Lived Experience Forum

[BlueBay]

Hi everyone

I have been thinking about this for a while now and thought I would write it on here.  As a lot of you already know I have been struggling the effects of childhood sexual abuse, depression, anxiety, BPD.  As well as this my parents disowning me after I disclosed my abuse to them.  I have a very controlling and manipulative mother.

At times when i feel like my life is just okay i start to sabotage it.  I will ring Lifeline often; i will come on here more often; i will write to moderators; i will stop taking my meds; i will sh and tell Lifeline about my suicide thoughts; and I think I do all these things to:

1. get back at myself for not being a better person
2. to get back at my parents, to show them how hurt i am and make them feel guilty
3. to seek help
4. a cry for help

I am really scared of getting better (i know this isn;t going to make sense and I may sound really stupid for saying this) but i do get very scared and fear getting better because i know i will lose my support people.

in my head i know that once i am better, they will say to me 'okay you are much better now, we don't need to see you.  

Am i attaching myself far too much to my support people? is it because i have been abandoned by my parents that i fear everyone else will.

My psychologist mentioned something this week - that i am a risk taker.  I am doing things to 'see what will happen'.  And this is a cry for help.

but i don't see myself as a 'risk taker'.  

I see myself as a lonely, scared woman who has struggled for such a long time with depression, anxiety and the trauma of childhood abuse.  i see myself as a very lost girl, a girl who doesn't know much at all about life; was never spoken to about life or shown anything by her mum.  i see myself as a girl who lost her childhood - and this is making me really angry.  I have lost a lot in my life; i have lost friends, childhood, family, cousins. i have lost myself that little girl that just wanted to be alone under her doona.

Tears flow for this girl.  Forgivness - not.  how do i forgive.  how do i forget.  how do i let it all go.

i just can't.  the tears are too much. the pain in my heart is torture; it;s like it's killing and tearing my heart apart. my throat is raw from the pain.

i need to stop.  i am sorry for writing this. i just needed to vent.

[Zoe7]

@BlueBay

There is absolutely no need to be sorry for writing what you have - it shows immense courage to dig down deep inside yourself and expose your innermost thoughts and feelings to others. 

Sometimes when things seem to be going ok we wonder when it will end - as it seems that every good thing in our lives have been followed really quickly by something 'bad'. This is what I call 'the pattern of my life'. So it is inevitable that the negative thoughts enter my head directly after something nice or good has happened as this is the pattern and behaviour that I have learnt from childhood. I suspect this is very simialr for you. 

...the little girl is still inside you reaching out for help and support and knowing that it isn't coming from where it should be - your family. You search and yearn for that comfort, support and help and reach out to find it anywhere you can. You do then get attached to those who support you as a replacement for the 'family' that hasn't. In a sense, these people replace 'your family'. This I believe is a natural reaction to the losses you have felt and the need to be nurtured - something that was never resolved for you as a child. If one is not 'allowed' to be a child and the needs of a child are not met through each of the early developmental stages then later in life they do not have the appropriate skills to deal with such massive issues as you are dealing with. 

Bear with me here - if you can - I am going to address each of your 4 points separately (from my persepctive...)

1. get back at myself for not being a better person 

You 'learnt' from an early age that your were worthless and could be used and abused by many people - this stays with you your whole life as instead of being able to live a carefree and happy childhood and feeling wanted and loved, you have endured pain, hurt and humiliation from adults who should have been your protectors and not exerted their power and control over you to make your feel like a 'bad' person

...so you are not a bad person - it is just circumstances (and 'people') that have constantly 'put this thought in your head' to satisfy their own sick and deluded existence. As with any learned behaviour - it has been re-inforced over time by many people and the little girl inside of you has gradually started to believe it and accept it as fact - IT IS NOT. 

2. to get back at my parents, to show them how hurt I am and make them feel guilty

To be let down so badly after disclosing such pain by your parents - your mother in particular - is not only unacceptable but heartbreaking. To know that you weren't protected when you were young and then to be so aggressively dismissed when you 'told' what had happened, tears your heart apart. It is hard enough to go through what you did but to then know that those who raised you and were 'supposed to' love and care for you turned the pain to themselves and dismissed where you were 'at' would certainly make anyone want to return that hurt. Do not feel guilty for this - the guilt should lay with those (parents) who did not protect you, care for you and then support you - unconditionally and without a thought for themselves - both as a child and as an adult.

3. to seek help

You seek help because you need help - it's as simple as that my friend...

4. a cry for help

When you have constant negative thoughts and feelings inside and you do not know how to deal with them you do cry out for help - again - it's natural. This is your way of trying to cope with unimaginable hurt and pain for you. I don't see it as a cry for help - but as a way to ask for support to get you through the tough times - sometimes all so consuming that you cannot see the way through.

I understand that you feel that you are scared to get 'better' because that would also mean that what has happened to you - and moulded you into the person you are - would also no longer 'be there' - that in essence you would lose 'who you are' - does that resonate with you?

I believe that your 'need' to attach yourself to your support people is in a large way the result of being abandoned by your family - where else are you going to receive the support, care and sense of love that you have lost - that is a massive thing to happen in your life and you are doing what you need to do to fill that huge gap that has been left. Over-reliance on 'some' people can also lead to being 'let-down' but if it fills that gap in the interim then that is what is needed to help you move forward day by day. 

Inside you there is still that very hurt, very lost girl who has had her world turned upside down and had to deal with it on her own. You are still that lost girl but you are also a very strong, capable,compassionate, sensitive and resilient women - you have had to be to get through life and to achieve as much as you have. Tears should flow for this girl - as so much was denied her and she endured so much pain that no child should have to - and tears also flow for you - for the little girl trapped inside you and for the wonderful woman you have become despite what happened to you.

I am not only sitting on your should today but also sending you part of my heart to help heal that part of yours that is in pain 

Sending you all my love @BlueBay

Zoe 

[utopia]

@BlueBay. Well done for posting this thread. Can I pick up a particular issue that I am currently dealing with.
Transference.
It is often very common for patients to transfer an issue with a nother person - eg your mother - onto another - eg your therapist.
The need for your mothers approval and love and support could be transferred to your therapist - eg seeking their support and validation.
Transference isn't necessarily a bad thing - as it shows you a place where you are 'stuck'.
Fear of being abandoned by your therapists - just as you have been abandoned by your mum.
So what happens when you get better and no longer 'need' all this support?
You will find that each of those support peoples spots are filled with other people. New friends. Old friendships rekindled. A teacher - yoga or art etc.
As you move through healing - you will not be left alone. As other people and activities fill up the spaces.
The thought of healing can be scary - because you are still looking at it from a 'I'm unwell' perspective. So it is hard to see what will fill those spaces. But they will be filled.
In your case I imagine them being filled by an even closer relationship with your daughter and with your husband. With the Grandbaby. With new Grandparents you meet at the park. With people who want to buy your knitted bags or scarfs. Etc.
You will not be left with empty voids. That's what you are experiencing now.
Those voids will be filled.
Much love to you. ♥♥

[Former-Member]

Hi @BlueBay,
I thought I'd share two things I connected with your post. Firstly I self sabotage all the time. I don't necessarily always see it at the time but recognise it later. I don't eat, take meds, do things to make it worse. I've talked about it with my therapist and for me it comes from fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of not being good enough, fear of abandonment. I'm sorry that I can't help you though as I haven't overcome it either. It's a strong force inside me.

The second point I guess I connected with is that regarding my mental health support. I don't cope if I can't feel that support beneath my feet incase I trip. I hate this part about me but acknowledge it's there and I need to find a way to walk this earth without having a safety net below me anymore. As you know I have levels of dependence, my diagnosis being dependant personality disorder. My therapist is encouraging me to work with that though not work against it. She is counting on that when I develop enough skills and self condfidence the dependence will lessen and I'll be able to move away from my support systems. For me this is my goal, to be autonomous. I have a dependence on the forum and other supports. I really don't like it but I know when I tried to fight it it was worse. So for now I'm often a young child while I'm trying to grow up and sometimes that's debilitating and sometimes I can go with it and move on. I also think this massively heightens the fear of abandonment especially from the only people we trust in this world, our mental health supports.
I hope this helps. 💜🤗

[Zoe7]

@BlueBay I am still on your shoulder - feel my wings softly kissing your cheek and my strength holding you up so you can see the light 

[utopia]

@BlueBay. Do what you need to do to keep yourself safe tonight.
Use your comfort box. Use the tools you have. You are not alone.
♥♥♥

[BlueBay]

Hi @Zoe7 thank you for your reply.

You addressed those 4 points to exactly how I am feeling. 

It's hard Zoe, I still feel like a little girl locked up in a cupboard, not abler to speak. 
And now that I am older (adult) I can talk but I am still scared.  

I am hurting tonight.  i think i may have triggered myself from my own post.  How bad is that?

thank you Zoe for being here for me. i appreciate your care and love. 

Bluebay xxoo

[BlueBay]

@utopia I am SO SCARED of getting better, fearing the unknown of what my life will be. I am so scared of moving forward so i stay where i am because it's familiar.

I think you are so right in saying that I am 'attaching' myself to my therapist, GP, psych and even at times Lifeline because I have no 'family support' and fear that because i was abandoned by my own parents then i am 'holding tight' to my support people.

But i am also scared that they will 'get rid of me' instead.  this is so frightening.

yes, my life with a grandchild will be nice; but i think there is still this hole empty from my parents.

gosh, i do i get through all of this; move on;  i am an adult but yet still can't get through this stuff with my parents.

[BlueBay]

Hey @Former-Member

Thanks for your understanding of what i am going through and have gone through the past 7 yrs.

fear of abandoment is huge - it still plays on my mind daily.

I too have a 'dependence from the forum'.

You know I was 'thrown out' of a forum for being on there too often and after a few emails they decided to block me forever.  It is a major mental health organisation.  I was and still am shocked at their behaviour.  they are meant to help people with mental illness and yet i got thrown off.  not even a second chance, because i tried and they knew who i was.  so yeah another type of rejection, abandonment, thrown out.  Do you know how that feels; to be rejected by a huge mental health organisation.

I am sorry i need to go and have a break for a little while from here.  my emotions are rising and i am not coping yet again.  i will never ever get through thhis crap of my life;  i will never ever get better because there is always something.

[Zoe7]

@BlueBay I kinda thought I might have overdone it a bit in my post to you - must have taken an hour to read lol - but all four of your points I felt like I could have written also at some time in my life.

What you are feeling at the moment is probably a result of the release that you gave yourself by writing what you did. You still have that little girl inside you crying out for the love, support and care that she wasn't afforded all those years ago - she was not treated well and you still feel that now - that is very natural because both the adult you and the little girl inside has not been able to heal. It really is like the adult you has to help the little girl inside to grow, develop and heal but neither know how - and one cannot do it without the other. This is tough - and will take time.

...but I understand this and am here with you as you try to navigate your way through.

... still on your shoulder and still listening my friend