Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Faith-and-Hope]

Agreed ❣️

@Former-Member

[Former-Member]

[Lauz]

This is a really good point @Former-Member - faking it until we make it. 

This is quite a common quote that I too think can be beneficial at times, pushing ourselves to be okay in the moment and then it can actually empower us to be okay as well. Lets us see what we have the capacity to do and the joy we can sometimes get that we hadn't expected. 

But you are right, it's important not to feel you have to do this - we can be human and it is natural to not always be able to 'fake it'.

How does everyone go when they have those moments where they have to decide to either push through and put a smile on their face or be honest and say no, sorry I am not okay or can't make it to that event or I need to have some time to myself? Has everyone found that pushing through can sometimes have a positive effect?

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Lauz

For me it depends on the how environment and whether ai am amongst people who support and nurture me.  My world is divided between people who are like this, and people who are emotionally harsh and hostile, ambitious, controlling, and with hidden jealousies.  “Fake it until I make it” only holds up under some circumstances, but a stoic politeness appears to work under almost all circumstances - with or without a smile, which is optional, and can be adjusted anyway.

[Former-Member]

"Fake it 'till you make it"

Hmm. As Dr Phil would say, there's some circumstances where we simply need to "require more of ourselves"   I call it 'pushing through' - work our Resilience muscles. 

BUT

Sometimes Self Care is necessary too. 

 I'm a 'giver' and always seem to be the one to go the extra mile. So, regardless how ppl imterpret my absence...  i take one day at a time, and if the company or event is going to be extra taxing - self preservation kicks in and  - i prioritise my energies to improve weekly endurance.  

Recently i had a cuz reunion among difficult rels - i didn't  go in the end.  Some are  annoyed about - not because i wasn't there but because i didnt take dad. Sheesh, most drive through our shire regularly, could easily drop in to see him but don't. 

Parents push themselves all the time for their kidz.  My dad called it  a "labour of love" ☺  Some things we just gotta do!  I was a sole parent many years,  and now a live-in Carer for my dad... So yes...  push push push!

Interacting with some - often i have to 'be polite' - bury me, push down my thoughts & feelings & bite my tongue 'till it hurts, yep - ush push push.

But we do have a responsibility to ourselves too,  most ppl have no idea what we carry,  or even show interest.  I'm over trying to impress them, or live up to a social expectation beyond my reach (with reoccuring cPTSD)

Having said that - depression and anxieties can distort everything - we lack confidence and don't feel up to doing much of anything...

Yet!  without some

resistence - our life

muscles lose strength.

[Determined]

Unfortunately @Lauz I have to 'fake it' and be happy all the time or every thing around me falls apart.  There are 2 or 3 people I work with who I can be real around and that's it. One of those people seems to be able to read me anyway so no point in faking it around them lol. (Has an understanding of MI so a healthy source of advice and encouragement). 

[Former-Member]

@Lauz all depends on what the invitation is for. 

More often than not I have been pleased I have made the effort and gone out but there has been the odd occasion where in hindsight I might have been better of staying home. Equally there are times I have been glad to have stayed home. I have learned to be comfortable saying no without feeling guilty. 

It is relatively easy for me/us to go out now, not so when Mr D unwell and I well understand that what @Former-Member says that it feels like us as carers are the ones who make the effort and indeed this is often the case. To have people visit us at times when going out was not so easy or an option was so very much appreciated.

As @Faith-and-Hope says that there are people with whom you are likely to feel that saying yes to an invitation to will result in an an enjoyable time out.