Topic Tuesday // Having a loved one with BPD // 21 Feb, 7pm AEDT

[olly53]

I am passionate about afl footy and come footy season I go to the footy with my husband. It is a great stress reliever and I can't hear my phone so it is my escape from the situation.

[roses1]

I usually talk to one of my daughters who have been through a lot with their brother too.  We some how reassure each other.  Then I try to distract myself with my art. Relaxtion and meditation tapes also help.

[Natty967]

I have learnt self care is ESSENTIAL. I practice mindfulness through colouring in and also crotcheting lol I make sure I take time when I need it, if its not safe to leave my hubby and go out I go and sit in the bedroom or outside for awhile and tell hi I need space for the next 30mins and then I will be available for him again. Doing that I am trying to meet his abandonement issues with compassion. 

I also like to go kayaking, its peaceful on the water. I also get lots of support from peers through facebook support groups for loved ones of someone with BPD. 

I also use DBT skills particularily minfulness, distraction,TIPP skill, and lots and lots of radical acceptance and also opposite action to emotion and DEARMAN when I need to talk about issues with hubby

[olly53]

Thanks for the forum tonight. It has given me some resources and some things to think about. Much appreciated.

[Former-Member]

@misunderstood it is perfectly understandable to want to know what you can do to help your daughter to be happy and get well. People can have really good outcomes and overcome the difficuties of BPD if there is commitment to treatment. This is up to the individual and as we are all able to decide whether we want to seek treatment under the mental health act, this decision is up to her. What you can do here is try to encourage her to engage with this support, as ultimely addressing the underlying issue associated with BPD and learning to manage her distress and eventually seeing a decrease in the intensity of the distress she experiences will be the key to making her happy and well. Other then trying to encourage this, I would suggest things that it sounds you are already doing, like being there for her of she needs to talk/for support. Sometimes even doing things that serve as a distraaction can be helpful. This could be anything she enjoys doing, such as going to see a movie, going shopping, having a nice dinner together etc. I hope this answers your question!

@Natty967, @roses1 and @olly53 these are all great strategies. I love hearing what people do for self care as it is so important!

[Natty967]

The thing that helped me was realising if my hubby wasnt ready for treatment it didnt mean it was all hopeless. I couldnt change him but I could change me. So I found a good psychologist that really understood bpd and dbt and I started self learning dbt. Using skills made a big change. There is always hope 🙂

[Former-Member]

@roses1 it can be really hard coping with the calls that are about self-harm or suicide and the responsiblity felt to make sure they are safe. The important thing here is knowing when you need to reach out for some outside assistance, whether this be the police or CAT team when needed. Self care after these calls is vital!

Having friends or others outside of the situation weighing in about an area they know little about is hard to navigate and as you said can leave us feeling quite confused as to what is the right information. I wrote a blog about common misconceptions of BPD, which you can read here. I hope that is able to clear some things up. While it is common for people to preceivng the behaviour displayed by people with a diagnosis of BPD as 'manipulative', the act of manipulative behaviour requires an element of pre-planning and this is often not the case with BPD as these behaviours are often associated with distress.

[Former-Member]

That is a perfect way to sum up the night @Natty967. There is always hope for change and if your loved isnt in a place at the moment where they are willing to receive treatment, what can you do for you that assists you to deal with things until such a time when they are ready. This includes counselling for yourself, support groups, self-care and the forums can be a great way to connect with others that are experiencing similar situations and to get some support.

I hope everyone took something away from tonight's Topic Tuesday and if anyone has anymore questions or would like to discuss your situation further, please feel welcome to get in touch with the SANE Help Centre.

Enjoy the rest of your night everyone

[roses1]

@Former-Member thank you so much! I am glad I found this forum, I think it will be a great help.

[Former-Member]

@olly53 & @roses1 your are welcome, I'm glad you took something away from tonight