Lived Experience Forum

[Twilightsomniac]

Some days are just harder than others

But we we somehow survived whatever life throws at us 

But what happens when bads days turn into weeks and then months

How do we  cope with no light at the end of the tunnel 

How do you turn darkness back into sunshine and colour 

How can you focus on positives you can't see

But everyone just says I'm overreacting 

But they clearly ain't stuck in the same tunnel as me 

Because they can't hear my screams

Or maybe it's just the screams in my head

From the demons that haunt me

But even when it silent I still hear my thoughts echoing 

I retreat inside myself to try and find relief from this torment 

Every time I slip a little further from reality 

What's happening to me 

Will somebody help me

[Appleblossom]

@Twilightsomniac 

Beautiful poem.

I have often been insomniac and love your name including that subtle mix of light and dark ... the twilight.

There is a concept of the Long Dark Night of the Soul.

Mine lasted a long time, and I really never thought I would see the light.

I believe there is a lot of power in the different arts especially in helping us express various aspects of ourselves.

I am a little nuanced when I use concepts such in, or out of touch with reality.

I see it more in a psychosocial sense (that new buzzword).  Sometimes we need to go so deep inside and lick our inner wounds and come to terms with our circumstances, whether they be in current time, or during formation years.

For a long time, now I have respect for darkness in a positive way. Eg., The darkness in a rich fertile soil that is not too sandy or red with clay.  It produces.  Sometimes darker light can be a haven from too brutal a searing spotlight. It can allow us to rest. I love the moon at night or the shade of a tree. Of course there is a balance needed and sunshine has its wonderful side too.

Each person's soul journey is unique.  Wishing you the best in yours.

Apple

[Twilightsomniac]

Hi @Appleblossom,

Thankyou for your reply 😊 

I didn't really think to much about my user name  just I have insomnia and I like the term Twilight. But like like your take on it.

I've had a lot of down/hard days lately and writing helps me I don't personally think that what I write is poetry considering what I got taught at school about poetry I kinda hated that aspect of English class

But I just write the way I think and feel at the time.

When I talk about losing touch with reality I'm referring to my DID, I spend a lot of time internally letting other alters run the show because it's easier but the more I shift back the harder it is for me to come back forward.

I find it scary when I get comfortable with the darkness because as weird as it sounds at least I know what to expect it's just that constantly being in a dark place mentally is draining and takes its toll. 

But I'm not completely alone I have my hubby and son and other support people. But I find that I have trouble relying on other's to help especially with the way I grew up as I was the one everyone else relied on and now I cant help them the way I used to because I need help and I've ignored or pushed my needs away for a long time. But some of them dont seem to care.

Anyway I'm babbling now but thankyou and hope you are doing well 

[Appleblossom]

Made sense to me @Twilightsomniac 

Also as a woman, wife and mother, relational modes are primary.  Maybe we divided ourselves up to be there for the different people in our pasts, and maybe some consolidation of an individual unique self, will help over time.

[Shaz51]

hello my @Wanderer , @Appleblossom , @Silenus , @Twilightsomniac , @petrichor , @BlueBay 

[Shaz51]

Hello @Silenus , @Twilightsomniac , @Appleblossom , @petrichor , @BlueBay xx

[Delicatessen]

Hi Everyone

What a lovely thread! There are some very talented souls posting here.

I just wanted to shout out that I’ve only been posting fairly regularly for over a year or so. I found it difficult to contribute at first as it took me a while to find my own groove and get over the fear that I wouldn’t fit in.

Now that time has moved on and I’m persevering I am finding the actual process of writing my thoughts about “stuff” has become a necessary part of helping me to unpack what’s in my head.

Moving from the anxious and incredibly emotional to a calmer space where even looking at my own words provides me with some much needed reflection and sanity-check.

I cannot believe how confronting it is to see what I really think (sometimes it’s just awful). First drafts can be less than ideal. But I do have a rule to “play it straight” for myself. It also means that many of my posts take a great deal of time as I want to get them “right”.

And so I guess there’s power in the written word.

[Bronya]

I have always loved to write. From my earliest school days I enjoyed putting my thoughts and experiences down on that fresh, clean, waiting page. Later I realised that I could express myself more easily on paper than I could when speaking face to face with someone. When, later still, it became apparent to me that I was different from other people in various ways,  it became more important still to write. That way I did not have to share my words (and therefore my thoughts) with anyone and so did not have to face the unexpected surprise, shock, resentment, anger, disgust or other frightening response that might come from them.

I found that I could not understand other people. I could not predict what reaction they would have to my always well-intentioned words. Becoming increasingly self-conscious, I communicated less and less by speaking. I was protecting myself from the hurt of others - those whom I knew did not understand me. I became aware that others thought me odd, stand-offish, arrogant, self-opinionated. The result was, though, that I was becoming an isolate, a social recluse, super-sensitive and self-protective at any cost.

It was much, much later that I finally learned from a therapist that my "oddness" was in fact a personality disorder, of genetic or other cause, for which I myself was not to blame. But blame and misjudgement I surely suffered: from family members, ashamed of the stigma that I had brought upon them; from work colleagues who found my mood changes uncomfortable; from doctors who concluded my constant concerns about problems of dizziness, nausea, stomach pains and chest palpitations were signs of my hypochondria.

The depression that flew in and flew out of my every day for many years has finally turned into a dark. threatening, ever-present cloud that chokes my view of the sun and stifles light-heartedness and joy. My struggles, finally, have dragged me through to old age. I am now an octogenarian, an old woman -  isolated, reclusive and still "rather odd."

For me it is worse now than it was through all those years before. Today I do not have the highs in between, none of the delights of being fit and confident and capable of doing ANYTHING. None of the pleasure of coming inside on so many days from the fragrantly abundant garden, my self covered with perspiration and grime, but knowing that treasured, wondrous place was as perfect as I could make it in the eight hours I had just toiled there.

Writing is my main form of communication, now that I am elderly, frail and living alone with my dog.  I am suffering considerable pain from back and hip problems, struggle to walk, contend with the multiple problems of IBS - its stomach aches, nausea and discomfort. But that old, BIG problem is ever with me, for I am "odd". I have borderline personality disorder.

Fortunately, my dog loves me, just as I am.

[toodles]

Hi @Silenus 

So good to see you're back!! 

[Patches59]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been skimming over some of the poems and will read again once head not feeling foggy.  Some wonderful talent in these ‘pages’.

writing for therapy …. I don’t do poems, I write my happy memories which helps me