The lies, secrets and cheating from my bpd partner are destroying me.

[Janey1]

Can anyone relate or offer advice?

Ive just discovered sexy photos and messages between my partner and another woman and am totally shattered. Until recently he has always been very affectionate and I felt completely loved by him. I confronted him with this information whilst he was in a psych ward and he apologised for the photos but denied having slept with her, despite his message to his friend saying he has been seeing her. The following day after this discussion I did not visit him in the hospital as I was totally distraught and the following day he text me to say he was going to leave our home and relationship. Totally beside myself I lashed back at him, only pushing him further away. He was released from hospital after 2.5 weeks and has been unbearable in the week following..I tried to discuss this with him again but now realise it’s a trigger and he completely shuts down, gets angry and says he is going to leave which leaves me unable to express my pain and discuss how we can move forward. He is addicted to his phone and is on it constantly which send craziness through my mind as I wonder who he is talking to and in what context. He has many female friends that he shares secrets with and talks to them about his horrific childhood and no longer shares with me which is so hurtful and impacting my self esteem..this is exactly what he did when we first got together and I feel he is doing this again as he is preparing for our breakup..

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

How can I talk to him about this without him threatening him to leave?

How can I make him feel safe to tell me the truth..is this even possible?

In addition to all this, I’ve been dealing with my sister who has psychosis, and only a few months ago we were trying to get pregnant..everything has spiralled so fast and I feel like I am going to implode..

totally broken.

[Former-Member]

Hey there @Janey1 firstly thank you so much for reaching out and posting and please know you are heard, and this space is always here for you to seek some like minded peer support.

Regardless of your husband's diagnosis, a lot of the behaviour you're describing is very emotionally manipulative. You're a compassionate person and you love him, but you're right you definitely deserve a voice too, and to feel safe and heard within your relationship. Alongside your sister this is a rollercoaster of things to deal with on your own. Do you have professional support like a face to face counsellor? Also I would recommend you chat to one of the counsellors in our help centre on 1800 187 263. Our help centre counsellors can provide you with further resources as well

Would you be up for giving that a go?

[Janey1]

I have been seeing a psychologist but find it does not help a great deal..it allows me to get my feelings out but I still don’t have any idea how to move forward and feel stuck in this horrible place..I would be open to speak to someone but feel too emotional to talk right now, that’s why this forum is a good platform..the only thing is sometimes you don’t get any responses from people who can relate.

[Bwishes]

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@Janey1 wrote:

I have been seeing a psychologist but find it does not help a great deal..it allows me to get my feelings out but I still don’t have any idea how to move forward and feel stuck in this horrible place..I would be open to speak to someone but feel too emotional to talk right now, that’s why this forum is a good platform..the only thing is sometimes you don’t get any responses from people who can relate.

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Hi janey1, well i just signed up moments ago asking for advice and your post was the first post that i have read and im sorry to hear your story .. i can maybe share my story a little hope it helps .. my girlfriend  has only been with me for one year and she has only in recent months been diagnosed with both bpd and CPTSD, its been the push pull thing with us and she has slept with multiple if not more other men that she has admitted to me openly  while with me in the last year this  has been hard for me as i dont and havent agreed to this behaviour with her, we seperated for a few weeks for the third time and this time i wasnt coming back. She found me and we started again but i have set some boundaries this time and let her know i will not tolerate them being crossed, i am still here because i care for her a lot and have backed off some what .. she is trying and its going okay but ... im wary .. my advice to you is to let him walk if he keeps saying he will when all you want to do is discuss the issues .. if you can do this then if he comes back to you and chances are he will, then you plant the seed again and tell him your boundaries and no more cheating or you will walk .. confront him about his phone and tell him how this all makes you feel ... i hope you find the courage to maybe taking this approach, its the only way and is so far working for me 😊

[Ali11]

Sending love to you both @Bwishes and @Janey1  How are you doing now @Janey1?

[Janey1]

@Ali11 @Bwishes Thank you for your messages. It helped a lot to know someone else can relate. I am trying to find the courage to voice my concerns with my partner but Im worried that I am never going to get the answers I need. He has always denied everything and makes me feel like things are in my head which drives me crazy because I am not stupid. I am at a place where I feel the only way I can potentially continue the relationship is if he fesses up and tells me the truth and maybe we can work through things.  I am not yet ready to have this conversation, probably because I am not ready for it to be over but I know I deserve to be treated with respect and honesty. Hoping one day soon I will feel brave enough to speak out.

[Ali11]

We think that you are already courageous for coming on here and sharing your experience @Janey1. Have you had a chance to read through @Former-Member's post and give the number a call? With so much going on, it would be worthwhile getting in touch with someone to talk about how you are feeling and getting some help.  

[Bwishes]

Janey1 its really tough isnt it, i totally know how you feel, and i hope you didnt feel any pressure from my advice. I wish you all the best and hope it works out and if you believe it can then dont give up, theres lots of negative storys and advice on other forums that i have read, dont read into it, what i have learned is that my bpd partner reacts to my behaviour as well and if its not that great or lets say my reactions to her behaviour really effect her and the outcome so i try to be calm and not react and difuse any arguements we have as well as maintain my boudaries. I hope to talk to you soon.

[Janey1]

Yes I have read through but just dont feel I want to do that right now.  I have been seeing a psychologist on and off when I feel really low but I feel ok at the moment.  Its nice to know there is support there and I will utilise if I need to. Thank you for your kind words and wishes.

[Janey1]

Yes it extremely tough and I just don't want to waste another 5 years of my life with someone who cant be honest. I don't give up easily hence why Im still here, but I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him. Its such a horrible feeling, always questioning in your mind if they are lying to you...I kind of feel its a waste of time talking to him about some things because I don't know if he will tell me the truth...things are quite good between us at the moment except for all this business in my head which is only driving me crazy!