Lived Experience Forum

[BlueBay]

how do you have enough 'self love'?

I am struggling with this big time.  I have no self love, no self esteem or confidence.

I think because of my childhood abuse, my parents not talking to me; my controlling mum ruling me all my life; my depression, anxiety and pstd have not helped with my self love.

I can easily give a compliment to someone or advice but I struggle greatly accepting the same to me.

How to others cope or what do you do? Any tips?

[Appleblossom]

I think self love is respecting yourself regardless of anything the outside world says.  

We dont even have to say anything about it to others, but find a little corner inside that is firmly full of compassion and understanding for oneself.

Take care of you @BlueBay 

[Former-Member]

HI @BlueBay

Ive just come on shift and wanted to check in with you. Thank you for your post earlier on self love and self esteem.

This is a complex topic and worthy of good discussion 🙂 I think one of the things that is common when some one has good self love is that they acknowledge the things they do well (even the little things) rather than dwell on mistakes or limitations. There is also a sense of compassion for self in that I don't have to get it right all the time and I still have worth inspite of what others (mothers) may say. I know it's hard when a parent has controlled you or put you down much of your life. Usually when people do that it represents their own anxieties or inability to be loving and accepting.

Maybe acceptance is a good place to start and the first step toward self love. "I accept myself warts and all". I am human and therefore "perfectly imperfect" (this comes from the Japanese philosophy of Wabi-Sabi: that there is beauty in imperfection).

Also I find that Louise Hay is the guru of self love with her amazing life time of work around healing one's emotional pain through affirmations that re-program our negative thinking towards self love. What we say about ourselves each day eventually form our beliefs about self. Louise herself experienced horrendous abuse as a child but went on to transform her life and looks amazing now at 90years old!

Hope this gives you some inspiration - take care,

Frog

[BlueBay]

Hi @Former-Member @Appleblossom

I struggle with this so much that part of me thinks I don't deserve self love.

I will look at Louise Haye's book.  I remmeber listening to one of her youtube on self love/compassion and while I was listening to this I broke down and sobbed.  I told my psych that I couldn't do this for 15 mins every day as it was too much for me.

But I can try again.

[Zoe7]

@BlueBay This is a really difficult and complex topic to think about - I have avoided it until now - when I'm in a bit better place to respond. 

I posed a similar question several nights ago in a discussion with a few people. It was a really hard one to think about and honestly to deal with. When you can't see your own self-worth it doesn't seem to matter what anyone else says you just can't take any compliments on board.  For me it certainly is a result of the years and years of being put down, let down, used and abused. The negative talk is so prominent and overwhelming at times that nothing positive can get through. When you have been treated so badly it is what is expected and you do believe that you don't deserve any better. 

I also struggle with taking my own advice. It is much easier to help and support others but not myself. I see accepting help means that I have failed and failure is not something that sits well with me. Having had so much of my life controlled by others it is really important that I now have control over my own life - but that brings with it a whole new set of anxieties and concerns - and still a sense that I do not have any control!

So the past continues to dictate the present and I continue to feel there is nothing about me that is worth loving. In my head I know this isn't true - but the negative talk continues to be prominent in my thinking.

[BlueBay]

Hi @Zoe7

You and me have so much similarities.  Reading what you wrote I thought was about me!!

I have always had negative comments.  I remember one time after I had lost about 10kg my mum said to me 'OMG you look terrible, you look so sick" instead of saying "wow you look amazing, well done".

Another time she bought me a 'size 16' pj's for my birthday when in fact i was a size 12!!!

And everytime my sisters would come over to my place my mum would say to them 'oh you look nice, i like what you're wearing' but would never ever say that to me.

I have lost count of how many times I have been treated terribly and that's not including ythe abuse i got as a child.

I, too like you had been controlled my whole life.  I would nevewr make my own decisions or even with my husband, i would always ring mum first to get her 'approval' first before i would say to hubby 'okay we can buy this, or do that'.  So now I feel very strange and find it extremely difficult to make decisions or have control of my life without 'that support' but it was 'control really not support'.

I also find that my negative talk is so dominant at the moment.

It's a hard topic to talk about let alone how to have self love.  xxxoo

[Zoe7]

Yes @BlueBay I think we have more similarities than you would know! That is why I do see how much strength you also have - I can see so much of me in you also - sometimes I read what you write also and think I have just written it myself! That is why it is never anything that you say that triggers me - it's the fact that I could have written it also!

Always here for you my friend - walking beside you...

Zoe

[utopia]

@BlueBay @Zoe7. Self love.
I think it's something that those who have suffered trauma - need to be taught how to do. Unless we have had adults in our life who have nurtured and loved us unconditionally - where we would normally have developed a strong sense of self - then we need to learn it as adults. And that is achievable!
Louise Haye has downloaded aps on the Internet - where you can do a meditation or mindfulness practice. Many of these are about loving self. I'd really recommend having a listen to a few of these.
I think there must be a desire to change and to want to like yourself. This is hard when people have always put you down. And when you have learnt to speak to yourself in that negative way.
A turning point for me was when I was in a therapy group in hospital last year.
All of a sudden I realised - I would never let anyone speak to my son or my mum or best friend or niece - the way I speak to myself. I wouldn't let anyone say even 1% to my loved ones - what I say to myself.
That was a big turning point. It wasn't an overnight thing. It was practicing everyday. I'm human. There is still self doubt and negative words that enter my mind from time to time. But not as much as there used to be.
And when you are struggling to believe you deserve love - read the posts on this forum. And read what people here see in you.
You are both amazing women. You have so much love in your hearts. You have enough to give to yourself too.♥♥

[BlueBay]

@Zoe7

I'm glad I found you on here, we can both be here for each other. And also having our 'cocky friend' watching over us both is good.

@utopia I don't know what to say.  I still think that sometimes when people say things to me they say it just to say it and not really mean it.  I sort of don't trust them with what they say to me. (does that make sense??) 

I guess having my mum put me down all the time and being so controlling, manipulative and negative has had a huge impact on my life, my thinking, my behaviour. And I don't know how to change.

do i deserve the love? maybe or maybe not?

maybe i did something terribly wrong as a child to deserve no self love?

i don't know, i really know 

maybe i don't think people are genuine because I've never received nice loving nurturing care and compliments from people when i was little. 

lost for words, i donm't know what to say.

[utopia]

@BlueBay. Yes you deserve love. But I understand why it is hard for you to believe it. You didn't and couldn't have done anything to not deserve love. Your mother was not able to give it to you. That's her shite. Not yours.
You are able to give love to your children. So she has not damaged that. Now you learn how to accept love.
You are already doing that - in dribs and drabs. You rest when your body needs you too. You knit and colour and design - which helps you relax. You enjoy a laugh - at my expense - I think @Zoe7 eggs you on there.
Your mother can't hurt you anymore.
You are slowly learning self love. Keep doing what you need to do. It gets easier the more times we practice.