Lived Experience Forum

[Em22]

I have been mentally unwell for nearly half my life, yet I continue to put one foot in front of the other, trying to move forward. A few years ago, I was very unwell. I experienced psychosis, suicide attempts, ECT, being sectioned... Now, I am so much better and the illness more in the background of my brain. It's still there, but more under control. But here's what I'm struggling with: To someone who doesn't know, I'm a perfectly normal, high functioning, busy person. To those who do know, I'm better than I've been in years and back to my old self. No one talks about what happened much. I feel like I've had so many messed up experiences but I can't talk about them. Like I was on a different planet, and now I've returned, but people forget I was ever gone, and don't talk about it. And sometimes I even forget. I'll be giving a presentation at work when the thought that I tried to walk away from this life, yet here I am standing here, pops into my conscience. Sometimes I feel like I'm not being competely honest when I don't disclose my illness to people around me. Should I tell them that I've lost 2 years of memories? Or that sometimes my behaviour can be explained by symptoms? It's such a big part of my life, but it's hidden. I'm dealing with the illness well, I'm very complient and have an artillery of coping mechanisms. But, I'm struggling to come to terms with what happened to me, what I experienced and what I did. Does this go away with time? Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? I've tried so many therapies in group and individual settings, and read what I can but I don't know what else to try.

[Mazarita]

Hi @Em22, congratulations on doing so well after a period of illness. What you have raised is a very interesting question. Stigma about our mental illness is something that most here would relate to. For this reason, it seems wise that you have been careful about revealing or talking about your illness with some people. We don't need to make our lives harder than they are. At the same time, I understand that not being able to talk about major experiences in our lives can be lonely. Possibly the wisest approach is to find a way to talk about these things in some circumstances, and at others keep your silence.

I wonder if you are seeing a psychologist. I find I can talk about things like this with mine, things I may not want to discuss with anyone else. Seeing her and being heard in this way seems to release some tension I feel about memories that arise for me, especially the more disturbing ones from times of greater illness. At other times, like you, I am not troubled by these memories and choose not to actively call them up.

There is also the possibility of continuing to find voice for what you wish to discuss here on the forum and find a release in that way.

Kind wishes, Maz

[Queenie]

Hi @Em22 and congratulations on reaching your current state of wellness. It is something I strive for myself. 🙂

Stigma can be a challenging beast. Because mental health has been cast in such a negative sphere for so long, it is often a case of "do I or don't I?" when opening up to others and disclosing about mental illness. For me, I've been open about it, often to my own fault, as I've suffered rejection and shame from a lot of people (employers, friends and even my own family). I guess my advice is to be choosy who and what you disclose. You certainly don't want to alienate yourself further (something I did) when the illness and diagnosis of illness can be isolating in itself.

Well done to you on your recovery, long may it continue!

[Former-Member]

Hi @Em22

I wholeheartedly agree with @Mazarita, that because of stigma it is sometimes wise not to disclose our past mental issues as this could backfire against us. It is not being dishonest - it is self preservation. Indeed, we have been through enough.

It is a struggle to come to terms with losing such control over our mind and life - it invoked a sense of helplessness in me that can carry over. Is that how you are feeling? And perhaps a sense of guilt about some of the things I did when ill? Not understanding exactly why my mind collapsed. Those feelings can provoke in me the anxiety "will this happen again?" As I can't go through that again fearing a relapse. That sense of vulnerability of fearing coming out of remission and not being able to talk about this with anyone who can relate. I feel alienated and inadequate. Is that what you mean?

If so, does this go away? I could answer that better once you confirm if I am on the right track above.

I like you have come a long way since my breakdown and feel stronger and cope better but the mental scars are still there and can be triggered. I deal with it by living in the moment only, not looking back. By doing my utter best each day recognising accepting I can do no more; by telling myself when my mind fears or worries about a possible relapse of future mental issues " I will worry about it then". For now I will live for the day. I live to find purpose and meaning in each day and grow leaving the last behind. I fight my hardest against the black dog. To see the good in each day regardless how small or against the odds. To love and enjoy life and be in "the peace of the moment only" - tomorrow can take care of itself.  To hold onto hope when things go wrong. Push myself as much as possible when feeling stuck. I just live for the now. That's how I personally deal with the after effects of my breakdown

[Lauz]

Hi @Em22,

You have recieved some wonderful responses here - stigma is a big issue that can really hold us back. I also noticed that you have spoken about your journey to wellness and how its hard to associate yourself with your past and be forthcoming about it while well. Tonight we have a Topic Tuesday event discussing recovery and our thoughts and feelings around this. I felt you may find it interesting so thought i would drop it in 

Lauz