Ask Anything Monday: Have a question you feel too apprehensive to ask?

[NikNik]

Hi there!

Ask Anything Monday (AAM) gives you the opportunity to ask us anything that you may feel too apprehensive the community. We will post your question anonymously.

To find this week's question, click here

This is how it works:

• Email your question to team@saneforums.org  with Ask Anything Monday in the subject line
  
• Every Monday the team at SANE Forums will collate the questions that come into our inbox and post them in this thread. We will not attach your name or username to the question. This means that no one will know who has asked what questions.
• Other moderators and members will answer the question for you throughout the week
• A new set of questions will be posted the following Monday.

Anyone can send us through a question anonymously, so please, don’t hold back!

Please keep an eye on the thread, even if you haven’t submitted a question, you may be able to provide support or advice for another member.

Nik

[Linmerc]

What a great idea 'Ask Anything Monday'. I will try to keep my story and questions short.
My husband of 30yrs admitted in early Dec 2014 to having a mental health issue after I discovered he was having an affair. He saw a psychiatrist and is willingly taking medication. He has been diagnosed with major biological depression.
Since December I have discovered the following:-
. He was having several long term (5+yrs) affairs. He contacted these women several times a day.
. He stole family-company money to pay for an extravagant bachelor lifestyle (gambling, drinking) whilst his family (wife and two kids) went without. We have to repay this money.
He blames his actions on his illness but I find it hard to believe that he did not understand what he was doing was wrong (affairs, gambling etc) as he was doing these things for many, many years. I had no knowledge of his double life.
Could someone please explain how this illness can overtake logic on a daily basis. He believed he was not doing anything wrong. He says he was unable to stop the affairs. Could someone please EXPLAIN.
Thank you for your assistance.

[NikNik]

Hi @Linmerc

I'm sorry, I can't explain, but I am so sorry you've gone through this. I'm really glad you found the Forums and shared your experience though.

I can completely understand your feeling of betrayal.

I'm sure more members will jump in during the week and share their thoughts, but in the meantime I wanted to direct you to a great post by @CherryBomb where she talks about 'behaviour' vs 'illness'. You can find it here

Please take care of yourself and keep checking in for people's response.

Nik

[NikNik]

ASK ANYTHING MONDAY IS HERE!

So it's that time of the week again - Ask Anything Monday (AAM). As a reminder - AAM gives members the opportunity to send a question to us (team@saneforums.org) and we will post it in their behalf. The member won't be named.

We ask that other community members jump in a assist the new member with their question. So this week's question:

I’m 58 years and have a 32 year old son. My son has suffered from chronic depression for quite sometime. Over the past few years he’s been better, in a stable relationship (well what I thought was stable), and had a good job. But it’s all come to head, and his wife has left because he’s been gambling behind her back. He is now in debt owing over 30K and now living with us. He doesn’t work and spends most of his time online, locked in his room. I suspect he might be gambling. I try to encourage him to get out, and talk to people but he gets defensive and there’s excuses. He takes no responsibility for what’s happened.

I want to support him but to be honest, I’m feeling resentful, because I had just started to enjoy retirement, now I feel like I’m parenting again. But I also feel horrible for feeling resentful. Does anyone have any advice on how I can cope with this resentment?

Resentment is something a lot of carers talk about - I hope some members jump in and share how they have managed this with the person they are the carer for.

[Eagle]

Hi,

I think the last paragraph of your question could be copied and pasted to many of the situations us carers go through.

It sounds like you are an amazing father, welcoming your son back into your home. I can tell you from experience, there are a range of feelings we go through while caring for someone - helplessness, resentful, hopefull, hopeless.. it can be very up and down.

In my experience, maintaining my own routine and trying to keep some of my interests, has been paramount.

While it is important to look after yourself, it's also important to never give up hope. It seems like your son has been in a good place before... so there's always hope.

Recovery is never a straight line forward... there are moments when there's 2 (or 10!) steps back - but the fact that he has experienced recovery before and knows the steps forwards, often means it's a lot easier to get back on track.

Best of luck

[NikNik]

Great response @Eagle Thanks for contributing.

Any others wish to share their thoughts? Inviting  @MarieCurious @mountain @Attahua @MIFANTCARER to the discussion -you have all shared great advice on this topic before -  do you have advice for this carer?

Nik

[MIFANTCARER]

I like to teach people to try and separate the illness from the person.

But what does this mean??

Best way to understand this is to at it is look at the person you know and the person you don't.

Separate the two and their characteristics within your partner.

Generally the person that you know is your partner

AND

The person that you don't is the mental illness.

We do see a link to story belief (Lying) as a result of Bipolar, HOWEVER, this doesn't define the lying and cheating. Counselling both together and separately could create some answers.

Most things are not black and white and it will take time but you might find out the answer to these questions.

I hope this helps and be kind to yourself you have been through a lot.

[NikNik]

Ask Anything Monday

Thank you to those who have responded to past questions. Don't forget, if you are apprehensive or nervous about asking the community a question, we can do it on your behalf. Just email team@saneforums.org

This week's question is:

I want to know more about how my (adult) son's treatment is going. My son tells me a bit about it, but I'd like to also hear from the therapist. What rights do I have as his carer in finding out such information. Does he have to be with me? Can I just visit his therapist by myself?

What experience have others had working with their loved ones professional?

[Eagle]

Hi @NikNik

This is the golden question for all of us carers. Part of me thinks it's important to respect privacy and the other part of me thinks we have the right to know because we are their carers and perhaps it would help us if we knew how things were going.

I have come across psychologists who are willing to see both the carer and their patient at the same time - doing a joint session. I think this is a great idea, as then the person has control about what is shared and what isn't and it's not like the psychologist and carer are talking behind the patients back.

You should be able to find out if this is possible by calling the office of the person your son sees. I hope this helps.

I'd be interested to see if anyone else has experiences with this too.

[coffeegirl]

I echo what @Eagle said.

Check in with your son and find out if it's okay for you to contact his psychologist / counsellor. It would be a massive breach of trust if you went behind his back.

I think there's other signs to look out for which can help you see if the therapy is working - Have YOU noticed any positive differences in your son?

If you're noticing a difference, then it's likely to assume the therapy is going well!
Good Luck!