Lived Experience Forum

[Teej]

Hi @outlander , @Sans911 , @Snowie , @Faith-and-Hope , @NatureLover @and all passing through.

@Sans911 im sorry you are going through a hard patch. I can identify with this feeling. I'm hoping you are passed feeling this now but I know you may be still feeling heavy with it.

I just feel very broken and unfixable at times lil Sis. And that services/professionals/clinicians don't know what to do with me. To most people I look and act fine. So I must be fine, right? But I feel like I'm so flawed, so imperfect and living with these feelings all my life is no longer sustainable.

---

I still go through these feelings constantly. Last week I did in a big way. Sometimes I think the older we are the more we feel like the changes we need will never happen. I have a psych appointment tomorrow and am struggling with going in with the same old stuff but know that nothing will change from that appointment. Sometimes that's the hardest part and it brings shame. These are the ruts that are deep and don't let us see where we've come from. They don't let us see progress only regress. I have a masters in it 😜. 

I am petrified of my future still. I know I am so far behind my peers and that brings the shame and overwhelm cycle in full swing. .....BUT I have spent a lot of time lately trying to work out what I need to do to change. I think I always thought change will come from my mh support team. I think I finally understand that it has to begin with me. You might not be the same as me (chances not) but I thought I'd write this from my recent experiences. For me I know the things that create the holes and voids in my life. They are the things I have to keep asking for help with if I'm to get through this. I don't think there is anything wrong with asking for the same help over and over if we can't change it without support. They are very different from yours. I wish we could meld our strengths.

I have a written agenda that I give my psych every time I see her. I have a copy and paste formula. It goes something like this

• My past weeks
• current stresses
• things that have been on rotation in my brain
• things that came up from the last session
• questions about anything to do with understanding myself, diagnosis etc
• medications
• things from past sessions not yet resolved

some of the things not yet resolved have been on there a year. Most things take months before I resolve them. I was so frustrated because she never tried to go through these and just read them without response. I fairly recently worked out that she is waiting for me to resolve them or make a big point about something. If I bring a point up from that list she'll say something like 'I've been wondering about that'. At first I would feel let down but now I get why she leaves it. It's because there are too many things already. If it becomes really important they usually come up in the earlier sections like current stresses, things on my mind or questions. I guess this is why therapy takes so long to get somewhere.

Up until this afternoon I was going to rock up tomorrow with no agenda (first time in more than two years). It was because I was feeling like she knows everything and nothing will ever change. I'm broken and unchangeable. Writing this post to you has helped kick my backside into gear. I'll write one for tomorrow knowing all that but knowing change takes sooooo bloomin long. 

Big hugs. 💜🤗

[outlander]

@Teej really good to see you popping up 💞
@Sans911 💜

[Snowie]

@Teej I like the idea of writing an agenda for the pdoc. I might try it next time I see my pdoc.

I can also relate to so much of what you have written.

@Sans911 💌💌💌

[outlander]

@Sans911 💜💜

[outlander]

How are you @Sans911 💜

[Sans911]

Not so good lil Sis @outlander

[outlander]

Want to talk about it sis? @Sans911

[outlander]

Ive made a nice hot chocolate and have a sppt on my lounge with a fluffy blanket if you want to join me @Sans911 💜💜

[Sans911]

I've just made a Milo too so yes, I'll come and join you @outlander.

[outlander]

Im glad to have your company @Sans911
Is there anything you want to talk about tonight?
I dont know how helpful ill be but im always more then happy to listen. I know youve got alot on lately