Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[JaneDoe1]

Hello.
My partner has started to talk about what he is going through. He had an episode two years ago and has experienced internal anger since. I have my own health issues which are well managed at the moment.
When my partner talks I just listen and ask for clarification if needed. He says talking is helpful and I'm curious if I could be more helpful.

[Lucky2015]

Hey @JaneDoe1

Well I don't know from a "professional" viewpoint, so this is just my opinion.

It is good to talk stuff out, so long as it isn't constantly ruminating over and over on the same thing (which can happen if someone is depressed). Asking for clarification is a form of active listening, so that is a good thing.

Its often been said by my wife "I don't need you to fix this, I just need you to listen." (Which is kind of hard cause I want to jump into fix it mode). And I know sometimes its the same for me.

I like that you are insightful enough, to see if you could be more helpful. That in itself says alot about you 🙂

[Mosaic]

Hi @JaneDoe1

That is a very interesting question you have posed to the community 🙂

For many people, just feeling heard is incredibly therapeutic. As a carer, I'm sure can be tempting to jump straight into *fit-it mode* to try and solve our loved one's problems. Especially during those long pauses in the conversation, it feels almost intuitive to jump right into solutions... However, I have come to realise that simply listening without any judgement or agenda is often far more helpful for the person who is struggling.  In actual fact, most people are actually quite bad at just genuinely listening. So much so that the art of "active-listening" is actually a fine tuned skill taught to counsellors and therapists during their several years of training. So my thoughts are, if you naturally possess this skill, then you (and your partner) are greatly blessed! 🙂

While that listening ear may not necessary "solve" somebody's problem, it does send a very important message that they are not alone. Having someone there who can listen is an important ingredient in recovery, as it allows people to feel supported. In saying that, after listening for some time, it can be useful to gently guide the conversation towards help-seeking and recovery-forcused behaviour. It can be tempting to talk about our issues just for the sake of it, without any intention to implement change. That is okay sometimes, but if it goes on and on, the conversations can go around in circles or move into an unproductive space that leaves both parties feeling frustrated, hopeless or disillusioned.

When you notice help-seeking and recovery-forcused behaviour in your partner, big or small, it is so important to acknowledge and celebrate it with them. This will build your partner's confidence in moving forward with their life, and find resolutions to the problems they are facing. It is a delicate balance to strike between active-listening versus problem-solving. However, if your partner has expressed to you that it is helpful, then you are most likely on the right track together 🙂

I wonder how others feel about this idea? Especially those with a lived experience? @Tyler01@Appleblossom @Mazarita @Jacques @kenny66 @Chris @chibam  @Former-Member @PeppiPatty @Billamba or any others please feel share to jump in with your thoughts.

Take care, Mosaic.

[PeppiPatty]

Dear @Mosaic

How are you? thankyou for adding me in this lady's @JaneDoe1 message. I don't like wandering too much because I have so much to do ......just in my little life .....I need to take care of myself and though I spend time on Sane forums.....it's for both relief and what to ........look at next.......

For many many years @JaneDoe1 I think that I've felt......ignored....invsible.... but when I get messages and .......information from the forums.....I feel....heard. When I first joined, I had an issues with Mum yelling at me. I had thought about it for years. I havent got the ...skills to know how to stop it. I have been to years and years of therapy and my Psychotherapist has even met my Mum and knows what she is like but....still we never really got around to how to stop this upsetting .....intrusion in my life. I feel like Im falling apart when she yells and I remember.....when I was a little girl I used to thinnk I was going to die. 

About a year ago.....One day, when she was having one of narcassistic tirades on the phone to me....I just said.....whenever you yell, you affect my daily mental wellbeing. She stops.  and I've had no problems until she has started up again recently. Now..... Im strong enough to put more things in place. 

See how I can even intellectualise it? But I didnt know how to....minimize/ stop it.

Because ....I got compassion from some people in Sane forums...they read my messages and even answered.....we are here for you. Write again. 

[Tyler01]

Hi there

You sound like a kind person and I think the fact that you are listening to him is helping very much and is one of the most importartant things you could do for him at the moment.  

When I talk to someone and I know that person actually cares about me that is all I need , just to know that they are really listeinng is all that matters.

[PeppiPatty]

Dear @Mosaic

How are you? thankyou for adding me in this lady's @JaneDoe1 message. I don't like wandering too much because I have so much to do ......just in my little life .....I need to take care of myself and though I spend time on Sane forums.....it's for both relief and what to ........look at next.......

For many many years @JaneDoe1 I think that I've felt......ignored....invsible.... but when I get messages and .......information from the forums.....I feel....heard. When I first joined, I had an issues with Mum yelling at me. I had thought about it for years. I havent got the ...skills to know how to stop it. I have been to years and years of therapy and my Psychotherapist has even met my Mum and knows what she is like but....still we never really got around to how to stop this upsetting .....intrusion in my life. I feel like Im falling apart when she yells and I remember.....when I was a little girl I used to thinnk I was going to die. 

One day, when she was having one of narcassistic tirades on the phone to me....I just said.....whenever you yell, you affect my daily mental wellbeing and I've had no problems until she has started up again. Now Im strong enough to put more things in place. 

See how I can even intellectualise it?

Because ....I got compassion from some people in Sane forums...they read my messages and even answered.....we are here for you. Write again.