@Anastasia asked me a few days ago how best to support me when I am badly triggered with my PTSD, at times such as the upcoming anniversary of my traumatic event. I thought it may help others if I respond, as I know many others here suffer from PTSD as well. I realise there is also meant to be an upcoming Topic Tuesday event covering Trauma.
So my response will cover some of what I experience at such times, some of how I tend to respond, and some of how anyone supporting somebody through PTSD and trauma may be able to assist.
So I hope this may be helpful to others, and I thank @Anastasia very much for asking this question. I hope I havent given you more than you bargained for. 😊💕
@Anastasia @Lee82 @outlander @Snowie @Eve7 @Owlunar @Peri @greenpea @Clawde @eth @Shaz51 @Appleblossom @Faith-and-Hope @Zoe7 @Former-Member @WIP @Bow @Mellysmellyelly @BlueBay @NatureLover and anyone else reading along.
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I become stuck in a state of constant alert while continually reliving the traumatic experience that caused the PTSD. I feel vulnerable and unsafe, as it all plays out over and over again in my head. I go through periods of anger ... feeling volatile, irritable, depressed .. and very stuck.
This causes me to become frustrated with myself that this continues to happen after so long. I see myself as weak, a drama queen, unworthy of care or support. I punish myself for my obvious weakness. I should be over this.
I withdraw from people, both online and in real life. I want to be alone, but I also crave someone to reassure me that I'm strong enough to get through, and will be okay. Yet I will reject assistance, if its offered, saying I'm fine thanks.
But I know in my heart that I'm not fine at all. I struggle to get through each day. I don't sleep at night. And if I do, I wish I hadn't because I wake from vividly real and frightening nightmares. During the day I suffer from flashbacks. Simple things will set me off .. a name, a place, the unique car he drove, a whiff of cigarette smoke ... and I see the man who did this to me. I see him there in the street, in the shop, in the car pulled up alongside me. And I go into a panic ... unable to breathe, unable to scream, unable to open my eyes to reassure myself that it's not real.
Though I may reject it, I really need support. I need to know I'm not a burden on others. I need to know someone understands. I need help to overcome my feelings of helplessness and despair, and deep anger that someone could do this to another person. There is almost a sense of grief .. that this person has destroyed my life. My life was changed irrevocably on that day. What he did to me, changed me and I continue to deal with the sick aftermath.
How can anyone support me? I don't know, it's hard to know really. When I'm triggered and in a state of hyper-arousal, I'm quite volatile and change with the wind. I don't always know myself, what I want or need. One minute I may just crawl into a corner and shake and cry, needing solitude and quiet ... just hibernate until the storm is over. The next minute I will feel the need to talk about what happened .. over and over again. Just the same as it is in my head ... all on repeat. I want acceptance, understanding, reassurance ... a need for hope, healing. But I dont know where you find that?
I need to know I can trust people again. I need to know that not everyone out there is bad. I need security, stability, a sense of routine. I crave normality and yet I know I'm not normal. I'll never be normal again .. I'm a deeply flawed and damaged human being. That will never change. These types of traumatic events cause a lifetime affliction.
I begin to doubt myself ... my judgement is amiss, my trust misplaced .. so therefore I must be to blame. And then I hate myself. My emotions are all over the place, and I just don't know how to change any of it. I can't sleep, I'm exhausted, I'm on edge, I feel tense with jaw tight and hands clenched ... and I feel very vulnerable and alone.
How can you help me through this? Listen when I need to talk, reassure me that you care, encourage me to continue to do things that are good for me, be there for me. But perhaps the biggest thing ... is to please be patient with me. I am not a nice person when I'm like this, and I apologise in advance. But please be patient and remind me every now and then that you are still listening, still caring, still understanding and not judging.
Emelia 💞
