Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

hello @BlueBay @utopia @Arjay @Former-Member @Gilgamesh @Appleblossom

Hello all

I just wanted to say that I have read all of the responses several times.

A common factor in all of them is trust.

This is going to be emotional so do not read any further if you feel that this might affect you or trigger emotional feelings that you are unable to cope with at this time.

Having been trampled on, hurt, abused, humiliated, disrespected by people whom we thought we could trust knocks our healthy self-esteem,  sends it tumbling to the ground. When this happens on more than one occasion and also with more than one person, the feeling is shattering. Each of you would have your own devastating feelings in relation to your own experiences.

I have been in that place, picked up the pieces gradually and rebuilt my self-esteem only for some other manipulative, scheming, lying, person to do even more damage. Rock bottom is not a nice place to be. Then one circumstance after another, impossible to pick oneself up as all of the energy is used in getting through yet another horrid experience.

People can tell us that we matter, we are worthwhile, we are loveable over and over. If you are like I was I had built an invisible shell around my soul, my personal space. Very impenetrable. Only the nastiest of people could come anywhere near. Well a new female relative on my husband's side managed. She is very intimidating and a bully.

It has taken 6 years to get where I am now after other traumas occurring. I still cannot get my head around the fact that I am affected by so much violence. I am such a passive person. It is almost as though I have a neon sign across my forehead over here over here I am passive, easy picking for bullying. Now this is putting myself down, this statement emerges from very low self-esteem. That is exactly how I felt for so long regardless of the fact that different people were telling me the exact opposite.

So when I write that I am starting to take my own advice, I do not do that easily. I have to rewire my thought process that has been telling me for so long that I have no self-esteem low or high.

This is not as easy as it sounds. For me the turning point is finally  feeling my own inner strength that others recognise in me. In doing this I am using this strength to take one step forward again because I have so much determination, persistence, purpose and fight in me that NOONE is ever going to hurt me in that way again. I have so much to be strong for. I have my family, my real family, my 2 sons whom having struggled themselves are also finding and rebuilding their own self esteem. I have my twin sister also doing the same. I have my mum getting through each day now. Lastly I have my husband, whom stands by me through each trauma. He does not always give the best response, react in the way I would like but he is still here, loving me and trying very hard to exist in my mad world even though he doesnt understand.

Look at the people in your life who matter and if you cant do it for yourself do it for them. Be the strength and love that you provide for them. Life can change so dramatically in one phone call.

Please believe in yourselves and do not give up. I would love to hear that you are all working alongside of me.

I am shaking and crying as I write this. I am strong though. I am  pushing through my grief and as hard as it is most days to get up and start again I am doing it.

Please join hands and use one another's strength we can do this.

stay strong stay safe and love yourselves xxxx

[Former-Member]

Don't know what to say right now, but feel for you. Big hug. One day at a time @mohill, quiet yourself on the inside today xox

[BlueBay]

Hi @Former-Member

I need to re read this later to absorb what im reading.  but i just wanted to send you a big warm hug and lots of love to you  xxxooo

[utopia]

@Former-Member. Very proud of your words and your strength. Don't ever give up. You are an example for your boys.
Self love is also about doing things you enjoy.Be it music or dance or sport or vvolunteering. Reading, art, craft, gardening, cooking.
Taking time out of each day to do something for yourself. Even if it's 5 minutes to meditate or sit outside with a cuppa on your own.
I'd be happy to support you any way I can.
♥♥♥

[Former-Member]

[BlueBay]

Hi @Former-Member
Reading your post made me cry. It's ok. I just feel for you so much. But do you know what - you have your amazing husband and boys and your mum and twin sister.
You have so much strength @Former-Member
I do understand how hard it must have been to write what you did.
Take care @Former-Member
Xxxooo

[Former-Member]

[Shaz51]

Hello @Former-Member