Lived Experience Forum

[universepocket]

I have Bipolar 1. I'm medicated but recectly one of my medications started actually working. My anti psycotic. I didn't realise I was psychotic until I wasn't anymore. 6 weeks into taking my medication, my delusion left ( I'd been experiencing it for 1 or 2 years) and that was it. I thought I must have just snapped out of it because there was no other changes. I also didn't think too much of the fact that I had been dilusional for almost 2 years. But then a week ago, almost 6 months from my last change, I suddenly started feeling in touch with reality, my thoughts weren't jumbled, my view on the world had literally changed, my shoulders weren't sore anymore, my paranoia had gone, my emotions weren't flat anymore and I actually smiled and expresed my emotions but then the biggest change came. The "noise" in my head I'd always assumed was thoughts left. I told my mum ( who has studied psycology) and she immediately made me watch this video of a virtual reality simulation of psycosis. As soon as the voices started I just burst out in tears because it was like they had come back. I'll describe my experience with these sounds. They were always layered over each other, there was usually no clear message, I describe it like static on a radio. Once in a while that radio would tune in to a channel for a second and I'd hear a word or a sentence before it returned to whispers that seemed like screams and words all layered over each other. My voice, my internal monologue, would speak over the top of all of this noise and I would often have extreme trouble concentrating. I grew up thinking that they were a part of me. Do any of you relate to this or have you had a similar expreience? Am I schizoaffective.....or do any other bipolar people experience non-stop psychosis? Thanks! (sorry, my spelling is probably aweful)

[mrkotter]

I haven't experienced non-stop pyschosis but I have in some of depressive episodes.

I can relate directly to the relief you felt when taking an anti-psychotic. It just all falls away and it feels so much calmer.

Happy for ya mate.

[universepocket]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I totally agree. Nice to know there are people out there who share this experience.

[Mazarita]

Hi @universepocket, welcome to the forum. I'm bipolar and take an anti-psychotic, which has proved very effective over recent years at treating mainly anger. That problem I had was to a degree that might sometimes be considered psychotic, though never violent. The medication has changed my life and certainly helped me become much calmer. I kind of relate to what you say about mental static and I also get ringing in the ears (which could be tinnitus rather than mental health related). But my 'inner monologue' has a stronger voice most of the time and can rise above these things. Unfortunately my inner monologue is often unkind to me and I still suffer paranoia and social anxiety. I am working on these with psychological counselling. It's great to hear that you are in a much better place than you were. Best wishes for you now going from strength to strength.

[AmiRemixed]

 @universepocket I have the same static and layering of voices and the way you described it how some words may be picked up but its hard to hear them all as they are layering over each other. I also have the same trouble concentrating and always have growing up. I was the same like you I thought this was just normal or how I was a part of me. Yes I have as you have described in my head and my diagonsies is schizoaffective, which means both bipola and schizophrenia. 

[universepocket]

Oh wow, thank you so much for replying. It's so reassuring to hear that somebody understands what has been going on for me. In my search for other sufferers I haven't been able to come across anyone (until now) that has experienced this. So nice to hear back from you. ^-^ made my day!

[AmiRemixed]

Thank YOU for firstly posting your story in this thread. You are the first person I have "met" that describes it as static like a radio and depending on the frequency you can heard some words come up. When you described it the way you have written my jaw dropped because that is how I descibe it to other people too. 

[Simona]

Wow. Your post has blown me away. You descriptions were  spot on.  I'm schizoid affective - that's all i have been told.  And like yourself for years just assumed that everyone else had all that noise and radio like transmissions in their head.  I'm medicated - but only just.  I'm still hearing 'things' - just the volume control has been turned down.   Gets worse/louder at night esp after 1am >.    For me it's not so much voices but slamming sounds like drawers being slammed hard in my head or even erratic piano music.

[universepocket]

@AmiRemixed I'm so glad you have found my post useful. It's so nice to find others who share this experience. I was feeling really alone when I first kind of discovered everything and it's really great to know there are people out there willing to support me and share there experience. It must be pretty rare to find people who share your symptoms? That's the impression I get . I'm so glad to have been able to "meet" someone who understands. I wish you all the best for the future!

[universepocket]

@Simona Thank you so much for replying. Our experiences seem quite similar. World is so much nicer when your head is quiet. I'm glad you are also experiencing some relief from your symptoms. I can't really express how much more enjoyable everything is now that I'm not experiencing my symptoms on full blast. It seems to be a common theme that people thought it was normal growing up. It amazes me. If you don't mind my asking, do you experience any visual hallucinations or delusions? I used to see things in the shadows and get flash "jump scare" type figures pop up. Thank god I thought it was normal and I turned away, not paying attention to it. I've heard that the more attention you pay to it the more vivid it becomes. Even now I'm terrified to be in the dark or open a door that's shut. I also don't do well when I'm alone. Purely because I'm so used to being subject to horrible visions. I guess night time isn't pleasant for anyone. I also had a delusion for about a year and a half. I think it's pretty amusing now but at the time I swore by it. I thought my soul had been trapped in a past life, where I was an asian woman. My belief that I was somehow not a part of my own ethnicity dictated my every move. It even tore me away from my family. It was more than just some crush on asian culture, I honestly thought I was trapped and that god had made a mistake and put my soul in the wrong body. I even thought that people were looking at me and somehow knowing I was supposed to be asian. One of my classmates a while back referred to me as white and I almost because violent in my rage. To me it was an outrage. haha it's kind of funny now. But at the time I was dead serious. I guess I should have known a while back when my delusion ended that it's not normal in bipolar to experience a delusion non-stop for almost 2 years huh? I must thank all of the contributors on here, you included. You have helped me realise that I need a new psychiatrist who is willing to talk this whole thing out with me. After doing my research and hearing back from everyone in the community I've reached the conclusion that, I am probably looking at schizoaffective disorder.