Lived Experience Forum

[believeinme]

I have BP2. I’m doing ok, but today I can’t get going. It’s like I’m getting the flu, but I know I’m not. I know it’s my depression causing physical pain and exhaustion. I tell my partner, and it’s as though I’m saying the same old thing again. He can’t hear it. He doesn’t have the energy to care. I feel compelled to fake that I’m all good, but I’m not. I am not sure what to do with this regular scenario.

[Former-Member]

Hello @believeinme,

A very warm welcome to Sane. It is really hard when we are feeling depressed and have no one we can talk to that will relate to what we are going through. Sometimes those closest to us just don't know what to say anymore that will help. You have come to the right place here as many members are feeling the same way and can share with you what helps them. You will find many threads around the forum under lived experience where others discuss their struggles with BP2 that you are more than welcome to join in with. 

Do you see a psychologist presently that you find support from? I find just talking about how I am feeling when depressed helps. Please feel free here to talk here more if it helps you. Others will eventually join in 🤗

[Former-Member]

Hi @believeinme
That sounds so hard at the moment. I'm single and not a great one for understanding relationships at all so cant offer much advice but wanted you to know i hear you.
I do know that it is exhausting to fake the 'i'm ok' stuff everyday though. I find sometimes that after i finally get my kids to bed of an evening that i just kind of deflate or implode sometimes in to an exhausted mess for a while. i've stopped trying not to in a way these days and just go with it until it passes.. kind of. though not even sure that until now thats been a conscious thing. I'm not great at the whole self care stuff either but know that it would probably help! 😄 making some time for ourselves is important i think...
Hope you're doing ok

[believeinme]

I don’t even know why I try.

[Former-Member]

Hi @believeinme
Whats happening today? here listening if you feel like chatting would help. Take care

[utopia]

@believeinme
It's really hard when those closest to us, don't understand what our MI is like.
My psychologist called a family meeting, me, my son, my mum.
It was the best thing. Mum kept saying she knew all about my mental health and what I needed. My psychologist explained that in fact what she was doing was making me feel worse - thus feeding my depression.
I wonder if your partner will go to a counseling session with you - where he'll hear from an expert how MI manifests for you. How you can't help it & what support you need.
Has he read the literature on BP2? Has he asked questions?
It's okay for you to tell him what you need.

[believeinme]

Thanks @utopia. My partner is going with me on Monday to have a talk with my doctor and I. I think what you mentioned is part of my problem...he thinks that because he's read up a bit on MI that it's done and dusted, but it's far from it. I read up on it most days, have been diagnosed for 3 years and I'm STILL confused (plus, I had a few misdiagnoses along the way, too). I really appreciate what you said and how you said it. I feel that you get it. Thanks, believeinme

[believeinme]

Thanks to everyone for your responses.  It helps to know you're out there.  I have been very ill the past 2 days causing me to miss work.  My husband stayed home yesterday, and we had some heart to heart talks that have been missing in our relationship for ages.  My doctor wants me to consider rTRM (transcranial vibe therapy), but for my insurance to cover it, I'd have to be in the hospital about 7 hours a day, 5 days a week for 30 days.  I didn't love my inpatient experience with ECT so I'm not really feeling this option.  I'm not THAT bad (proven by my ability to get out of bed and type all you fine folks).  I hate missing work more than anything because it's the only "front" I have in my life that I'm normal and full functioning.  That facade of wellness is no doubt fading away now that I've missed a solid amount of work already.  If I get rTRM, I might lose my job.  I love my work.  It's the only thing that keeps me going a lot of the time.    

I got up today (around 2PM - but who's counting?) to repurpose some furniture and an old canvas.  I'm trying to stay away from Facebook, drink lots of water and use my mindfulness apps when I feel like crap instead of sleeping.  One thing I've found over the past 6 months is that my bed feels SOOO luxurious.  It's like I'm addicted to it, not even joking.  It's not always depression that pulls me to bed.  It's the only place that feels good.  Does anyone else have experience with anything like that?  

[utopia]

@believeinme that's hreat he's going to the doctors with you. Hopefully he will really hear what the doctor tells him.
You can't be fired from work for going to hospital for a month. It's against the law. If you need the treatment, it might be good to get it done now, so that your feeling better, quicker.

[believeinme]

@utopia It might be against the law, but I was fired from a job just over a year ago for needing to go into hospital for a month. They sacked me over email by writing to my husband. They said because they are a small organisation that they had no choice. Really horrible memories. Another time I was away for a month (not in hospital but being cared for at home under a psychiatrist 2x a week) a different organisation pushed me out. I wasn't sacked, but they made it really uncomfortable for me to stay. 😞