Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[lostconcerned]

Just now my mum gets a phone call from my middle brother concerning money that my siblings need for the family business to keep afloat yet again, and I'm the one who gets the moods and hatred afterwards. I have nothing to do with the business nor have I done since I was in my mid-twenties. My father wanted my sister and brother to have the business, it was a dying wish if you will. Anyway since the day Dad died they have took over and ran it virtually in the ground.

My concern has always been to get mum's name off the business as the company owner, as I always thought this could come back to haunt her. Anyway long story short, she has not been getting any income / assistance from the business and so far has shelled out 60,000 to my siblings to keep the shop out of debt...now it appears to be sold (and should've been at least 3 times before, but due to lazy legal errors and a greedy shop owner it fell through every time). Now they need another $7,000 tomorrow for the months lease and the new owners take over Wednesday.

Problem is I'm in the middle and feel indescribably overstressed about everything. My brother even went as far, as to say that I "have to be involved", despite my constant honest admissions that I can't handle everything anymore. I have depression / anxiety of my own and when it comes to mum's well being they aren't here to support me or their own mother what-so-ever...

Every time there is a problem in my siblings lives they come to the door, which doesn't do my mother any good either - be it financial, marital or otherwise. And in regards to the shop if mum doesn't pay off the debt she is the one who is chased up and held responsible...the gravity of which she doesn't comprehend / understand and thus it falls directly on to me.

I love mum, but she's so cruel at times. Tonight after speaking with my brother on the phone (harassing to pick mum up tomorrow early morning to take her to the bank to draw the money out for the lease) she comes back a completely different person...she says how she can't stand living with me...that I'm a burden to her, that I'm a coward (I rarely verbally fight back with her when she's like this, as most importantly I love and care about her...), she says that she hasn't been able to stand me for 10yrs now...

I am so sick of my life...it is NO life...it's really just a worthless, thankless, stress and angst ridden existence and I don't know for how much longer I can keep fighting through...my siblings get the best of my mum, despite all the drop at our door and I get the crap...one small gesture of help or a brief visit and they are praised for their efforts...meanwhile I do everything I can here and it's never good enough...

I appreciate all the advice and in theory it's all good material, but it's not applicable to my situation...at least not enough to make it better...

Taking care of mum has changed my whole world. I've helped support us for 12months...spent my life savings, because my mum forgets about the money she has available to her and I'm tired of arguing. She is so defiant and stubborn at times...it really effects things. I'm unable to leave her...unable to find work...ebay isn't cutting it sales wise...I'm really not in a good place.

Sometimes I could honestly just take off and disappear...but my consciousness, loyalty and guilt always gets the best of me...and besides I wouldn't have any money to do so now would I... 😞

Mum's just returned after a sudden and unpleasant departure 20mins ago and asked if she wants me to sit up with her for a while...her way of apologising...or perhaps she just doesn't realise the impact of the things she says...I'm just really tired and feeling alone right now...

[Faith-and-Hope]

It sounds like a really rough deal @lostconcerned.  

I don't have any practical advice to offer you, but I would like to encourage you to see past this pinch point which is really impacting you at the moment.  Life is not steady, full of ups and downs, and some of this will pass.   You need to take good care of yourself in the meantime.  As much as you feel the need to consider everyone else, particularly your mother, consider your own feelings as just as important.

If you don't feel like talking, you have the right to politely decline the offer of company.

If you don't like the way you are being spoken to, you have the right to excuse yourself and go out to find other company, or simply go and do something you would like to do for yourself.

It is clear you are a very caring person, and as a caring person you need to make sure you are not being taken for granted.  Particularly if you are under pressure with anxiety and depression, you owe it to yourself to establish boundaries.  This might be difficult to work out by yourself because you are so closely involved and feeling injured.

I spoke with a psychologist for a few months to help find clarity in my circumstances, and talk through some coping strategies.   It sounds like it might help you to do that too.  Perhaps speak to your GP, and ask them for a recommendation ?  Your family need to respect who you are and your needs too,   These are some steps you can take towards making that happen.

i hope this helps.  Keep talking to us here.  Chatting will help you work things out.