Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

A single memory can change a positive mindset to me feeling worthless, not good enough, not deserving help, not deserving anything good... I'm shaking and I get this pressure in my head and I feel so guilty and full of shame...

I have learnt how to come back to the here and now. I just find it so hard to actually believe myself when I feel low. It feels like an empty saying: I am not worthless. I am worthy. This feeling will pass...

This feeling will pass. I am sure of it. I just need to wait and be patient. I just don't understand how I can feel like this.

[Phoenix_Rising]

@Former-Member I don't understand it either...but I'll sit with you until the feeling passes if you like.

[Appleblossom]

No @Former-Member 

You are NOT worthless

Yes @Former-Member you are worth it.

I have the same thing with triggers.  Even at my son's concert yesterday, something about the twist of rope in the ad for the show

can plunge me straight back to my worst states in seconds.  my triggers are vareid and many .. but I am learning to call them out .. as mere triggers to a a bad state ... and they do loosen their hold on me .. it may only last 2-5 seconds.

I am learning that it is just a mind trick generated by fear .. my fear ..it is very deep but it is not the whole of me.

I keep working at limiting its hold on my imagination.  It is possible to reclaim a life after breaking down.

[utopia]

@Former-Member. You are not worthless. You are deserving of the best. ♥♥

[Former-Member]

I've had a night of unsettling dreams - I don't like calling them nightmares anymore. My dreams have changed, I'm fighting back, but it hurts so much. It feels like I'm going back in time and I remember why I didn't say anything, why I found my own ways of coping. I wake up constantly and there are no more tears. I'm just stunned.

[utopia]

@Former-Member. That sounds like a hard night. I'm glad to hear that in your dreams you are fighting back. As that is what you are doing in your 'wake time'. You are fighting.
Keep fighting. ♥♥♥

[Former-Member]

Good morning @utopia @Appleblossom @Phoenix_Rising

Hope you had a good night. How come you're awake so early @utopia. Are you not able to sleep?

I'm exhausted after last nights dreams. I think it's "good" but it leaves me raw and it brings back more memories.

I am scared this morning. Scared to be abandoned again, now that I am so raw and vulnerable. And I am sad that all these feelings from long gone are coming back to me. I am sad to know I felt like this when I was young. I am sad...

[utopia]

@Former-Member. I haven't gone to sleep yet. I slept in yesterday til 3.30pm. So couldn't sleep last night.
I guess when one memory is revealed - that other ones will follow. And it sounds like they are all linked. Is that right?
It's very hard when you remember being so unhappy as a child. Are you able to hug that child now? Or are you able to sit with being sad?

[Phoenix_Rising]

Good morning @Former-Member. I'm sorry to hear you had such a rough night. I slept ok...although I am going to have to work at not hanging out on the forums right up until bedtime. I really notice how I don't sleep so well after too much screen time. I hope you are able to do something nice today that will help your big feelings be a little less big.

[Former-Member]

@utopia

Do you always sleep during the day? Sometimes I would just like to sleep (or stay in bed) 24/7.

The memories are all linked and all shown me how worthless I am. Am I still worthless if I was worthless as a child and have not "achieved" what my parents thought my life should look like? I'm confused this morning.