in my mind in little fragments, for example my psychologist's look when I caught a glimpse of it during the episode, seeming to me a big aghast at the session taking this turn. Noticing in this memory-projection that I may have overwhelmed his confidence in running the class at that moment.

Repeatedly I've heard him in these memory fragments raising his voice to be able to reach me. Repeatedly I see at that moment that my voice and energy was so big and I wasn't listening, all inside myself. He probably would have had to roar to get my attention and he is a gentle man.

In these fragments of memory, I also see the other woman in the workshop, and feel she had a bit of a wry smile in the midst of my big release of emotion.

Then I remember myself and feel embarrassed at the possibility that I was somehow being a drama queen or an emotional show-off, or something, doubt doubt doubt, sick feelings of shame arising.

I do not need an answer from myself or others. Writing this may have helped me understand a little more calmly going through these distressing after-therapy effects. I hope my heart may grow more open now about all this, with a little more compassion and trust in my self.

[Zoe7]

Good luck with the grant and the collaboration @eth 

[Mazarita]

Earlier in the day I was really struggling, as I wrote in earlier post. Going on 11pm feeling a long way better all around.

Over the course of the day I listened to all four recorded meditations and hypnoses by my psychologist, about two hours all up, I don't do this every day. Each of them increased feelings of inner peace and general feelings of okayness.

Did daily homework for the mindfulness course this week, written reflections on daily practices, speaking affirmations and listening to heart-opening music. This is one I have listened to twice in the past few days. I find it so beautiful and moving.

https://youtu.be/4ZP-4B7kHqA

Tagging @Shaz51 on this one, as it relates to my feeling for my Irish/Celtic ancestry, and the love of Ireland I found when there in 2019. @Appleblossom may appreciate it, @eth and @Exoplanet as well.

[Appleblossom]

@Mazarita 

Thank you. 'Heart opening music' is a beautiful phrase and apt.  Celtic culture has a lot to offer.

@Shaz51 @Zoe7 @eth 

[Exoplanet]

Dear Mazy @Mazarita 

Lots of love to you . . . & understanding, sending caring, comforting thoughts to you.
My anxious depression is not high at the moment, it's just a constant dull ache. I do the
best I can to shut it out, ignore it, deny it - you know, the fake till you make thing. I know
the truth is, it's permanent, it's a part of who I am. But it doesn't make me a bad person,
I'm a Human Being . . . I'm both good & bad, like every Human Being; I do good & bad,
I've done good & bad & I'll continue that pattern until I end. Everybody does this, Doctors,
Lawyers, Family, Friends, Lovers, Butchers, Bakers even Candle Stick Makers! 🙂 It's
simply being Human.
I'm trying not to answer your post, I too have had outbursts that have devastated me; all of
the anger, hate, pain, shame & sorrow come out in one nasty burst & I have absolutely no
control over it when it happens. That in itself causes more anger, hate, pain, shame & sorrow.
I wish you calmness, understanding, caring - about why it happens, what it took to get to
the that point & what it does to you afterwards.
I'm off to the next town over this afternoon, I've done an online order for my groceries -
it's just the best way to shop; I turn up, somebody else has gathered everything I want &
they present it to me in a trolley, I then pack my groceries in the car, push the trolley into
a rack & leave 😄 There's a couple of other things I need to do also, go to the chemist,
grab some fuel, I might even get a take-away pizza if the little shop is open while I'm there
(they do gluten free). I also should make an appointment with the Doc, I get a prescription
for a pain relief med, that I did have to use before, during & after my last trip. It definitely
helps & I'd hate to run out as I don't think it would make me a happy chappy, driving to
the next town over to make an appt. then driving back home, only to have to drive back to
the next town over to attend the appt, all whilst feeling discomfort! My ridiculous anxiety
about using the phone can be a real pain in the butt 😉
It's been cool the past couple of nights, so I've lit the fire-box. Last night I thought it must
have gone out or at least gone down a great deal, as it was a little cool. I didn't need to
pull up the quilt but I did end up with a bowling ball of muscle curled up at my feet. This
morning I noticed I'd forgotten to close the gap in the back door that I leave open for the
dogs to go out when I'm awake. Considering that gap isn't far behind the fire, I think it did
a pretty good job at keeping us warm & burnt well!
How about we take our 4WD super-charged wheelchairs into the shop for a few more
modifications. I'd like to add rocket engines & space ship cockpits, a dance floor with
laser lights & mirror balls & a computer tech room beside the 3D circular movie theater,
with total surround sound & motorized seats that move & vibrate in sinc with the film.
What do you think?

Love you Mazy ❤️

[Oaktree]

@Mazarita 

💜

Meggle

[eth]

Dear @Mazarita  hearing you and feeling for you.  I'll never forget the feelings I had the first times I confessed to anyone (SIL and then OT) about my not showering regularly - I've had 2 since I moved to my flat.  I do attend to personal hygeine using the basin, but others can't accept that.  I know I'm clean tho'.  You were very brave to open up about it.  So glad you were able to lift your feelings by the last post you did.  I LOVE Clannad!

@Appleblossom  I love that picture you posted so much.  Like a Celtic version of the tree of life, which is close to my heart.  I tried a few different ways but wasn't able to print it.  Wish I could.  

I have celtic heritage too.

Hi also to @frog @outlander @TAB @Adge @Shaz51 @Faith-and-Hope @Zoe7 @Exoplanet @Oaktree  @Emelia8  nice to see you all here and in other threads.  I'm just going to post here for now.  Limited time, yet again.  I do miss being around more, but also know that the activities in my offline life are good for me overall.  Still learning to balance everything and when I do have time at home I often have domestic things to catch up on or just need some still, quiet time.

Thanks to all who've tagged me.

I've had a really difficult week after a major slating by a close friend on Tuesday in relation to the procedures needed to organise attending the MH conference I mentioned previously.  I felt bullied and belittled by her words and it shattered me for days.  This was on top of the DBT course which started Monday (exhausted by the effort to show up and be in a group for 3 1/2 hrs, not to mention the content), and also being told by my brother that because I had attended the group I could no longer be in the family covid bubble (which I cried about).  It has taken me until yesterday to really get a break from it all in my head and until today to feel like I can do anything at all, hence being here. 

I'm still really stirred up about what happened with "friend".  We spoke Thursday eve and both said we don't want to lose the friendship, but she has not acknowledged what she did on Tuesday, let alone apologized.  She seems to think we just go on as if it didn't happen, and that we can collaborate for the conference paper and attendance regardless of where our friendship is it.  I'm finding it very difficult, to say the least.  There is so much I could say to her, I wrote out some statements and filled an A4 page.  I did, however, manage to say to her that just because I'm non-confrontational doesn't mean I'm submissive.  And that sometimes two people will have different interpretations of the same words.  But it was like water off a duck's back, did not seem to get through to her.  She is so hell bent on her feelings and ideas being heard that she doesn't hear me.  I think and plan of boundaries to have in my relationship with her, but repeatedly lose them, particularly when we have talked often for 3 hrs or more.  e.g. I had to tell her 4 times on Thurs eve's call that I was not doing anything about the group projects or talking about them for a couple of days, needed a total break.  She ignored me and barrelled on the 1st 3 times.  So by the time I came off the call I felt like she'd reduced me to submission yet again.  

I know some of my feelings are due to my own schema, but I also know that some of my feelings are valid and justified in the circumstances.

Today I have another friend from the group coming over to work on my bio for the conference with me and hopefully we'll make a start for the bursary application too.  I'm really looking forward to being with her, as she's been slated by the other friend recently too.  In fact the other friend has torn strips off 5 members of the group in the last 8 weeks and is at the centre of every drama. And we're only a small group trying to collaborate respectfully on 3 different projects, so this behaviour is really taking a toll on the group.  This week both the friend who will visit today and I spent the whole of our respective psychology sessions talking about the problem person.  That's over $400 worth of therapy between us.  We keep making excuses for her as she has a lot of other stressful things in her life atm, but really that and her various MH diagnoses are no excuse for downright rude and cruel behaviour.

I'm also drafting some communication guidelines for the group in an attempt to bring us together again.  Asking them all for input on it.  And then it can be read at the start of every meeting after the acknowledgement of country.  Trying to pour oil on the waters, so to speak.   The SANE guidelines have been great to refer to with this task.  

Wow this turned into a really long and venting post.  Thankyou to anyone who's read this far.  I hope today is gentle for you all and thankyou for understanding that I can't be here very much atm.

Take care and stay kind everyone.

My new motto for life - get sh!t done and don't be a d!ck  !!!