Looking after ourselves
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06-11-2016 09:50 PM
06-11-2016 09:50 PM
Re: Coping with Christmas
Hi @greenspace Nice to meet you.
That is very sad that you have lost so many people that were close to you, no wonder you aren't looking forward to Christmas. It sounds stressful spending it with your aunty.
This might be a silly question, but do you have to spend it with your aunty? Is there someone else that you can spend it with, or is there something else that you can do? I understand that it would be very hard for you not going to be with your aunty and it probably would be very hard for you to tell her that you won't be spending it with her, but is it worth the stress?
I used to spend every Christmas with my family, siblings etc, even though it was very stressful. I did it so I wouldn't offend or upset anyone, especially my mother. When my father passed away at Christmas time, years ago, our whole family fell apart and Christmas time became more stressful and full of grief, arguments etc. Finally I decided that I wasn't going to spend Christmas with the family anymore, because I would become really emotional etc weeks before and after (I would fall apart afterwards, no energy etc).
It was extremely difficult telling my mother and even after years have passed, she still hopes and thinks that I will join in with them. I don't want anything to do with them, long story, but I have been very hurt by my siblings etc............. lots of dysfunction etc.
I have a hubby and daughter, so I am not totally alone, but it is still sad that we are alone. It gets easier every year. Last year we did something fun on Christmas Eve and on Christmas Day we were unexpectedly invited to someone's place for Christmas lunch. We had a nice day, instead of being depressed, it turned out lovely.
This Christmas I am going to make sure that we do something different again, so we don't feel alone and depressed.
Before last Christmas, it always was depressing, because everyone seemed to be with friends and family, except us. I'm not sure what we will do, but I will make sure we do something nice and different.
What do you think about not spending it with your aunty? It's just a thought.
Please disregard my suggestion if you're not happy with it. I just thought I'd share what I had to do to make life easier. I used to put everyone's feelings before my own, but it wasn't working for me at all. I was down in the pits, not worth it. I have my hubby and daughter to think of now.
Look forward to hearing from you.
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07-11-2016 12:11 AM
07-11-2016 12:11 AM
Re: Coping with Christmas
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07-11-2016 12:21 AM
07-11-2016 12:21 AM
Re: Coping with Christmas
I would love to get to the point where I can tell my aunt I'm doing something else for Christmas - some day...
I hope you have a good one this year, and you & your husband & daughter have a really lovely time
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07-11-2016 12:50 AM
07-11-2016 12:50 AM
Re: Coping with Christmas
It's such a difficult time for so many people. Sad that it has turned out to be so stressful for many.
I hope that somehow it can be a bit better for you this year.
Will there be alot of people at your aunty's?
Is there anyone you could pethaps take with you for support?
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08-11-2016 06:28 PM
08-11-2016 06:28 PM
Re: Coping with Christmas
Too much to even begin trying to explain @pip. I should start my own thread if I was to try. Thanks for expressing interest.
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09-11-2016 02:03 PM
09-11-2016 02:03 PM
Re: Coping with Christmas
The best thing we ever done was to " opt" out of the christmas rubbish of having to visit everyone, go to my family, go to my partners family. I didnt realise at the time as I wasnt diagnosed yet but those days were full of triggers, yelling, arguments, people backstabbing it was so toxic! (mainly my side of the family) so we told both our families from now we will come and see you for christmas before or after but as we dont have kids we dont want to get into the christmas thing as it stresses us out too much. They didnt like it at first but then when they saw we were not going to change our mind they were ok with it (mind you my family always gave me digs about it). This has made such a difference to us around christmas time no more stress!
Sometimes you need to give yourself priorty over these sorts of things and do whats best for you not what everyone expects you to do.
l learnt that the hard way spent most of my life trying to please my parents, never happened just caused me more grief.
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09-11-2016 02:12 PM
09-11-2016 02:12 PM
Re: Coping with Christmas
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09-11-2016 02:25 PM
09-11-2016 02:25 PM
Re: Coping with Christmas
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09-11-2016 03:41 PM
09-11-2016 03:41 PM
Re: Coping with Christmas
This is so true, and I think BPD we have this need for approval and that just feeds their already bad behaviour toward us.
Within my family there was so many expectations around christmas and new year. We had to go to my mums or grandmas, plus presents that they all just bitched about. Hell my father used to pick on my partner because my partner would not get drunk and drive me home, apparently to my father this was a bad thing he would have much rathered that my partner got blind drunk and drove his own daughter home like that - this was when we were in early 20's so still kids really. Everything was expected that they wanted, even to the point when my parents got divorced my mum wanted me to do another extra year of highschool even though I had passed with flying colors (always B & C student) so she could go straight on the pension. She actually called me at the time of 16 years old a selfish bitch for wanting to get a job instead of repeating a year at school that I didnt need to do. I was expected to put up with all the abuse because " he is your father" , she made me feel like I owed her , I had to beg to get my hair cut when at school becuase she was rather spend the money on herself (buying adress to go out with etc) It shook their world when I stopped and they could not fathom that it was my choice so the next logical thing was to blame my partner and tell everyone he is brain washing me!
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09-11-2016 04:29 PM
09-11-2016 04:29 PM