A Life of Trauma and Tragedy (Possibly Triggering Content)

[Peri]

Dear @Emelia8 ,

It is always up to you what you share here or anywhere else.   

I have always been very open about my life and the I have experienced, I figure I have lived my life in the sight of others, so someone somewhere knows about my life.  It is not secret.  Neither does life experience need a diagnosis and if your psychologist was any good she might be interested, even fascinated at all you have gone through. But would not have a field day or need to diagnose something because of it.  

It explains your empathy and kindness. It is these experiences that give us our humanity and ability to connect with others.  I can fully believe that you have experienc d all that. I too have experienced a great deal of loss. But through it I have gained a great deal.

keep connecting 

peri

[Zoe7]

Your question @Emelia8 "Is life worth living" - that is very much a personal question to ponder. For me most days now are but there are still many, many days I don't care whether I am living or not. Each day with my fur babies is a bonus - they have and do bring me so much joy and make each day worth getting up for. There is no greater love than that of our fur babies - that unconditional love, that sense of peace around them, giving them a hug and knowing we are all they have, they depend on us and we too depend on them. For me that is the best part of my day most days and you may ask 'is that enough' - yes for me it is. Luckily I also have work that I both enjoy and are happy with. I have great colleagues, wonderful kids (even though they are really tricky at times) and a much greater sense of purpose than I have had for a long time.

For me so much has been about letting the past go - knowing I cannot change anything that has happened and finding those moments of joy in wat I do have and not dwelling too much on what I don't. It is a mindset thing - you have to work hard to re-train your way of thinking and of being. This has not come easy or quickly - and there are always reminders, triggers, nightmares, etc. that can cause a slide backwards or distress at times - but the basis of change is in wanting that change and once you can adopt that mindset you can move forward (it may be in tiny steps but they are steps nonetheless).

As for strength and courage - anyone that has been through any of what we have do have both of those in spades. Again though it is a self belief that is needed to accept that and that takes both time to achieve and a determination to accept ....and that is by no means easy when most of our life we have been put down, abused, invalidated and hurt in unfathomable ways. But recognising that we are in-fact survivors - as we continually show despite all this - we can also recognise that we have both defeated death and thus had the strength and courage to go on - that is no small thing. Life is ours for the taking as within us there is more determination to 'live' than most would ever know or acknowledge. So to answer your question - yes life is worth living but we all individually have to find those things that make that so, know within ourselves that we can move forward and know within ourselves we do have that strength and courage to endure whatever comes our way.

[Emelia8]

Dear @Peri 

Thank you for your very wise response here a few days ago.  My apologies I have not been back since you posted. To be honest I have been trying to avoid thinking about any of this stuff for now. 😔

Yes it is mostly up to me what I chose to share, and how much of it.  I would share more freely if guidelines were not so strict, and if I did not have anonymity concerns. The fact is that I feel quite 'bold' (if you like) when talking about difficult matters within an anonymous setting. Within the guidelines I can speak openly and honestly. So the Forums are really very good for me, by encouraging me to talk things through and express my feelings and fears.  I used to just clam up and go silent with my psych, and it was she that suggested I join an online forum.  To learn to open up a bit, and realise that I actually have a voice.  And that perhaps someone may even listen.

Its not that I intentionally keep some of my early experiences secret from my psych, its more that the subject just has never really come up.  I guess I always seem to have more current issues which have been our priority when it comes to therapy and support.  But certainly there are some things in there that she would probably be interested in when it comes to historical abuse and trauma. 

I suppose everything we live through, contributes to who we are now.  So arguably its all relevant.  Perhaps one day I may surprise myself and make a point of mentioning some things, such as how my Dad was, and how I lost so many young school friends and then boyfriends in tragic circumstances.

Thanks for saying you see empathy and kindness in me.  Thats kind of you.  I'm absolutely certain that nobody could go through life without encountering at least a few deeply distressing incidences and losses in their lives.  Its all a part of life in general I suppose.  Perhaps I'm simply not strong enough, way too weak for a hard world. Where most people can pick themselves up and dust themselves off ... I dont seem able to do so. I'm unable to let things go ... it all feels too close to the surface, too raw.

Where you have lived through much adversity and gained something from it Peri ... I apparently have not.  I guess I'm just a deeply flawed human being. 

Yes @Peri  I am trying to remain connected.  Sometimes its hard to do, but I know its important.  I see my psychologist next week, and she will want a report on how I'm going.  Sigh.

I hope things have settled for you a bit now @Peri , after the high emotions involved in a custody battle around your granddaughter.

@Zoe7  ... I was going to respond to your post today too ... but given the circumstances ... it can wait.  Please know I feel heartbroken for you over the loss of your good friend under such tragic circumstances.  As you would know, I understand how you may be feeling.  Sending you a hug and loving thoughts.

@Former-Member @outlander @Former-Member @Maggie @Appleblossom @BlueBay @NatureLover @greenpea @Shaz51 @Snowie @eth @Owlunar @CheerBear @Lee82 @Molliex @Former-Member  and any others I have missed ... a big thank you for your support, either here or on other threads around the forums, since I returned nearly a week ago. Sending much love and gratitude to you all.  Thanks also to the Sane managers @Former-Member @Former-Member @Former-Member for assisting my return.

Emelia 🌸

[Snowie]

@Emelia8 so glad you are back. Lots of love and hugs hon 💖💖

[BlueBay]

 @Emelia8  xxxooo

[Former-Member]

I am so happy you are here Em. @Emelia8  💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

[outlander]

@Emelia8 💛

[NatureLover]

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@Emelia8 wrote:

Where most people can pick themselves up and dust themselves off ... I dont seem able to do so. I'm unable to let things go ... it all feels too close to the surface, too raw.

...

Where you have lived through much adversity and gained something from it Peri ... I apparently have not.  I guess I'm just a deeply flawed human being. 

---

I would say rather than a deeply flawed human being, a highly sensitive person...

Just want to check in with you this morning, @Emelia8 ...I know you have your GP appointment soon this morning, but would like to hear how you're doing after that, if you feel up to it...

[Owlunar]

Hi @Emelia8 

I have read back through some of your posts and it's certainly true that you have experienced many tragic events in your life and it seems some people have drawn back from you feeling unsure themselves but thinking perhaps that you are not safe to be around. It's understandable I guess but not kind of them - when you have experienced one loss after another after another after many others for your whole life it seems you must need support from those who are left. I also know that many people don't understand grief and imagine that we can just "get over it" and that is not the case. 

My mother was not allowed to be upset. I always felt that if she had to put up with feeling upset sometimes she would have got used to the idea that life is not always kind and managed it all better but that never happened and she was unhappy. I would have liked it and really appreciated it had she been more understanding when my son died but she couldn't deal with her own grief and therefore unlikely she could ever handle anyone else's - but I hear you - and I understand that is one hell of a lot to endure and no wonder you can't tell the whole story to a therapist.

I feel this at times - you did write it very well in your first post on this thread - I didn't pick up that it was you at first - you write very well - and this can be a really good outlet for your emotions and I don't think you are a flawed person at all - you have experienced harsh realities of different kinds and we all make poor choices at times - I do understand why you are staying in your marital home right now - and that could be a good choice - I can't evaluate that - I have ended two long-term relationships and now I don't feel inclined to have another - that was right for me but not necessarily right for anyone else - it isn't a case of one size fits all

I have just had a moment of reflection -  made a choice this week - it's a firm and thought-out decision - and I don't want to talk about it with anyone else because it's right for me. It's not that it's good or bad but rather - I need to protect myself in this life and so I have to make the choices that mean I care for myself. Maybe this is your choice too - not to tell your therapist your whole story - that would take up time when your day-to-day issues are more pressing

Personally I think you are a wise and compassionate woman who has endured a great deal of trauma and loss though life - it has changed who you are - but flawed - I don't think so - changed yes - 

And knowing what I do about you I see you as intelligent and caring - and you know how to protect yourself when things are too dangerous

I am really glad I know you

Dec

I want a kitten like this one

And yes - I did read your Thursday Whoo-hoo comment - I do try and keep positive about things - it's not always easy and such attitude isn't one size fits all either - I also have an attitude that it's okay to feel miserable at times - I am sure I have had plenty of those moments this year

[Molliex]

Sending hugs your way. I'm happy you're here. Sharing and being vulnerable is so hard. 💙🌼💙