Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

I'm sitting on a decision that I'm having lots of trouble making and I need to make very soon. I'm hoping someone might be able to share how they've managed to work through a similar thing maybe with study, work, friends etc.

I'm part of an program that starts for the year again soon. It has heaps of pros about it - it gives me a chance to give back, i get a sense of purpose, it's meaningful, fun, a source of connection, it's one of very few things I have left from before everything exploded... the list goes on.

The cons though are that it can be stressful and emotionally taxing sometimes. It's a minimal time commitment but it can be physically tiring too. Starting it but not finishing could let people down. Etc.

This afternoon I thought I had made my decision, which was to not go ahead with it and take this opportunity to really focus on getting to a point where I'm feeling better, but then I went to make the call and couldn't do it. The idea of losing another thing right now feels scary and I worry that it will have the effect of a bit of a crash. I'll feel like I've failed at something else. But the idea of adding anything more right now to my life which is feeling kind of like a delicate balancing act, is just as scary. I feel that being part of this could go either way.

I'm a bit stuck right now and any ideas on how to make this call would be really appreciated. Thanks

[Former-Member]

wow @Former-Member that's a really difficult one.  Because only you know how you feel.  The fact that you couldn't make the call indicates something stong there that is "telling" you to participate in the program again, but at the same time your other side is wary of the consequences.

Which one is right? 

Will you regret more that you didn't participate or that the risk is too high that it might push you over the edge?  If you do say "yes" and it gets too much surely those involved would understand you pullling out, so are you sure you can't say "yes" then address the situation if  you start to become overwhelmed?  Otherwise you won't know and you will just make the decision based more on a "what if" than an actual event.

Maybe the question is...   can you talk to someone organising the program to explain you really want to participate, but what would happen if your worst fears materialise and would it be possible to organise something to withdraw if it does.

That would be the best way if you could do it.  Then you have a little more information to base your decision on.

[Former-Member]

Thank you Tooky (@tookyspookims). The question about regretting not participating vs the risk of being pushed over the edge is probably what it comes down to. I will regret not participating and the risk of it being an overload is there but maybe not as high as it feels right now. But the consequences of reaching 'tipped over' seem too huge. I think that's it.

As for pulling out during it, because of what it is, while I'm sure I'd have understanding and support if I needed to leave it, it's definitely not something that would be a good idea to begin if there's a reasonable chance of not seeing it through (so hard to put into words that make sense sorry). So while it is an option, it doesn't sit comfortably with me.

I had an idea of how I might be able to stall needing to make the call for a few more days. Whether that's avoidance or taking my time to make a well considered decision, i don't know but it's that or completely ignore it and run away (again not such a great option).

I'm so frustrated at myself right now 😞

[Former-Member]

Well you have answered it yourself @Former-Member.   Well, narrowed it to what you need to answer it yourself.  and that is...

Q.   Is the fear of it pushing you over the edge stronger than what you will feel regretting you did not participate?

Answer that, and you have the guidance to the correct decision for you.

[utopia]

@Former-Member. Are you able to reduce the risks of this position 'pushing you over the edge'?
Are there ways of putting help in place - to recognise when stress is getting high and then reducing that pressure.
The reason I ask - is how you responded to @Former-Member indicates that this position offers so many positives to you and to your overall health and well being. So long as you can manage the stress.
Do you have a psychologist or therapist you could talk this through with. If not - would writing out ways you may be able to reduce stress / anxiety - help to determine if this is achievable

[Former-Member]

Hi @utopia and thanks for replying. Thinking about those questions I realise maybe it's less the stress that I am concerned about tipping me over, and more the worry that I don't have it in me to give as much as I would like at the moment. That I have days where just doing the absolute minimum seems almost impossible and on these days the last thing I can think of doing would be this. And that if I can't do it on those days, that I will feel guilty and like I am failing. That letting myself and others down more than I am at the moment is not something I could be ok with. 

As for working out ways to manage stress and anxiety, I have lots of strategies to work with, most of which aren't so helpful at the moment because it's more the blues side of things I am struggling with aside from those big flip out moments but I don't think they're that often, maybe. Maybe I have no idea anymore. It's all so messy and jumbled and all over the place that I can't see myself being able to function in any kind of way that could be good for people who don't absolutely need me (aka a few little people). With all the messy jumbledness, being able to concentrate and focus and manage to organise my stuff so I can actually even get to it seems too hard and makes me feel like I'm not sure what the point in trying is. It's all a bit too hard I think. 

[utopia]

@Former-Member. That is a different area of concern and I can really sympathise with that. Depression can be so debilitating and plays havoc with choices we are trying to make.
This 'organisation' where the program would be - is there anyone there you could express your concerns with? Or are they not aware of your MI?
I think there's 2 important things to look at.
1 - how would you cope if you did have to pull out of the program early? &
2 - how will you feel if you don't give this a go?
Don't know if that's helpful at all.
Will this program run again later this year or next year? Would you be able to participate then?

[Former-Member]

It's really hard @utopia. Living with both anxiety and depressive stuff (I'm really struggling with accepting MI) is making a massive mess on my ability to make decisions, see a future etc. Add circumstances into it and I get stuck in "no point trying mode". I want the depressive stuff out asap. I cope better with go-go-go than with sunk. Unfortunately it looks like I was running on too much for too long and the brakes came on.

The person who should know knows because I've been doing this for a couple of years and was in the program when life took it's nasty turn. It's moved locations and is accessible to me even though we moved location too. I'm able to go along and not 'do' it, but I'm a bit all-or-nothing with this stuff so I don't want to go if i can't do. I don't make life easier for myself 😕

I can't join throughout the year, so it will be next year. I spoke with someone today who helped me remember that there will be other opportunities waiting if/when I can get my life worked out a bit more. Maybe I can try to focus on that.

Thanks for getting it and thanks to both of you again for taking time to reply.

[utopia]

Let us know how you go with your decision @Former-Member. Not easy when we put such high expectations on ourselves.

[Former-Member]

I made the call to pull out of it this morning @utopia. I'm very sad.