Lived Experience Forum

[BlueBay]

Hi @NikNik @CherryBomb @utopia @Zoe7 @Owlunar @Former-Member @Former-Member @Shaz51 @Former-Member @Former-Member @Appleblossom and anyone else I have forgotten (sorry)

We have SOLD our house.  It was sold in an hour of two ladies coming to see it.  We got a really good price, actually the highest price we were hoping to get!!!  Today is the last day of the three day cooling off period, but the deposit has been paid, building inspection done and all good; ladies are very happy.

But I have mixed emotions: Why? I should be happy??

This house was my parents home before we bought it. And before that my brother lived in it for a while. (Just so you know brother was one of the abusers; and parents don't talk to me).  So there is a lot of negative stuff in this house.  Leaving this house will be sad and hard but at the same time I need to move to start afresh with hubby and kids.  Although 2 of them will be moving out this year.

It's scary; it's stressful.  No wonder why I can't sleep with racing thoughts in my head. No wonder why i am having horrible negative dreams of my childhood home where i was abused sexually (not this house)

We have never had to sell or buy a house on our own before as we have always bought our parents old homes.  So now we have sold on our home without the advice, support or approval of my parents.  Remember my mum is very controlling and manipulative and has controlled me my whole life (up until 7 yrs ago).

Now we have to buy on our own.  And this is bloody scary; times like this i wish i had my dad.

Gosh, so many mixed emotions.  i am typing this as i am crying, trying really hard to see what i am typing 😞

How do i move forward without having another breakdown and end up in hospital again. Because that's the way i feel i am heading right now.  My depression doesn't seem to be getting any better; i feel like i am going downhill. 

Thoughts of where do we move to; how on earth do we pack all our stuff up; what do i keep, what do i throw, what do i sell.  i guess i am lucky as my 3 kids are adults and i know they will sort out their rooms and will help.

but still this whole is so overwhelming i can't even begin to tell you.

The whole purpose of selling was to downsize the land; get good money for ours, buy another one and have money left over.  I don't know how we will spend on new home.  

But i do want to have a newer place for us; i want to chose which home i want and how i want it - not the way my mum always wanted us to have.

Any thoughts from others in how to calm myself down, stop the racing thoughts and be able to sort of enjoy this move; this new chapter of my life.

I really don't know if i can cope with all of this.

[Former-Member]

Hi @BlueBay, 

i went through this last year. It was horrendous but we made it. I really only had my 16 yr old to help me and my aging parents. 

I think I was like you with the racing thoughts and worry. I think once you start doing the actual putting things in boxes and ticking off lists you'll find it's not as bad. You are much better at this part than me. 

Im thinking @Faith-and-Hope will be good at helping you to get your brain into doing the practical things. Please know it's ok to feel the way you do. It is really stressful. Try to find those calming things to slow your thoughts. I know it's easier said than done. I'm not much good at it yet either. 

Congratulations and I wish you all the best 💜🤗💐

[Owlunar]

Hi @BlueBay

It's so great that you have sold your house so quickly this time - I have been away and not aware of what was happening this time - but it all went well - fantastic

Buying and biselling your house and moving are very highly rated on the stress-scores - after all this has been your home for how many years - and you have your controlling mother who wanted to babyfy you in so many ways - almost as if she didn't want you to grow up and become independent

Well - now you have - and I am sure if your mother found out she would have something to say - but you are learning in your dreams that she would be a negative influence -

Ah well - big tick beside - she can't - you have done the deed and wow - really stressful -

Yes - you do have to downsize - I have done this twice and yes - you do have to leave things behind - either ditch or sell them - it's not so hard - you don't have to do it all at once - you can put it into storage for a while until you find your new house - and keep the best and necessary stuff - with money left over you can buy some new stuff -

Knowing how hard this is - think of it as exciting - and adventure - every time you start to stress count backwards for a bit and think of a new place - and you can pick or choose without your mother having a finger in every pie

This is great news - and yes - change is hard for you - we know all this - and getting physically away from the past is a way of getting physically into a new future

Great, fantastic, marvellous, wonderful - I could go on

Dec

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @BlueBay @Former-Member @Owlunar ..... 🤗💕

@BlueBay .... Here is a post I made on one of the carer threads last night ...

Hi everyone .... 😊💕

I just wanted to add something into the conversation here ....

A couple of years ago I found myself experiencing panic attacks in a couple of different forms without understanding what they were. Once I realised (in the back of an ambulance) that while I appeared to be coping with the stress of our situation mentally and emotionally, my body was capable of enacting its own physical reaction, I also became aware of how it felt to have a panic attack spiralling.

Then I realised that it is sort of like a virtual vertigo (spinning head dizziness that makes you feel sick) so if I could virtually "hold on" to things around me it would likely disable this spiral before it had taken a true hold.

"Holding on" to things around me is the mindfulness .... smelling, really smelling the coffee in my cup .... feeling the warmth of the cup in my hands and closing my eyes to concentrate on that warmth .... tasting, really concentrating on the taste of the coffee .... looking with the thought to notice the colour of the coffee, like how milky it is ....

Like deep breathing, this helps me to be in the moment with my intellect, and calms my body's fight-or-flight response.

I hope this helps you to see a reason for the mindfulness practices @BlueBay.

@utopia has examples of breathing exercises she has placed on a thread called " BREATHING EXERCISE *  located under the Looking after our wellbeing discussion topic.  

Breathing to stop spiralling thoughts and for our general coping ability is soooo important.  It's the first step really, and if we reach for breathing awareness and deep breathing practices first, it can really stop things from escalating to the point of feelings so physically sick.

I am so glad to find @Owlunar with you here as well.  I know she is a good friend who walks along your blue bay quite regularly with you .... @Owlunar 💕 ..... and is here so quickly already this morning to hold your hand ....

i hope this helps @BlueBay ..... as @Former-Member said, as you get into the baby steps of moving house, things will calm down a lot for you on the emotional side.  Don't forget you are leaving terrible memories behind you with this house, from the people who have hurt you, but you will be packing all the good memories into those boxes in the form of all your family possessions, and moving them to the new house with you.

Once you lay all your precious, familiar things in your new home, you will see that your actual "home"  is you and your hubby and kids, and the special everyday things that hold treasured epmemories and make up your daily life .... and that travels with you.  

I have a friend who has moved house often.  Everywhere she went, she opened the boxes and out came her family home again,a d spread itself into their new living space.  Magic it is .... ❣

[Former-Member]

You'll be fine @BlueBay, deep breaths (x10 several times a day). Just start packing things you use less, a couple of boxes every day, one box at a time, one corner at a time and before you know it... Have a charity box close by as you go, seal it label it & put it in the car (talking to myself on this one lol). Be kind on yourself daily, it is what it is, maybe have a daily borocca with breakfast (for a boost - seems to help me). Glad you tagged me because I have similar stress scaling back here and the thought of leaving this house so full of memories with the kids... We have so many emotional ties don't we, surrendering each one gently as we go is the key I think. I had to get rid of a favourite lounge recently - this might sound funny but I kinda of gave it a parting ceremony - an invisible solute - a thank you for serving us well.
Moving is near the top of the stress scale so do take 'little me breaks' each day and before you know it you'll get there.
Sending g lots of light and love your way xox

[Owlunar]

Hi @Faith-and-Hope@BlueBay@Former-Member@Former-Member

I try breathing patterns - I change the pattern from time to time because then I have to concentrate more

I use this to manage chronic pain - I also count and change those patterns too -

One thing that helps for pain is holding onto some idea - maybe that these things pass - or hit pressure points - but pressure points probably wouldn't help with anxiety

Packing up to move - ah - I hate moving - how many times in my life have I moved?! - I have developed a habit of ditching stuff I don't want, need or like and it is a habit - I find the hard rubbish collection a blessing

Yes - BB and I live not far from each other near Port Phillip Bay - but we don't know each other or where the other lives - I think we can be more open with people when we have this privacy - we can open those deeper parts of ourselves and share more openly here - and this is a real blessing

We don't have to create a face to meet the faces that we meet

Dec

[utopia]

@BlueBay. Congratulations on selling your house and for getting top price.
Remember when it didn't sell at Auction & you and your husband finally sat down and talked about it. And you both realised it was marketed wrong and the price was too low. You were both right. And this proves it.
This shows me that together with your husband - you can make the right decisions. Follow this when you are looking for your next home.
Take things one step at a time. Go through the garage- what do you need to take with you? Start packing. Another room. What do you need to take? What do you want to take? Packs these into boxes.
Ask a friend to come and help you for a few hours. Enjoy the company of your friend. Have a laugh reminiscing.
Remember to do things that you enjoy every day. Walks along the beach with Jersey. Knitting. Colouring in or designing new mandalas. Catching up with your kids.
Balance. Yes you have a lot of work to do for this move. But you don't have to do it alone. And take time out for yourself everyday.
This will be a wonderful new chapter of your life.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Dec, @Former-Member, @Faith-and-hope - we're all here for you BlueBay. Big Group Hug, you can do this!

[Former-Member]

Hi @utopia, typing same time. Hope you're well? Miss you lately. Love your connection with nature and think of you often in my garden. Gentle soft rain here today, lovely, appreciate the verandah on days like this, still outside xox

[utopia]

Thank you @Former-Member. Soft rain is beautiful. Very soothing. I also love the sound of rain ona tin roof. And wwatching the birds find a puddle of water to splash in and have a wash.