Lived Experience Forum

[Zf1]

Are there any other men out there who find themselves in this situation? Don't mean to be gender specific in the subject, but find that blokes are reticent to talk about this subject. It has certainly been crippling for me and brought about mental issues that I never would have thought existed.

[supernova]

Hi @Zf1,

Welcome to the Forums and thanks for your post.

We’re glad you’ve found us and had the courage to reach out. It sounds like this is never a place you imagined you would be in life and it’s causing you a great deal of pain and suffering. While its most likely true that men are generally more reticent when it comes to discussing their feelings, hopefully safe spaces like this and brave souls like yourself can start to change that.

I hope you can find some support and understanding here - I’m sure there are some members out there who can relate to what you’re going through.

Does anyone have any thoughts for @Zf1?

Thanks again for your post and we hope to ‘see’ you around soon.

All the best,
supernova.

[rogueone]

hey matey, 

I caught my wife out in a couple of big lies. Never can prove it...but highly suspcious. 

It's a very hard thing to deal with. Honestly though it's not you. Unless your a mean bugger and treat her bad there's other issues at stake and that is the hardest thing to deal with. Yes, You can do better....in every relationship we all become familiar and doing things different can help but I've found that it's usually up too your partners experience etc. You can always do better but in instances of cheating blame is a terrible game to play for someone who'se been cheated on!

I know I wasn't a bad husband. I know my wife liked to talk to others online etc about music in particular. These things I always knew but I stuck it out regardless. I even went back to have to do it all again.......and I think that is a problem. I left for a couple of days and came back....in hindsight I should have been more dramatic!

Mental health is a big concern and relationship problems can contribute horribly to depression and anxiety. Getting good help for both is a no brainer....then you work on other issues! I still hold love for my ex-wife....and nowadays I can talk to her without any drama's....I still do! But I'd never go back to that because of the trust issues. Trust is a big issue with me!

Get help for the mental side. Be practical about the relationship side. Feelings don't disapear overnight but some things aren't worthwhile of sticking with and usually a cheater remains so!

Rogueone. 

[Zf1]

Thanks for the thoughts and advice rogueone, much appreciated to hear another viewpoint.

We are still together, but it has been, and continues to be very tough.  Are attending EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) counselling and that is proceeding better than the usual communication/relationship type counselling, but it is a long road with many ups and downs, as you would know. I too, feel that I was not dramatic enough, and too forgiving in hindsight.  As you say, betrayal of trust is shocking, and that needs to be rebuilt. 

It's great to know that there are others out there with the same burdens, and that it is normal to have episodes of anxiety and depression.

All the best mate 

[rogueone]

hey mate,

Yeah it's a tough road! We don't leave love and attraction at the door when these things happen! I'm glad you are seeking help. I don't hold much truck with certain psychologists but that is just me. If your both willing to work on things then that is a great start!

It's been ten years since I split with the Mrs. It's been probably six since I got a divorce. She's overseas which helps no end. I'm not sure I could have recovered as strongly dealing with it all the years if she was in my same state but it is what it is. I'm glad your still with your partner. It's always hard to deal with such betrayel but if the relationship is worthwhile saving then it's a no brainer. 

Ten years later I still talk to my Ex and love her dearly. I'm a mess but she is even more of a mess so I don't hold any grudges.....She did things. I know why and what for.....I wish she didn't but I'm not a saint myself!

Take care friend!

Rogueone.