Lived Experience Forum

[Queenie]

Sorry I haven't really been posting very much the last few days, I've been bombarded with voices again and the content of them is really violent. I see my psychiatrist on Monday and I am worried he will want me to return to hospital. I can't however as I have a holiday with my gf at the end of the month and also I am moving at the beginning of next month.

Sometimes I find schizophrenia a really difficult illness to deal with. I also don't know how to tell my teacher from college I am not returning this semester. I am paranoid about it. Don't ask me why because I don't even know the answer. 

I am having to keep a lid on the rest of my symptoms of late. My gf is really upset at the thought I am going downhill again and keeps telling me to "Please don't fall apart on me". I admitted I feel suicidal and have been chatting to Lifeline online but didn't find them at all helpful. I would never commit suicide though as my place in the psychiatrist's chair is taken by someone else who is distraught over my demise. The only reason I feel suicidal is because I want my voices to stop. I can't stand it much longer. They are sucking the happiness from my life. 

[Appleblossom]

Is there any way you can name the characters that voice the violent content ... without acting or believing any of it ... but naming them can draw a circle around them and then you can start to put them on notice ...

I had very violent thoughts at times .. that terrified me ... but now that I am more in control of my environment they are very rare .. maybe even gone ..  I know that I am a pacifist ... take care @Queenie

[Queenie]

I am a pacifist too @Appleblossom. I could never hurt anyone I don't think.

I am trying to identify the negative characters which make up my voices, but I am finding it difficult because it means listening to them and I find them extremely distressing. 

I also think I scared my gf because we were watching the Changing Minds program on ABC2 and it showed a young person with schizophrenia who was hallucinating and swearing. I said I remember being like that in the past before medication and it kinda freaked her out. 

[Former-Member]

Hi @Queenie,

I thought  I'd try to say something from an outsiders point of view on your situation. It has just happened to me and I couldn't see it either. If feels like your voices are out of control again in proportion to your current stresses. Moving house is huge let alone in with your girlfriend, ceasing study is a huge stress and you would feel a little defeated over it (even though that's not and in reality you're just taking care of yourself), stress of going away is another big stress and lots of planning etc and lastly it appears maybe finding that place for your girlfriend to be supportive without the worry is taking some time. It seems stresses bring out the worst of our MI. I'm wondering if you think that maybe this happening for you too and you can find more time for enjoyable you time to help alleviate some stress. I'm really sorry it's happening again. I may be way of track with this and it maybe a brain chemical thing too. I don't have schizophrenia so I am in not in a place to really offer advice but wanted to share what I can see. I also know that it can be difficult to get the help you need from crisis lines. Personally I prefer suicide call back at times. Sometimes they are really helpful too.

I hope your appointment goes well @Queenie on Monday. Take care of you. Sending best wishes and hugs 💜😊🤗💐

[Queenie]

You know, you've got a good point @Former-Member. It has been identified in the past that major stress can and does trigger relapses in me. I am supposed to adhere to a low stress environment but that isn't always possible as life sometimes gets in the way.

I remembered that I am also due for an injection of medication tomorrow which means my levels of this antipsychotic medication are probably lower than normal. This won't help matters I'm sure. I am going to also ask my GP for a mental health care plan to see a psychologist. I know my psychiatrist won't refer me because he believes schizophrenics don't need therapy, but I believe it can't hurt. Even if it gives me more foresight into early triggers before they blow up ito a potential crisis. It also can't hurt having someone to talk to about my mental health for more than 20 minutes every 3 months. I don't have a case manager or support worker anymore and haven't been referred on as it is deemed I have 'graduated' from their service (when in effect it was deemed nothing more could be done for me and I was only funded for 2 years of support). 

I've spoken to my gf tonight and she has agreed to come to both my GP and psychiatrist appointments to support me. I just hope I don't wind up back in the hospital!

[Former-Member]

It sounds like your doing great for the situation you are in @Queenie being so proactive. I think a psychologist to help with stress levels would be awesome @Queenie. I didn't realise your professional help was so limited. It's not like you stop being schizophrenic after two years. Maybe they can put you back on the books for extra help while your stressors are high. That has kind of just happened to me. They've wanted me to stay out of hospital (opposite to you) and I'm getting daily and twice daily support from home. It's only for a short while. I think if you think it would help you then definitely try and get your mental health plan. No one can stop you trying to live a better life. I'm glad that helped a bit. It came like a lightening bolt for me this week when my counsellor pointed out all the reasons I had crashed. I was angry because I couldn't understand why I had fallen apart so much. Anyway best wishes as always and keep fighting for you, you're so worth it 💜😊🤗💐

[Queenie]

Thank you @Former-Member, I try to be proactive in my illness. Over the years I've gained insight I guess.

Once I am settled in my new location with my gf, I think I will ask for a referral to support services again. I have no idea what is available in this area to be honest. I have found a new local voice hearer's group so that's a start I think. Also my gf, who is also my carer now, is eligible for respite services so we might look into this once I am more stable. They don't take anyone who has current suicidal ideation I've been told.

Support services are difficult as I am not in the public hospital system and there is no MH case managers in the private sector that I know of. I could do with a case manager, even for a short time (3 months) until I readjust but I was discharged from the public system and have no idea how to re-enter it without hospitalisation. 

[Former-Member]

Hey @Queenie one day when I was bored I readall the info on the boards at my community mental health centre. One said that once your discharged from the service you can ring to be reconnected with the service if you become unwell. I'm not sure but I think it would be a good idea to ring them and let them know what's going on to see if they can provide extra help again. 💜🤗

[Queenie]

Hi @Former-Member. I just got back from the GP and I am happy to report she said she would do me up a mental health care plan to see a psychologist ASAP. I did a questionnaire as part of the care planning process and she said I am suffering from severe schizophrenia, depression, stress and anxiety. She also reassured me that she will help me get some help whatever that means. I am going to ask her at my next appointment to refer me back to services so I can get a support worker once again. I have no idea what services are available in this area but I am sure there is a personal helpers and mentors program available. 

All in all quite proactive which I am relieved about. My gf came with me but didn't do much talking as I was able to get what I needed across. 

[Bridgetjones]

Hi @Queenie, I think you are a real survivor and very brave living with schitzophrenia and voices that wont stop. Sorry I cant relate to your experience of hearing voices. My MI is anxiety and depression. Anyway just want you to know that I read your posts and my heart goes out to you. hugs xx Bridgetjones