Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Shaz51]

sending you knowing, tender hugs @Gusday 

silence is deafening.here too at times my friend , it is hard and at times I feel alone

over time I have had to learn wait and let him talk when he was ready

that over time self care is important for ourselves

I saw you were visiting the "topic Tuesday" about feeling guilty

how do you feel and your thoughts

we are here for you xoxo

Hello @Former-Member , @Ali11 , @Lisek , @gyre , @Determined 

[Former-Member]

Mr Darcy does not say much either @Gusday, I learned not to rely on him for conversation. 

In some ways I felt I was a victim of his illness until it dawned on me that I was the one holding myself hostage to it. Once I became aware of this and realised that I was not helpless, I learned what supportive behaviour entailed and began to practice this along with self care, which was very hard as it involved getting over my fear of leaving Mr D on his own (he had attempted). I was able to take my life back in time variable increments. Looking after our own mental health is important, as carers statistically we are at risk of developing depression ourselves, I find the help of a counselor helps keep me on track on that front.

When hurtful things are said, it is hard not to take them personally and separating the illness is difficult, less so now that I am more aware.  Can I please also say some well meaning people suggested marriage counselling but when he was acutely unwell it was not the time for this.  He was not in a place to actively participate in contributing positively to any relationship let alone ours. What was necessary for us as a couple was that I got some psych education and that helped enormously as I was able to tell the pdoc about things that we didn't realise were in fact symptoms and this helped them with their diagnosis and treatment was adjusted accordingly leading to stability. He still has anxiety issues but is coping so much better over all; for us couples counselling became unnecessary.

[Faith-and-Hope]

For us, couples counselling is counter-productive.  I knew this, and was devastated when a counsellor for our son, who was a diagnosed patient, instructed my mr. and I to go to marriage counselling.  Mr. would not tolerate me revealing the extent of his illness, and has made it clear that he would react destructively to me doing that.  Attempts in that direction have been met with  destructive responses, and our kids’ mental health is in the firing line ......

Like @Former-Member @I had to reassess our situation from a standpoint of “what can I do ?” rather than “what can’t I do ?”, while bearing in mind that all things are possible, however there are fallouts and consequences to deal with / survive attached to some.

I had to disengage emotionally from he who used to be the love of my life, because he was no longer himself, and following an alternate value system.  I made the commitment to walk along with him for as long as I am able to, problem-solving as I go as best I can, and hoping that diagnosis and treatment happen for us sometime soon, as a result of his co-existing eating disorder probably.

[Shaz51]

Mr Darcy does not say much either @Gusday, I learned not to rely on him for conversation. --- same here @Former-Member , @Faith-and-Hope , @Ali11 

[Gusday]

Thankyou for the support @Shaz51 @Former-Member @Faith-and-Hope .

I agree definitely no marriage counseling, my Mr has enough with working on how to handle this disease and survive just for himself. He tries really hard by still walking the dogs with me and helping around the house when he can. Before this I could always leave him a list of stuff to do and he’d do it. Now he asks for things to keep him busy on his day off if I’m at work as he panicks if he has nothing to do to keep his mind off his thoughts. I am trying to walk alongside him for as long as I can too. So long as I have hope I’ll be here for him if it all descends into nastiness or verbal abuse most of the time then I’m out. I also had a better look at the flow chart that I mentioned and the “his” wife that I took to be me was actually in reference to our friends wife that we were to have tea with last Friday but had to cancel as Mr Gusday wasn’t up to it at all which was fine with me as I don’t want him attending things when he’s incapable/ exhausted. 

Thanks again every one for tips and support 

[Shaz51]

that we were to have tea with last Friday but had to cancel as Mr Gusday wasn’t up to it at all which was fine with me as I don’t want him attending things when he’s incapable/ exhausted.--- @Gusday , I have done this and cancelled at the last minute lots of time over the years

when I am away ( which is not very often ) and then when I  come home mr shaz is a mess

[Determined]

Hi all @Former-Member  @Shaz51  @Gusday  @Faith-and-Hope 

@Former-Member  you mentioned 

'In some ways I felt I was a victim of his illness until it dawned on me that I was the one holding myself hostage to it'

I have given this some thought and come to the conclusion that I am probably still at that point even though I thought I was passed it and able to move on. 

I wonder if for me being emotionally exhausted it is just easier to say I can't because ... rather than try and do something about it.  🤔   something for me to work on.

@Faith-and-Hope  I am also having to emotionally disengage as a form of self preservation 😕

We have tried marriage counselling but it was not very successful. There are things that should be addressed that never will be unfortunately. 

Like Darcy said I try to separate the illness form the person but sometimes wonder if the illness is just a good excuse for bad behavior.  Kind of over all the abuse. 

[Determined]

More so  when it seems that hurtful things are calculated and as some form of punishment rather than irrational reaction to a given situation. 

[Faith-and-Hope]

I can relate @Determined ..... there can be a sense of vindictiveness tied up in our situation.  I think it’s just another form of lashing out because of internal pain, but there comes a point where you have to say, “Stop right there.  I don’t accept what you are doing.  I know you are hurting, and I feel for you, but don’t take it out on me.  It’s not my fault either. There are other ways to manage angry / painful  feelings, now let’s look at what has been suggested for us to do when you’re feeling this way ..... (reach for a list of go-to options).”  Or simply, “I am going to take a time-out .....”

[Former-Member]

@Determined

I am aware that each of us have very different experiences with our partners and how MI plays out in their/our lives.  I can only speak of my own situation and how I felt which is completely different to yours and to the other partners here on the long haul.  

I know I am fortunate in having a partner who does show love and respect.