@Anastasia @Zoe7 @Peri 

Just a mini post. I came home today after being out for quite a long time. She was sitting on the couch having something to eat and drink. Very rarely does. I suppose it was because I was not here. I came in, just said hi and kept going. Did a few things, sat down to rest for a while. She had her eyes closed like she was snoozing. It was the first time ion a long time I have actually been able to look at her. (We don't see much of each other) I sat and thought how beautiful she is. That is all I thought really. I know her and when she is in a bad way. So, I asked her, are you not well? She said no, I am ok. I said you do not look to well. No answer. I just looked at her again but did not say anything. 

I have seen her cry many many times so I know when it is coming. She still had her eyes closed and started to tear up. I saw it. Now, it is not because I do not care at all, I just know that whatever her reasons are, I am of no help to her. I dont even have any get up and go for myself. I also know better. I thought if you try she will just reject you anyway, so no point. I have cried so many times, sobbed softly and sobbed loudly. I did not always get any comfort from her. She would just leave me. It is not about payback. There was just nothing I could do. Another thing is I cannot fix her, save her, rescue her or do anything. I am badly hurt too. I am trying to save myself and that is a big enough job. I have had to work really hard at not feeling bad in myself for not asking further or feeling bad for not being there. A lot of self talk. It's just the first time I have seen her cry in front of me, she may cry privately, I do not know? 

The thing is I cannot explain what it felt like to have my heart ripped out of my chest by her. I still feel that absolute pain that I felt that day. It was not that long ago. My self esteem, self worth, self confidence has been completely shattered. I am not saying it is all her doing. I am saying she contributed largely to it. I go into freeze mode when anyone says anything about the end of my relationship. I just freeze. Going blank in my head is part of me freezing. Feeling pain, I at times go into freeze mode. For the first time throughout all our time together, I finally reached a point where I felt powerless with her, powerless to make any difference, powerless to work anything out, powerless to fight for the relationship/for us, powerless for so many things. Im not stronger, getting my strength back is going to take a long time. I dont tell many people how messed up I feel in my head. I try not to talk about it too much. Its so hard to describe, how I feel inside of myself. One minute at a time for me right now. 

I am so tired. 



I started to