Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Yuki]

I am so tired and confused as well as worried and feeling sad.  My partner of 4 years is living with depression.  When we first met I had no idea.  I knew he had had a very tragic life with losing 2 of his 3 children but he never mentioned to me that he is living with depression.  The first couple of years I didn't pick up on anything.  He worked away a lot and when he was home he was happy and energetic. He is not working away anymore. The last couple of years I noticed the change.  He would go for walks late by himself, just take off and not say anything.  It worried me a lot.  He then opened up and told me of his life with depression.  I have never seen him cry...not even when he was tellng me of the tragic events of his 2 children who both passed away at different times.  I cried when he told me, it was heart breaking...I just held him and told him I was here for him.  About a year ago he was not doing as well with the depression and his doctor up-ed his medication.  That made a bit of a difference for a short time. We had way more good days, not alot of down days and when he had down days there were for a day of two and then he was his happy energetic self.  We would go out a lot, socialise a lot, go dancing etc... Of late he is having more down days than good days.... He is still able to get up and go to work.  At night when we get home he is just withdrawn, just plays on the computer or watches TV.  No chat, no playfulness like he was in the past. Each day lately seems to be a struggle to do anything...  He is sleeping more, pretty much sleeps away the weekends, eats more and has told me that he doesn't want the physical contact (he doesn't feel like it..he doesn't need it.), No hugs, nothing...Which is the complete opposite to what he has always been like.  I am not coping with all this, he is not coping with this....  I have started to check if he has been taking his meds and I have noticed that he takes them for a few days and then he misses a day or two and then takes them and then misses them etc... I have gently reminded him that he hasn't taken his meds some days and he just gets angry cause he says I am checking up on him....He tells me he is 54 and doesn't need a Mother figure checking up on him....I don't know what to do.  Is missing one day a problem when you are on meds for depression?  Does this affect the depression?  I have started questioning myself whether it is the depression or me?  I am just so confused and feeling lost and helpless.....I really miss him, I really miss our fun, happy times together.  

[2or3thingsIknow]

 Hello @Yuki,

Welcome to the forum! I hope you find it a supportive community. 

We know how isolating it can be when living with someone with a mental illness. It seems like you are grappling with a difficult transition in your relationship that has been impacted by your partner’s depression. It sounds as though he has tried really hard to protect you from his depression and no longer spending long periods away he may be finding it harder to manage what you see. The stigma around having a mental illness can mean those who suffer can feel that shame acutely. I was wondering if you have been able to talk with your partner about the changes you have noticed (being more withdrawn, sleeping away the weekend) and how much you are missing him and the wonderful times you used to share? One of the most difficult things when people are experiencing depression is that it is often very difficult for them to see them impact the illness has on those around them. For this reason, it is important that you also have support. Have you been speaking to anyone about your experience (aside from here at the forum)? Is this something you would be interested in? Seeing your GP could be a good place to start, both to answer any questions you might have about depression and medication (as you mentioned in your post) and also to discuss other support options available to you.

You mentioned in your post that your partner had a dosage change via his GP about a year ago and that this seemed to help for a period of time. Does your partner have a good relationship with his GP? Would he be open to seeing his GP to discuss some of the difficulties he has been having and the changes you have noticed and are concerned about?

Many people who support partners experiencing depression express the feelings of sadness and hopelessness that you articulate, please know that you are not alone. There has been great discussion and suggestions here on the forum around supporting a partner with depression and the importance of taking care of yourself in this process. Please keep in touch and let us know how you are going.

Warm wishes,

2or3thingsiknow

[Lucky2015]

Hi @Yuki,

Firstly I know where you have been on this, and also where you partner has been.

Do know that it will get better and that those happy times can return.

From a male perspective on depression, I know that when I was depressed I also felt angrier than ever. I knew that it was unnaturally so (I am normally more well balanced than that). I was also resentful when my wife checked in to see if I was taking them.

The key is the consistency with taking the meds. Missing one day can make a big difference (a male friend of mine who is currently on them was discussing this with me yesterday in fact).

Hope this helps you realise that it isn't you (when you are questioning yourself).

Regards
Lucky2015

[Yuki]

Thank you for that....

In answer to your question:

 I was wondering if you have been able to talk with your partner about the changes you have noticed (being more withdrawn, sleeping away the weekend) and how much you are missing him and the wonderful times you used to share?

Yes, I have chatted with him about this.  He doesn't want to discuss anything though.  He says it makes him mentally and physically exhausted. He gets defensive and says he hasn't changed, this is who he is.... He just closes up even more and then won't talk at all.  Sleeps more.   If I try and broach the subject gently days or weeks later he basically says, here we go again, you can't leave anything alone....  

So as you can see, it is extremley hard to talk about the depression, the way things have changed, the concern I have or the missed meds....  This is where I am at a loss.  Do I just stop talking about it and see what happens?  Or do I gently remind him of the meds he has missed, do I try and talk about what might be causing this or why the change, how he is feeling?  It seems if I do he just closes up more, if I don't I feel like I am giving up on him...

I did mention to him that I would like to go to his next GP appointment with him.  He of course questioned why.  I told him because your GP needs to know of all these changes and the depression is getting worse, he needs to know how this is impacting your life and my life!  He didn't say no, but he didn't say yes either...  His GP is just a GP that he sees to renew skripts...so no relationship there ufortunately...

I did tell him that I am on this website so I can help him and help myself to understand how to support him living with depression....

He has also admitted for the first time that he realises his depression is gettig worse.  So hopefully he will do something about it as he does know that is has gotten worse.  

He tells me when we talk about these things, it just pushes him away.....it doesn't help him to deal with his depression. It makes his depression worse....  That is why I am so confused as to what to do.  I don't want to make the depression worse but I do believe he needs to know there is support out there for him and from me and that he needs to get that support in order to help himself.  

Thank you again....

[Yuki]

Thank you....

I really hope and pray it does get better and the happy times return again....that is my wish come true....

I thought that missing even one day could make a big difference.  He unfortunatley doesn't think that...and he definitely doesn't want me checking to see if he has had his meds...so how do I do this without getting him angry?

You say when you were depressed....do you still take meds for depression?  

I still do question at times "is it me" it's hard not to....but I will try not to.  Thank you.

Trying really hard to stay positive and be positive....

[Former-Member]

Hi Yuki,

I have a partner with depression and I know that watching him too closely is not good for either of us. I find it helpful to keep doing the things I like even if I have to do them without him for a while. So I would suggest you find a way to fit in some dancing if that is what you love.

Different types of treatment are helpful for different people. The main thing is that your partner needs to sort this out with his doctor. Some medication can have side effects and affect the ability to be intimate. So maybe that is something to find out about.

Hope I have been helpful.

[Shaz51]

Hello @Yuki, how are you today ,have been thinking of you

I have a partner with depression and I know that watching him too closely is not good for either of us too but i sometimes find it hard to do things without him

Hello @Former-Member'

I agree with your advice

 My partner can`t  sort this out with his doctors and MI Team as he has cancelled everything , he is taking the medications but he says he is tired all the time

[Lucky2015]

Hi @Yuki,

I am off meds. My life situation has turned around alot since I have been on them.
Life has settled down alot for me and my family. And that has been a big help too.

Mine was triggered by work/partner mental health issues (amongst everything else). Spent the time I was on them to get those things sorted out. As your GP will say, they will get your partner into a stable state so the real issues can be tackled.

The key I guess is getting the medication right and regular.

Regards
Lucky2015

[Yuki]

Thank you @Shaz51

We had a relatively good weekend.  He seemed to have a bit more energy on Saturday.  

We are taking it one day at a time..... He also seems to be taking his meds a bit more regularly so hopefully that will continue.  

Yes I agree watching him too closely is not good for either of us @Carer101' 

I am hoping he will make a doctors appointment soon and discuss all this with him.  

I also agree it is hard to do things without my partner...but I guess I am going to have to start. 

I hope you have had a good weekend and your partner is not as tired....and you are able to spend some quality time with him. @Shaz51 

I am happy to hear you are off your medication and your life is on track with happy times @Lucky2015

Nice hearing from you all and thinking of you...

[Shaz51]

Hello @Yuki, one day at a time is best ,

well this saturday i am going to a cent sale with my mum and my aunty

Yes my hubby is taking his meds regularly now which is great

Yes i found if i am relaxed my hubby is happy

Hi @Lucky2015, that is great news

Hi @Former-Member, how are you today ??