Topic Tuesday // Living with BPD - your questions answered // 3 Oct. 7pm - 9pm AEST

[glitterbee]

@Phoenix_Rising I don't know if this will help, but when I'm being manipulative, its me trying to make people react to me in the way I want them to. ie. I might hurt myself because I know it will bring people to my aid. Or I might try to always get my own way with my husband. Or get overly angry or upset when he questions me.
I try to change (manipulate) people's responses to me.
Mostly because I'm scared of abandonment, so I really want to make sure that no one leaves me or perceives me in a negative light - but my behaviours often burn people out or make them view me negatively anyway.

[NikNik]

Such a diverse range of responses - I guess there were some commonalities between them though.

Frequently mentioned tips were around:

• Sticking by me

• Having own boundaries

• My experiences and feelings are real, even if you don’t understand them

• Patience

I'll post the next question in 5 mins 🙂 just waiting to see if there are any more responses to come through 🙂 

[Dolf]

I feel like I need to constantly maintain my skills and do all the things I need to control my BPD because once I stop and go on with life it gets harder.
Whatever you are doing to help yourself. Keep doing it! Don't give up because you think you are cured or something.

[Former-Member]

@Phoenix_Rising

Being manipulative involves behaving a certain way to get a particular reaction from someone else.

For example, someone might be threaten self-harm or suicide to make sure their loved one doesn’t leave them alone.

It is very important to note though, that not all people with BPD act in manipulative ways.

[NikNik]

That's such an interesting response @glitterbee
What I like about your response is that you articulated so well what drives you try to change people's responses to you.
That fear of abandonment or being seen in a negative light must be really hard feeling to have to experience frequently.

[NikNik]

Good point @Former-Member - everyone has different experiences and symptoms.

[glitterbee]

@Former-Member I like that you noted that not all people with BPD act in manipulative ways.

I also want to add to that and say that I don't believe that people who do act in 'manipulative' ways are trying to go out of their way to hurt others. I know for myself my manipulation comes out of fear and sadness. I truly feel like people will disappear, and almost as though the world will end unless I find a way to make people respond to me.
Manipulation often comes out of pain - not out of being a bad person. And recognising and healing that pain is what is helping me to take such wonderful healing steps forward.

[BPD-Cinderella]

I think it's a lot easier to understand our actions, when you think about what is driving us.
For me it's the intense fear of abandonment, fear of being wrong and thus being seen in a negative light, and in general the fear that I'm unlovable.

[Dolf]

The worst is when someone triggers me really quickly in a public space or private. The emotions of rage, anger spiral so far up so quickly that I end up having to go and scream to get it out or cry or make a scene really loud just to get the emotions out.
I guess the skills training DBT and CBT Yoga mediation and other training has to be practised all the time because in that moment split seconds can't change unless you have the skills and training in that moment.

[Phoenix_Rising]

@BPD-Cinderella Um...no. I don't know how to push people to feel emotions. I used to always be told that no one can MAKE you feel anything, you CHOOSE your feelings. By extension, that means I can't make someone else feel anything either.

@glitterbee and @Former-Memberyou said that being manipulative means trying to make people react to you in a certain way. Isn't that help-seeking behaviour? If my clothes accidently caught alight, I would start screaming for help because I wanted people to come and help me. Is that manipulation or help seeking behaviour?