Lived Experience Forum

[BrokenPrincess]

i don't know how to start, or what to write, so I came up with this....

I know what I have to do

I know what I need to do

I know what I should do

I know all of that, but I'm broken

I know what is wrong

I know what is broke

I know what I shouldn't do

I know all of that, but I'm broken

I know I need help

I know I need to talk

I know all of that, but I'm broken

A long time ago I needed help but was left alone

I slowly broke but no-one noticed

It took a long time, but I found myself, I put myself together

then a short time ago, something massive happened and I got shattered

Millions of pieces, no map, no clue

Selfdestructing, exploding and imploding

i know I need help

Even if just to survive

I know all of that, but I'm broken....

i survived years of abuse, years of being majorly depressed and suicidal.

i survived all of that. Always some self doubt, always knowing that the negative self talk can come back but being able to see it and stop it....

Then I find out my husband had been chatting to some bitch....  Then seven months later, I find out all of the truth... He had a 9 month affair with her and they f&$@3d atleast once a week. They did it more in that 9 months than we had done in 9 years... His reason...  Because we had been going through some stressful things and he felt that I had left him alone and he needed someone. I was always there for him. Sometimes I had to protect myself from him because he would get nasty with what he would say, but I tried to be there for him. I stayed loyal, I stayed faithful. I personally don't understand how someone makes that decision to do that, but I am just not that person...

i got shattered. I recovered from borderline personality disorder....  I learnt to manage a minor level of being bipolar. I did all of that. I know what I need to do, but I am broken.

now I am self harming more than I ever did, I am at complete peace with knowing I want to die and knowing how I am going to do it. I have never felt like that before. There was always doubt about wanting to die. Now when I think about it, it brings me peace.

every issues I have ever had is now back, every piece of negative self talk is screaming at me, plus some really fantastic new ones. I know what I need to do, I have fixed my world before....  I know all of that, but I am broken

i don't know why I am writing this, cause it's not like anyone can say anything I don't already know... But maybe not sitting alone with this might make a difference...

i know I am broken.

[Suchislife]

No one can change what's happened or you being broken, I feel broken too.  The saying that time heals all wounds though is so true, but no one, and I mean no one can change what we do or feel, except ourselves. Although saying that, it hasn't changed my feleings in my life or what I'm doing, it is just what it is.  However you either want to make a go of it for yourself or not. I'd say you are similar to me , but we just need to find the strength, we need to believe that we are worth the effort.  Show him you are more worthy by putting in the effort in for yourself and above needing him if you can, don't give him the satisfaction of knowing your crumbling or crumbling under his demise.  I sincerely wish you all the best.

[Appleblossom]

Dear @BrokenPrincess

Have you your own private space away from the cheating husband?  That would be my first prioritiy.  Finding a haven and then gather yourself together.  It shows enormous courage, persistence, emotional intelligence and commitment to have pulled through your bipolar in the first place. 

I feel very broken a lot of the time and I doubt that will ever completely go away. So I drag my body around and try and find little glimmers of beauty, light, life and hope that keep me here on the planet.  I fell it is a privilege to share the stories of a lot of the people on this forum.  Take care and let us know how you are.  Nobody deserves to betrayed in that way.

Apple

[Former-Member]

We're all broken,
one way or another
We live in a broken world,
Hurting each other
The key is finding joy
Catching tiny breaks
For me its in nature
Quiet is what it takes.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @BrokenPrincess,

We've sent you an email to check in with you. Please check your inbox and get back to us. 

That's terrible to hear what's happened with your husband. It's a massive betrayal of trust so it's more than understandable that you're feeling brokened. Please remember that his actions are no reflection on you as a person. Someone else's actions do not define who you are, or your worth. 

When stuff like this happens, the pain can be overwhelming. Relationship conflict can put people at a higher level of risk because the pain, uncertaintly and hopelessness that you can feel. The turmoil that you're feeling now will eventually lessen though it can be hard to see that through the haze of emotions. You've survived suicidal thoughts and depression - how have you done this in the past? Have you got family, friends, a counesllor that can support you? Remember that you're not alone, you can chat to us on here.

You might want to check out @Zf1's conversation about blokes who've been cheated. @rogueone has also commented on that thread because he's been cheated on - I wonder if they can add something here. 

Please remember, if things get too overwhelming and you feel at risk. Don't hesitate to contact crisis support:

Lifeline: Crisis Chat

Suicide call back service: online counselling

If in immediate danger: 000

CherryBomb

[BrokenPrincess]

Hi,

things are still happening, life is still going on

the good thing (if you want to use those words) about my past is that I can disconnect a lot of the time and compartmentalise a lot. Keeps it interesting and sometimes easier...  Was out with said hubby yesterday because of needing to get some work done... This idiot in a 4x4 got up close, car hiccuped when we went to take off and 4x4 hit the back of the car...  That part didn't bother me that much...  Hubby got out of the car with a "what did you do that for?" Rant about to happen and the guy that hit us went off his nut...  Started swearing and all sorts of things, getting right in hubbies face etc... I ended up calling 000 twice cause I called them the first time cause I thought things might get worse, then again after he grabbed hubby by the shirt and scratched him in the process. I walked up at one point to take his picture and one of his number plate and got called allllll sorts of nice names. I had to concentrate not to slap him one.

anyhow, why this story...  Cause when you are that damn scared, it changes how you look at some things and makes you greatful you are not that person and don't have them in your life cause it just isn't normal.

we have relationship counselling this week coming up, so hopefully something will come of that. I need to know if I should trust, and if so, need to learn how....  And he needs to learn not to be such an asshat 🙂

[rogueone]

Hey,

It's never easy. I always hear a lot of excuses as to why they cheat but that is loose change to me....it don't mean nothing!

Yes. Relationships are two way streets and we can always improve the way we do them but it's never an excuse to cheat. That is your partners problem and not yours. 

Yeah it hurts. It sux. And I've been there! Doesn't help ones feelings and I went back....still love the girl but that trust is a serious problem for me. 

First things first. Look out for your mental health. Don't worry bout cheaters problems...it's time to move on. I went back for a while till the same patterns emerge. I seriously doubt cheaters and their words. 

Better people in this world to deal with!

Rogueone.