Lived Experience Forum

[tonys]

@maddison @wordman    Hello maddison.   Yes i did let that one get away from me a bit,  but thankyou for your always mellow kind words.....    i do hope your legal matters are progressing favourably,  and ...... well ....you are a      'one off'  mate.....    Rainbow hair..    thats definatley you.   matches the colour within .

Had a legal situation myself ,  not tough as yours ,  that ive been avoiding.   Im one of the many that have had to give statements regards abuse in the church institutions .   For someone with autism,    well i dont think i need tell you how hard that is...  We all have our triggers dont we. One more day in the city.. 

I nearly apologised for that long rave, but then that would have negated the letters message.

I think i was trying to say that this seems to be a place where minds in pain meet to laugh , cry, vent,  reveal,  excise...  and maybe offer some hope to others.   Too often i see letters of apology ,  from people  thinking they have caused offence to others.

Having spent some time in institutions in my youth,    from what i saw and endured, i can say the plea of insanity definitely has some merit.      I guess i'm just saying i hope people dont get scared off this site with feelings they have been judged for having a melt down moment, because i really worry where they go from here...  People dont always realize theres someone else in there head doing driving at times. 

Perhaps thats why i like you so much Maddison.  I feel safe opening the door a little bit with you....    Thanks mate.    May your rainbow hair flow with a ribbon or   bow  ,   a skip in you're step ,  and a radiant glow.    tonys moon base one

[tonys]

@wordman @maddison   Hello Wordman,   Hope you are safe and well.     I am humbled by your incredible patience..    I share a condition with a few others in this forum.  My brain is physically different to most, so well done labouring through it..    My head is a shared accommodation, house for other ghosts so like many , i manage as best i can.  

Everyone has the splinters of there past in there feet...   Head or heart you ask.    one cannot survive without the other..    Perhaps one day you can regale me with the roads you have travelled...  A brief history may shed light on my last letter.

Streets and institutions before my teen years.   Defiled  and brutalized by the church ,  then   selling myself on the street,    Cops, priests, a politician  among the many do gooders lining up for a blond blue eyed 12 year old.  Over decades one by one ive seen them all hiding in the community, and thrown up. Angels on sundays and demons the rest.

You ask why people say the things they do.

At a shelter for the homeless, i once saw a woman in the grips of schizophrenia after she had some how managed to slice her eyes out of her head.   She said later that god had told her to it so she could be spared the face of the devil.  The nights i dont hear her screams in my dreams, as reality came back to her and she lacked an understanding of what had happened ..   well pease from those dreams .......... few and far between..  

If she ever found her way onto this forum........     What would she say..........  What would i say ???           Tonys moon base one

[maddison]

@tonys I hope this letter finds you well. I was thinking about you lots today. I don't understand the technology. I think you are a friend.

You are warm& kind to me.

I'm really having difficulty processing the things you shared here. 

If our techno friendship is real - you are loved deeply. 

Take it & keep it forever. It's yours.

Whenever you need a hug, close your eyes & imagine the rainbow girl. I can fly at the speed of thought. Destination mb1.❤️

[wordman]

@tonys Hey Tonys. I read your response very carefully. WOW, WOW, WOW. You have experienced a lot my friend and have become a good person from it. All I can say is don't remain bitter. Use forgiveness to forget and resolve your memories of the past. This is not coming from any religious or faith doctrine, as I am not religious and know that it is all full of hypocrisy. I write this post feeling that you in some way do forgive the people who have trespassed you in the past. A person like yourself has a lot to offer this world, a lot to offer anyone who requires healing. Keep writing to me. I want to hear more of what you want to say. 

Kind Regards

Wordman

[tonys]

@maddison  Hello Maddison.  Please dont even try to unpack that box.   Its been in room 87 9th floor of my mind  for years.  Only people in suites to share it with.  No friendly faces.  Thats the thing with this forum isn't it.  Lots of people with lots of boxes, they have there hands full, just keeping there own bench space tidy.  Those imaginary places i escape to for refuge,.....  well i keep those just for me......  The world i share with you,  its a real world,.... Its too crazy and beautiful not to be......  So please close the lid on that old box...   A trigger made it slip from my grasp,    I loose one now and then in the long road to recovery, and i just hope it doesnt do damage where it lands.    I think,....  i hope ....you will understand..   

We do swap bandages  now and then, and the one you sent me in my hour of need, .... Its the most beautiful field dressing ive ever received. Thankyou maddison.   I think of you and your struggles with every train,  cat,  or rainbow,  i see or imagine.      You have, and are,  a beautiful soul.

   Tonys moonbase one

[maddison]

Hi @tonys so good to read your letter now. I might be having one of those days where my autistic mind is playing circus music. Please excuse if I don't sound clear or articulate.

I'm glad you wrote the things you did. For a few reasons.

I do very much understand about worrying where our traumas fall when they spill out. (They come out for a reason) I will never understand or process what you have been through. Thankyou for your kindest words & gratitude for the bandage I sent you. I am dumbfounded (most of the time!) at how any of us can support one another. What possible response is there?

We are not that dissimilar. I grew up in a home, where we had Christmas presents, dinners, a trampoline. I am the child of a mother who grew up in horrific circumstance, like you. Seeing us happy as kids was unbearable. 

My childhood provided a sense of stability? I carry lots of her trauma.

I will take your advice & leave that box packed- It's not mine to open anyway. For as long as we are chatting, I have no issue with you unpacking whatever falls in front of you. I wanted to let you know.

Did you meet with the suits? That's huge @tonys Many many survivors, (my mother) will never find the courage in this lifetime to face such a thing. The strength it must take - it is beyond my understanding.

I understand if you need @tonys time to settle back in to farm routine. I might continue to write to you regardless! 😊

Soooo...I spent the last 2 days colouring my hair. 

The first day - the day you sent a letter about rainbow hair - I wasn't pleased with outcome. It was too orange for my liking. Day 2, I added violet & pink. The water in the shower was a beautiful magenta against the white floor. The end result is darkish violet & maybe pink sparkle 💜

I'm unsure if I've opened any magic doors. I did blow the globe in the bathroom.....🌈

You do whatever you need mate. Thanks for your friendship. I need it.

[tonys]

@wordman   .   Hello wordman,   I do hope you are well and i thankyou for your well intentioned letter..      Yes ,   I've seen more than some , and less than others.        Look at Ukraine.

I better clarify a couple of things in case you may have have seen the picture i painted in an unintended light.

I've never been to church,  too shy,   however i have much respect for those that do,   It has saved many people from a range of addictions, poverty, and given most people a purpose.

My concern was those that use it as a      'platform to take the higher ground' .   or in my case a cover for criminal activity,  too much war and conflict,  and the over use of it to garnish political support and power.  In short,  hypocrisy.   There is good and bad in every organization..   But i respect all faiths that have equality and kindness as there core values.

I try to practice a religion called ...'be thoughtful'  ...   I'm still a work in progress

Now for the hard part.      I have a rescue dog called swamp thing.    Huge , growls like bear, a charge and a bark like a rabid beast,   long hair cover in mud,  Your average nightmare.  When he catches his trembling victims ,    he covers them in big sloppy kisses.   He is a big sook .   Things are not always what they appear.    sooooo,   in the nicest way i can put this,  may i suggest that if if i was to venture into another persons feelings basket ..     i would ask them first how they felt......

Bitter is a strong word and its not something i can feel because of my brain injury / autism.

Whilst i have had to give statements and be and provide testimony in other victims trials ,  i never considered   it a healthy pursuit for me.  My previous letters were about offering another angle to you, on why people don't always    ' say the right thing'     , in these forums.                I used the road i travelled and my mental health issues as an example,  and perhaps pen my work is a bit too colourful and gave you the wrong idea. 

life for me these days is way more gravy than turnups.  Like many i get lonely, and reach out now and then,  or just like sharing.      If i only shared my sugary sweet happy days,   well it could get boring.  So please ,   don't go thinking i'm bitter..  There is just enough pragmatist in me to negate that.

I hope i presented that in the nicest possible way ,without offence,      One day i do hope you will regale me with the parts of you past you are happy to share and i always like hearing another point of view.    

Thanks for ...........   listening..                 tonys moonbase one.

[wordman]

@tonys Hello Tonys. Thank you for your response. I am pleased to hear you are not bitter about your experiences in life. Your religion "be thoughtful" has a lot of resonance with me. It is a wonderful way to live life. Unfortunately hypocrisy exists amongst many of societies conventions and institutions. I am glad you are a pragmatist. You are right bitter is a strong word to use, my apologies. I should have understood you better. My experiences have lead me to understand one thing. Salvation and redemption can only be achieved through Christ. Not doctrine or religious affiliation. I am not religious nor am I preaching. This is what has helped me to recover and become the person I am. Through reflection and asking pertinent questions I have received my answers. Answers to questions that I have pondered. What is my calling in life ? What is the meaning of my life ? These are just two of the many questions I have asked. My recovery comes from a place deep within my soul, my heart, my mind and my body. I have had a fantastic spiritual journey. Throughout my recovery I have remained true to our Lord Saviour and God. This is what has kept me going through the dark times. Psychiatrists were of no help to me whatsoever. It is time the world properly understood Christ and God. Religions of all faiths have failed to achieve an understanding of God and Christ. Keep in touch. I am immensely enjoying your writings. 

Kind Regards

Wordman 

[maddison]

Hello @tonys @wordman 

Quickly wanted to say thankyou for being so kind and honest with each other. It is an uncommon event for me to witness in my own life. I believe in the place that both of you are coming from, as I see it. It truly does my heart, mind & soul good to read the sharing of your ideas with graciousness. 

Thankyou @wordman for replying to my previous post

To be whole again 

- I didn't have a chance to reply.

I liked everything you wrote. 

Begin to understand from where such negative thoughts come from. Only then can you not be influenced or driven by negativity of any sort. 

This stood out to me most. 

Like @tonys - I don't claim to be anything more than a work in progress.

I can't help but notice, that each of us find each other here (on the forums) at the point we need. I am encouraged by your summaries of your own recovery & grateful to you for sharing your insights.

For myself, the source of these negative thoughts is possibly surfacing - this is causing chaos!

Many days are difficult & overwhelming. - I think perhaps that is where I lost pieces of my eternal optimism. I would like to fall back into what was easier... What I knew...I sense it is far too late for that. This new path (my path) is 'gently yelling' directions to me.

Thankyou for your support. 💚

@tonys I will reply to you properly ❤️

Wishing you both the best.

[hanami]

Hi @maddison 

It's so nice to see members supporting each other so well. I do hope things improve for you soon. It's been rough for you lately. I always find this time of the year exacerbates any issues too, with the overwhelm and pressure of the 'festive' season. 

Sending hugs

Hanami ❤️