Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[sybill07]

Hi

Well, we all know how important it is to look after ourselves as carers. Except when things are hectic and we put ourselves last.

What worries me is that this week I am feeling quite out of control and all over the shop, unable to concentrate on work and having 'memory lapses' and generally just feeling like I did before I ended up having a nervous breakdown.

Trouble is - I have to keep going, keep working, following up on issues with my husband, looking after him, managing the house, the finances, the future. There is no respite.

What do you guys do in these instances? How do you stop feeling the need to firefight everything all at once? And when your own brain starts to let you down, how do you focus on what is important? Everything is suddenly all important. How do you find the strength to go on and not get all fractious and overly sensitive and over reacting and all the rest?

I need to prioritise myself soon, but can't see anything happening in the immediate future.

we had our meeting with the centrelink dr and she talked about the need for less stress in his life, and he talked about being worried by me being worried by things that i thought i was shielding him from, and of course that worries me. And also she talked about him being in recovery - 9 years later!! is that the case?

You know when you are doing the best you can and suddenly something happens to make you rethink and you realise you need to step up a further level but your energies just aren't there as yet. And then you realise you are focusing solely and intensely on only one thing at a time, and losing a couple of weeks (seriously) and then fretting about things like 'we don't eat enough green vegetables' which i clearly remember as one of the concerns before my breakdown... macro and micro concerns, all at once.

I know someone will suggest a pyschcologist but honestly we can't afford that at present. i still haven't paid the last one and I don't have the time to go to the drs and set something up bulk bill.

Any advice greatly appreciated, or pointers to otehr discussions/literature!

Thanks!

[suzanne]

HI @sybill07, I'm not a carer in your position (I hope that some who are have a chance to respond) but I still wanted to provide some support.  Most of us feel over-whelmed at times and find ourselves at the back of a long queue in terms of getting our needs met.

It sounds like the unsustainabilty of that is hitting home at the moment.  It's particularly hard when you're trying to shelter your more vulnerable partner.  You don't even get the chance to off load with a big ole whinge which can be good for the soul at times.

When I get close to where you are there are generally two things that help.  The first is to find some light at the end of the tunnel.  Something to look forward to.  Something that acts like a circuit-breaker with all the pressure you're under.  That might be a weekend away (that you don't have time for and can't afford but absolutely need anyway) or even a long day out.  For me sometimes that's just time at home alone.  Lots cheaper and more accessible but hugely beneficial nonetheless.  The peace and solitude helps me enormously.  So occasionally I'll schedule the rest of the family a little ruthlessly in order to get it. 

Are there any opportunities for a circuit-breaker coming up?  A little piece of time to look forward to when you get drop the burden for a while? If not, can you make one?  Before you say no, remember that what you're going through indicates that your resilience is running out.  It needs a top up.  It's like petrol in a car.  It won't keep going without a top up and we can't keep going without refueling in some way either.  What do you need to re-fuel?  If you don't make it a priority now it'll simply take more effort down the track. 

The second thing, which you may be doing already, is to break down your responsibilities into more manageable chunks.  Struggling for concentration and the memory lapses are a sure sign of being over-whelmed.  One way to re-establish a sense of control is to have the necessary actions planned and on paper.  I used to do with regularly with depressed clients.  Their lives would start to crumble around them as they didn't have the motivation or energy to get things done. So we'd write up a chart with one extra task each day that needed to be ticked off.  Ring the electricity company.  Make an appointment with the vet.  Just one each day.  It doesn't sound like much but it's manageable and it all adds up.  After a week they can look back and see what they've achieved.  Life feels more do-able.  They feel more competent and things are getting better not worse.

Is there some version of that which might help? 

I guess the third thing is more support.  But for that you either need the professional help on standby (which you've said you're not keen to access right now) or family and friends ready and able to listen.  If you do, then take advantage.  Sometimes you get to share and halve the problem.  It shouldn't always run the other way.

Just some thoughts @sybill07 which may help.  Even if not, know that support is here for you.  I'm glad you reached out.

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @sybill07

I'm in that boat.  

Not that I have had a break down, but I have to take steps to keep myself away from that edge.

My story is on the Carer's forum under Something's Not Right heading.  My life is like spilled marbles at the moment.

You will also find me on the Lived Experience forum under the Night Shift thread.  All our night owls hang out on that thread any time of day or night when they are having trouble sleeping, and they are the most caring, interesting and knowledgable bunch !  Plenty of advice about coping skills going on over there.  Please take a look. They are great company.

My best advice is "baby steps".  

If the problem looks too big, or too multifaceted, or has broken into too many pieces and you don't know where to start picking it all up again, choose just one piece, and do something positive with it.  Then choose another piece, and do the same again.

If the pieces are still took big, break them down further.  Put that letter to be posted in the car.  The job of getting it posted is now under way.  Put something that you can't afford to forget to take with you at the front door, where you literally have to step over it to leave it behind..

Work out what you need to do in this day to keep the world turning.  What is it ?  Get the kids to school ? Pick them up again ?  Get to work ?  Get food on the table ?  Make your way through that checklist, and sideline everything else.

If you get to the middle of the day and the basics have been achieved so far, choose something else that can be done quickly and easily, such as a phone call to make a doctor's appointment, or picking out a card for someone while you are shopping for dinner in the supermarket anyway.

Keep meals simple.  Keep everything simple.

Drink lots of tea.

i keep lists on my phone, and delete items when they have been dealt with.  If I can't manage the big stuff, and it's not going to stop the world from turning, I chip away at the little stuff.  At least things are getting done.

There's a great tea in most supermarkets called Rose Wtih French Vanilla by Dilmah.  Give that a try, and think of me.  I will be thinking of you 🌺

[Shaz51]

Hello @sybill07

about your comment ---   he talked about being worried by me being worried by things that i thought i was shielding him from, and of course that worries me.,

My hubby has told me this too , so over time I have found that if i am calm , he is ok , it is hard at time , I try to get him involved but that was too stressful , so i do everything

i have found too that we have cancelled all mental health care, centrelink , etc which was all stressful to my hubby

Trouble is - I have to keep going, keep working, following up on issues with my husband, looking after him, managing the house, the finances, the future. -- same here

sending you hugs

and will keep in touch

[Shaz51]

Hello @sybill07, @suzanne

You are totally right @Faith-and-Hope

baby steps , one step at a time , one day at a time , it will take time as I know it takes a while

[Attahua]

I make lists ....countless lists and then when I achieve one small thing on my list I feel a great sense of relief just ticking it off......I even add to the list things I have already done just so I can tick!!!!!!! This is one little strategy I find helps me when I feel like I am drowning under the weight of being a career for my partner with schizoeffective disorder. I work full time and when he is at his most unwell I do struggle to get to work but once I am there I think my brain goes on auto pilot and I focus on the job at hand. I also write countless emails with genuine complaints about the mental health system.....this is a great way to release some tension!! It is so hard     and there are times when you just think you cannot take anymore but then life throws you another challenge and somehow you get through that too 

[Appleblossom]

Yep I have been there too. @sybill07

The person I am caring for is my son.  He is adult now, but as a child I tried to shield him from my worry and stress abut manging everything ... bills, household, finances, planning for future etc.

We had conversations about his recognitions of my struggle. I am sure he did not get a se either way.

The increase in profile and recognition of the invaluable role of carers in a good step forward in our community.  Yet carers (and parents) have a right to a home where they are human too.  Centrelink finally recognises the caring role, but they also ought not be too black and white in their thinking and guilt trip the ones who are doing the most work.  Possibly the worker you saw was a lilttle immature ..

My son has bailed out of Centrelink demands too which means there are more demands on me.

I am a list and baby step person too.

About 15 years ago I made the decision to minimise stress on me as it was imperative I could function reaonably in the long term without help.  Recently I am getting more help and had my first week away in January .. we do what we can to keep mind and sul together.

Its your call @sybill07 ... I am a 'trim the coat to the cloth' type of person.

If you take time off work, reduce to partime, or go away, or get help in, or see experts ...  @suzanne came up with good stategies .. but only you can see your own situation clearly enough. 

Know .. that you are worth it.

[Shaz51]

Hello  @Appleblossom           

you are so right

thank you for your support xx

I am having trouble highlighing people`s name  @NikNik            

[Appleblossom]

Hi @Shaz51 I often have trouble with the highlighting .. rich text .. but its probably just my sticky clunky ol computer.

How are you and hub?

[NikNik]

Hi @Shaz51

It seems like you were able to highlight my name okay that time around. Is it working for you okay now?